Confession of a Singleton

It's not my confession (*cough*mine will come later*cough*).

It's from my girlfriend who is a few years older than me and single as long as I know her.

The whole thing may sound rather cliche and may look like something from self-help books or columns in girls magazines which glorify girls power, but it touches the deepest part of my heart when somebody shares face to face with you the starkest bit of her path to coming to terms with singletondom, provided that we just see each other once or twice a year and did not really keep in touch for the rest of the time.

It reminds me of something I have long forgotten; something that reminds me of the faith (or inner poise :)) I should have upheld in times of desperation and frustration.

So here it goes...

For years, my girlfriend was somehow in a relationship frenzy. She tried to broaden her social circles and meet more friends. A decent (and Christian) guy was what she looked for but it seemed it’s a difficult enough task to accomplish.

As time went by, her friends and colleagues around her have, in one way or another, settled in a relationship one by one while she was still in the middle of nowhere. She started to cast doubt over her personality and appearance and kept questioning herself: what went wrong with me?

She felt like a love pariah and was in emotional doldrums especially at Christmas when you're supposed to spend it with a significant/intimate other (a.k.a. boyfriend). Self-help books were once her companion but little if any seemed to allay her worry. And the what-went-wrong question had been haunting her ever since.

However, life will always leave a window open when it closes its door (as long as you realize that part of trick). The mission trip to one of the poorest areas in the Philippines had changed her way of perceiving the world and gave her a chance to reconstruct her value system.

The image of a deprived life and the message it conveyed emblazoned into her mind. The views of skinny, flimsy children on TV was nothing when compared to a real hug to them. She felt that part of her heart was melting in sympathy with the children while another part in gratitude of what she already had. She came to realize that it's more blessed to give than to receive, and that there's something bigger in life which deserves more of her energy and concern than whether having a guy with you.

You can always hear things like count your blessings or try your best and let God take care of the rest, but personal experience can always teach you a better lesson.

She said she would let the nature take the course of her love life. And, she believed snuggling up to cats is just as lovely as to a man. She has said something like that before, but this time I know it's not defense mechanism at work. She really means it.

Here comes mine...

There's always a perennial mind struggle when one comes to terms with singletondom. Your rational-independent-modern-girl self tells you that you should enjoy life with or without a guy beside you. But your emotional self tells you, sometimes you need companion or consolation more than a batch of girlfriends; and sometimes, you don't mind having a causal hook-up.

To be frank, I did feel frustrated and confused (ok, sometimes desperate) at some points over the past few years after I broke up with my ex-boyfriend. Well... a funny blend of guys did approach me—student, married man, childhood friend, netfriend, vanished guy—except a normal one.

Sometimes your friends and colleagues make you (a.k.a. me) more desperate than you actually feel. They kept asking you whether somebody stands a chance whenever any male creature pops up in your social life as if you're so man thirsty that you will settle with anybody or anything willing to take you. Some singletons also make jokes about you and other engaged guys (constantly!) so as to convince the world that you fancy any man you know (Well... instead of being understanding and supportive, some singletons will try to make you look gloomier than them. For this, it is definitely defense mechanism at work.).

An ex-singleton girlfriend used to share with me her worries of not being in a relationship. But once she turned boyfriended, singletons feeling lonely and wanting a relationship started to look cheap and weak to her.

You may not realize how much social stigma a singleton faces in their life if (a) you have not been single long enough after 20 (um...better make it 22); (b) you have never felt any gloom at any point of your singleton life; (c) the group of guys chasing you are perfectly normal and has never thinned or (d) you have already been in a Zen-like mental status and truly realized the true value of your life.

Unfortunately, I'm not a type (d).

But tonight, I felt rather Zen-like and full of inner poise after having a warm re-union with my friends (pleased with myself :)). I feel a strong desire to jot down my girlfriend's feeling so as to remind myself the amazing grace of life.

I don't want the gloomy thoughts to creep up on me anymore.