We are all Narcissus deep down.

Have you ever before met that egocentric person who always subconsciously steers the conversation to him-/herself? Like when I mentioned it’s depressingly freezing here in Melbourne they would immediately respond that it’s sweltering in Hong Kong. And when I said I felt sleepy as I woke up early on a wintery morning to commute to Mornington, the egocentric would say it’s routine for them to wake up early for work and only sleep for a few hours. When I said I prefer Hong Kong as I have established so much there they would reflect that they have established a lot in Melbourne and so would not contemplate going back to Hong Kong. And when I said I was tired they would launch into a detailed account of how they "out-tired" me.

That is not sharing or an exchange of words. It’s just a monologue.

That sense of self preoccupation is no secret to us yet remains an evolutionary mystery (at least to me!) in a highly socialized community where race survival partly hinges on communication. But now I’m puzzled, is understanding or a two-way communication essential to human evolution or existence or is it just some luxurious concept that happens to pop up in some modern human societies where hunger and warmth are no longer pressing issues?

We all too conveniently use our own experience as a yardstick for measuring others’ happiness, problems, distress, and simply, life. That’s why we are programmed to compare, using ourselves as the baseline.

We never know how well or crappy we fare until we compare ourselves against others. That sense of comparison is innate in human nature. That’s why we succumb to peer pressures when we are young and social pressure as we grow old. While suckers are often encouraged to compare themselves against those living in the Third World or the most deprived spots on earth or this, such kind of comparison can be quite pathetic sometimes as our self-esteem and life satisfaction tends to build on others’ misfortune.

While downward social comparison makes us feel happy and protects our ego, upward social comparison keeps our society in an upward swirl of material development or achievement (that’s how that freaky Guinness World Records thingy comes into existence - though I can never make out whether it's for upward or downward comparison). Think the building next country is higher than ours? Build an even higher one!

It seems that comparison, both upward and downward, alone can make us happy and motivated and keep our society advancing materially. Maybe that’s why we’re all Narcissus by default; that we perceive the world in our own biased way without knowing that there's a blind spot in our view; and that what we see in others is just a reflection of our own ego. So where does understanding and empathy come into play? They seem to be learned skills though not many people pick up a lot along the way.

The best way to update a blog when you have no time to write is…

...to upload photos. To be frank, people actually linger longer on a photo post than a wordy one as I have been repeatedly told that there’s too much English for them to digest. We’re all visual beings in this age of short attention span when speed is everything and our brain can no longer process too many words. I can’t help wondering how many people do read through what I’ve written instead of the blog titles. Anyway, writing a blog is more for fulfilling my Narcissist urge than getting readership… alright alright, I really should stop myself from launching into another long-winded wordy post before you click away.

So yesterday I spent a sunny late winter afternoon at Brighton Beach.

It's winter :)

A peaceful afternoon

A long line of colorful bath boxes facing the beach

More to go...

They look cute.

A cloudless day

They are numbered.

The sun was setting.

The golden ray splashed on the boxes.

Sunset with a lonesome silhouette...a bit cliche but still lovely

The sky was in a lovely color when I left.

Going through the first phase of Withdrawal Syndrome

I ended it all, before it ever begins.

It’s always hard for me to withdraw from a developing relationship even though I may not show it. I always get too emotionally involved before it has bloomed into something full-fledged but end it right there as I'm too cautious with it.

It’s like going through a series of minor breakups without even having a legitimate ex. I mean, I’ve been through numerous sleepless nights, distress, constant flashback attacks, emotional bingeing, a bunch of what-ifs and yes-buts which keep popping up while I should be concentrating on my work; at least I deserve an ex whom I can log in my little book of past relationships so that I know I’m not some kind of pathetic stalker who imagines things and I’m doing this for someone who was once in a relationship with me but not just some random passers-by who happen to cross my life. Ok, they all end up being passers-by but it sounds more depressing to feel depressed with a failed relationship attempt than a failed relationship.

