Sleepless night

Another sleepless night tonight.

I struggled in my bed for one and a half hour, but still, was wide awake.

So I started thinking about my life in my bed; about how I became who I am. (It would be a project topic for my developmental psychology course at university.)

And somehow, my thought drifted to important men in my life. There are not many. As I counted, there were three I could think of.

I stopped struggling, got up and wrote my journal.

Important Man #1 goes to...
My Dad

It comes as no surprise that my Dad is the most important man in my life. He brought me to this world.

My dad used to be a smoker, and I used to have a very sensitive bronchus when I was a baby (still am, but the situation is much better when I am an adult). Whenever he smoked around, I would cough fiercely. Thus, he quitted smoking. Whenever I recalled this, I felt a surge of warmth inside me.

I come from a complicated family, much more complicated than what you could think of (I have never mentioned any real family problems, those that really crack me up inside out and have haunted my life since I was a child). I didn’t know my dad much. Really, not much.

Um… maybe I should stop talking about my dad. That is too much and too heavy a burden to talk about. I still want to sleep tonight.

Important Man #2 goes to...
Pang Pang

Surprise, huh?

Never would he realize he has been important in my life. Well, sometimes we don’t know when we have changed another life completely. If there were five people he was to meet in heaven, I might be one in the queue, waiting to reveal the moment—that particular moment—my life was changed, because of him.

He was my classmate at university. When I was still a psychology student, I didn’t know him much. One day after a tutorial lesson, when I was on my way back to the dorm, I bumped into him heading towards the Faculty of Education—that was the particular moment. He was to obtain an application form of PGDE and asked if I would like to take one as well. I did and in fact, I took five to six more copies for my hallmates. But I was the only one who applied.

So here I am, an English teacher of a secondary school, for nearly three years.

Sometimes, I can’t help but wonder what kind of job I would be doing if I weren’t a teacher. To be frank, I had never thought of being a teacher before I was admitted to PGDE. Never. But somehow, I accepted the offer and kind of start building up my career. Ok, maybe not really a career but at least I’ve got directions now.

I always feel blessed to have met him that day, at that moment.

Important Man #3 goes to...
Ex-boyfriend

I became a different person—a better one I suppose—not when he and I were together, but when we parted. You may not notice the difference before or after that (except that I may sometimes grumble about my singlehood now), but deep down I could feel something has been changing.

I am more honest to myself.
I am more aware of my own feeling.
I am more immune to emotional break-down.

And…
I know more about blessings.
I know more about myself.
I know more about love.
I know more about life.

I view the world differently as if a veil clouding my vision suddenly falls off.

Sometimes, I feel glad that he broke up with me (well, not defense mechanism at work). It hurt badly, and still does, but it is a good lesson. I used to think he was planted in my life to teach me something, without him intending to or knowing.

It is now 4 a.m. Great, time to sleep. After 2 hours, I have to start my day of work.