Why don’t I just settle down or move on like everyone else? And I’m really kidding myself when most of the time I’m the one who decides to end it but experiences all the distress. Geeezzz, what’s wrong with me?

"Life finds its way"

I don’t normally identify myself as a communist hater. In fact, I’m fascinated by the original idea of communism put forth by Karl Marx and the egalitarian society as depicted in The Republic by Plato, both of who described a utopia where good people can live happily ever after, ignoring all the innate personality flaws that are bound to exist in the human race. But then, casting a glance at the existing communist regimes will never fail to provoke anger and disappointment as it has become an excuse for totalitarianism and dictatorship.

I’ve been hinging the hope of breaking the political status quo in Orwellian regimes like China on Web 2.0 which facilitates internet activism and demonstrates the power of lay bloggers, citizen journalists, amateur photographers and twitters during Saffron Revolution in Burma in 2007. In the past, all the authoritarian regimes need to do to control information flow and perpetuate their propaganda was to control mass media outlets – easy. However, the proliferation of the Internet has cracked open a window through which the world can peek into the once mysterious communist countries and at the same time allowed insiders to tell their stories from a citizen’s perspective. It makes hiding the truth and suppressing political opposition or religious freedom much harder for the authoritarian governments.

While the Burmese military junta did disable all international mobile phone connections and black out Internet access to curb the information flow during the Saffron Revolution (though there’re people who could find ways to circumvent these restrictions), a total information blockade does not sound like an easy option for a rising superpower like China which growing economy is partly fuelled by ever-advancing communication technologies.

Further to Google’s previous bow to China’s Internet surveillance and the launch of Golden Shield Project, China has stepped up its effort to control the information that can be accessed online by requiring an Internet filtering software to be installed in every computer sold in the country. Although the government justified the policy by claiming that it comes as a result of demands from parents and experts to filter the violence and pornography, call me a conspiracist, that software filters more than that (a newspaper report says it blocks Garfield the Cat - surely he must be a very violent cat considering the way he bullies Odie). How can you trust a government who doesn’t ban public smoking or underage drinking or KFC fried chicken which put our next generation’s physical health in jeopardy but filters violence and pornography online because it affects their psychological well-being?

But then, like gLite programme which allows users to access websites blocked by the Burmese junta, life will find a way in China. It always does.

The Two Things Game

Some time ago I read an article from a blog that I visit regularly about the two things you need to know about everything. The idea goes that there’re only two things you need to know about everything; the rest is just elaboration. I’m pretty impressed by the examples given on that blog and, as I’ve been pretty slow in updating, I borrowed that idea and developed my short list of the two things about psychology:

Psychology:
1. Nature predisposes an array of potentials.
2. Nurture either maximizes or trivializes them.

Cognitive therapy:
1. Perception is more important than reality.
2. There is no such thing as reality.

Psychoanalysis:
1. All human are sexual beings.
2. Nah, you don’t know that because it’s all in your unconscious.

Behavioural therapy:
1. Reinforce the positive behaviours.
2. Ignore the negative ones.

Evolutionary psychology:
1. What didn’t kill our ancestors makes us stronger.
2. Nature always trims the weakest link.

Being a counsellor:
1. Ask questions.
2. Listen and nod. Repeat #1.

Systematic desensitization:
1. Relax. Take it easy.
2. Take a small step forward every time.

Gender role stereotype:
1. Men are hunters.
2. Women are gatherers.

Being an educational psychologist in Hong Kong:
1. Give a diagnosis.
2. Make a referral.

Qualitative research:
1. Break the target behaviours into observable, measurable units.
2. No SPSS involved.

Quantitative research:
1. Does something happen by chance?
2. Or does it happen by choice (i.e. attributable to a specific factor)?

No, don’t take these seriously :) As the original writer points out,
1. People love to play the Two Things but they rarely agree about what the Two Things are.
2. That goes double for anyone who works with computers.

It's autumn

My placement supervisor was so nice that she took me to a national garden after I helped her at her private practice one morning. I didn’t take my camera with me but we saw a guy clicking away with his professional looking camera. So my supervisor asked him to take a photo for us :) He sent us our photos plus a nice postcard picture he took there.

I'm really glad that I've met some really nice people at my placement.

Understanding

Last week, I had a conversation with the speech pathologist regarding a young client with normal intelligence but suspected Autism.

Me: So how was the assessment? Any problems with his pragmatics?

Pathologist: Well, I did TOPS on him and he has a lot of difficulty reading others’ emotions. When I asked him how the person in the picture would feel, he was clueless. However, if I placed him in the hypothetical situation and rephrased the question like: if YOU were the child in the picture, being very sick in bed, how would YOU feel? He managed to give me the appropriate answer.

Me: Seems that he has problems thinking from others’ perspectives and comprehending others’ emotional responses. How old should a child be expected to think that way?

Pathologist: The test is for children older than 6. So at least kids older than that should be able to understand how others feel in certain situations to certain extent. Kids younger than that should have developed some understanding of what others think and feel in a given context.

That young client was later diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder, given other assessment results and behavioural observation. To this group of people, comprehending social situations, understanding social cues and reading others’ emotions are particularly difficult and have to be taught.

We are born social beings. Nevertheless, while understanding others’ perspectives is innate to many, not everyone can quite refine that nature and advance it throughout their lifespan. I had a conversation with a good friend of mine who complained about not being understood by another friend of hers. What she said was strikingly similar to the conversation I had with the speech pathologist:

“(telling me how Friend#1 did not understand her feelings)… I was so angry that I called Friend#2 up and told her what happened. She was like: okay…um…right. She wasn’t seem to get my point, so I wracked my brain to think of a hypothetically similar situation to demonstrate how I felt, using her and her personal experience as an example. And all of a sudden she knew what I meant! She was so angry with Friend#1 too…"

It seems that we stop developing our understanding towards others after we have reached the minimal level that gets us out of a label of Autism or other developmental delays. How much have we seemingly normal beings complained, or been complained, about not being understood?

There are different levels of understanding and here is my own categorization.

Level 1: Those who don’t even understand themselves or get in touch with their own feelings.

While it’s nature for us to laugh when we feel happy and weep when sad, those who fall into this category know they’re happy when they laugh and sad when they weep. Sometimes they may have problems comprehending their own feelings, let alone others', and mistake anger as misery for example. Their brains work like a mis-wired circuit.

Level 2: Those who live in their own cocoon of emotional world and do not realize that others may have a different emotional response than theirs.

They aren't aware of others’ perspectives as they believe their own perception of the world is absolute truth. They don’t believe there exists another way of understanding because their own experience reigns. They can’t imagine another emotional territory.

Level 3: Those who are in touch with their own feelings and can put themselves into others’ shoes when it comes to similar situations.

This group of people think introspectively and understand how an external stimulus triggers their own emotional response and thinking. They can empathize with those who have similar experience or background as theirs.

Level 4: Those who are in touch with their own feelings and can extend their own understanding beyond their own experience.

This group of people are sensitive to their and others’ feelings. They have very strong imaginative skills and understanding that they can put themselves into others’ situation even though they have never experienced that before. Although they cannot completely understand others’ feelings towards a specific event, they respect them and empathize with others.

Level 1 is maladaptive while Level 4 is expected from a counsellor. As for me, I think I’m somewhere between Level 2 and Level 3 and trying to stay in the Level 3. I’m still developing my understanding as we all are. As the old saying goes: use it or lose it.

Mandarin is the new English

Thanks to the massive colonization plans by the UK during the Colonial Era and the era of New Imperialism and the US as a rising superpower after WWII, English has been a global lingua franca, or simply a dominant international language, for decades and the English speaking population has been gaining influence over economic, scientific, political, cultural and social developments.

While the native English speakers can remain smugly monolingual for a century (has learning a second language been more than just a hobby to them?), assuming the rest of the non-English speaking population will learn their mother tongue and fit in their world, the tides have changed with the economies crumbling in most, if not all, English-speaking countries. China, though affected by the global depression, is still enjoying positive economic growth. Suddenly, the Communist nation who was once scoffed at by others has transformed into a blue-eyed kid whom every Capitalist cool kid wants to befriend post-Cold War. And of course, if you can’t make yourself a Communist like North Korea or a military junta like Burma or Fiji, at least you should be able to speak his language to win his heart (or money).

Now, it’s the native Mandarin speakers who can enjoy the privilege of monolinguals.

Like all the blondes in Asian countries being assumed English speakers and thus targets of real life spoken English practice, I, having a Chinese appearance, am always approached by native Mandarin speakers who assume that I speak their mother tongue. They always came up to me and, without warning, started talking to me in Mandarin right away. And did I mention that I’m in Australia? I may as well be ABC, BBC, CBC (whatsoever-BC), Japanese, Korean, Vietnamese, Indonesian, you name it.

Moreover, since my supervisor somehow has an impression that I can speak Mandarin (which is not entirely false), she started referring all those Mandarin speaking clients to me. And my Mandarin being better than their English (which actually isn’t any), Mandarin has become the main tool of communication. Wondering why those who can’t speak survival English can immigrate to Australia (I’m not referring to asylum seekers of course)? Money is another international language.

My friend always jokes that people come to Australia to learn English while I come here to learn Mandarin. To be frank, I speak more Mandarin than I was in Hong Kong.

Whether it’s Mandarin or English that is dominating the world, as a Hong Kong-born native Cantonese speaker, mastering a second or n-th language has become a fabric of life. It is a life skill that we all have to pick up since we’re young. I’ve seen many bright kids who unfortunately aren’t blessed with the English sense fail to make it to college, despite excellent Chinese language skills.

However the tides turn, we are still the minority. (though from time to time, I do indulge in an imagination in which Cantonese, along with traditional Chinese writing system, is the dominant international language and everyone around the world adores the standard Hong Kong accent and tries their best to imitate us. Life would be much easier then.)

On destiny and choice

I'm not sure if it's because my life has been so far reasonably smooth or I've got a strong sense of destiny, I don't believe in a wrong choice. I mean, if there's a master plan for each one of us (though not a Christian version of master plan I'm referring to), there's not much room for free will and thus a wrong decision. I know it's irrational, coz somehow I do believe in free will as well (what's the point of living if we're just acting out what's prescribed). It's one of the irrationalities that lies within me that I don't want to challenge.

At one point, the sense of destiny pulls me through adversities and cushions my ego against failures. At another, I want to believe that I do choose my life to protect my dignity and superiority of having a free will. Afterall, I myself construct my own religion and I don't mind the contrast or imperfection embedded in it.

Like everyone else, sometimes I do ponder on the alternative track of life. I mean, the if-version of a parallel life. But deep down I know I don't believe in that: something is meant to happen; something isn't.

These days, I've been thinking about a choice.

Very often, choices come as packages like those gift bags in a cosmetics shop, just that you can't buy each item separately at a higher price (all or nothing!) and that you can only buy one package. And a package choice is more difficult to make. You have to weigh the packages both item by item and as a whole. And when affection intertwines with aspiration and materials, it's even harder.

The stupid thing is, even though I don't believe in a wrong choice, I am afraid of making one. When I detach myself and view my life from a distance, I can see the plan. But now that I'm at the crossroads, the fear and frustration is so real.

There're both destiny and choice, and one leads to the other. Together they form an upward spiral of life.

At this moment I'm still lingering at the crossroads, at the same time weighing packages and waiting for signs of a turning point.

*********************************************************
Gosh, I've started to picture us together.
.
.
.
.
Did I just mention us? Damn, it's a bad sign.