我很累。真的很累。

很累，但很不安。

腦袋不受控地轉動著。

無法將它停下。

但我真的很累。

我必須入睡。



我





要

睡。



很痛苦。

請你喜歡我

我：　我討厭你。


自我：為甚麼？


我：　我討厭失去控制的時候。我討厭失去自我。


自我：可是我一直沒有離開你。


我：　其實我很脆弱。


自我：這個我知道。我比任何人都清楚你。


我：　我很害怕。我不知該怎麼辦。


自我：你不是曾經也很討厭自己嗎？最後你也克服了自己。


我：　那時的我很傻。


自我：現在的你也很傻。


我：　我控制不了自己。


自我：你可以的，只要你願意。
　　　午夜過後，請你重新喜歡我。我倆都知道，我們不能失去對方。


我：　我會試著。你會在我身邊支持我嗎？


自我：會。因為我一直都很喜歡你。

I am not normal... not really.

In fact, Valentine's Day has nothing to do with my pathetic life on earth (so long as I don't dine out that day). But as the day is looming, I find myself getting drown in the what-should-I-buy-for-my-boyfriend/girlfriend and how-will-you-spend-the-day talk.

well... maybe it's time for me to reflect on my singlehood.

To be frank, I am not the kind of person who can be easily got along with. I may look pleasant at workplace or social gatherings, but I know that deep down, I am not.

I am not a bad girl (not bad enough) and I try hard to be a good one (not good enough either). However, I've got some weird habits or behaviours that keep guys away.

Let me count... (You may not know some of them unless you know me so well or you have lived with me for some time.)
1. can only eat fruit at breakfast or will feel uneasy throughout the day.

2. have to take several supplement pills each night to sustain my life or will feel undone.

3. can't eat any starchy food during lunch (esp. rice) or will definitely fall asleep in the afternoon. There are only protein and fibre but no carbohydrate in my lunchbox except during holiday when I can sleep as much as I like.

4. drink only water or unsweetened tea while having meals. I can't tolerate having something sweet with something salty. (Having sweet and sour dishes is ok as basically they are salty to me, but a sweetened drink is sweet and is not salty in any sense.)

5. don't like taking photos of mine and can't smile naturally in front of the camera.

6. can't act naturally when encounter with strangers; for most of the time I will just stay mute even with my friends sometimes.

7. love desserts so much but need to share them/ have them with the others or cannot fully enjoy them.

8. can't stop eating starchy food when under pressure.

9. will become impatient, radical and bitchy when something or somebody gets on my nerve.

10. don't eat beef and don't really eat pork; don't eat instant noodles either unless in a life-or-death situation.

11. can't swim; can't sing; can't flirt; can't cook; can't play the piano; can't smile; can't converse; can't joke; can't read maps; can't put on make-up properly...

12. needs to drink tanks of water every day or will feel dehydrated.

The list still goes on...

These may sound trivial but they do matter when it comes to a romantic relationship. Believe me, they DO matter. (Of course, I won't deny that something else counts in a relationship as well. Everything single thing counts, anyway.)

Is that why I am still single? well... God knows.

Everything is fine as long as I am fine with myself--being single and being a bit weird sometimes.

鄉情。親情。

小時候，每逢春節都會跟家人回鄉探親。那時覺得這是一件苦差。一來，我很怕寒冷的天氣。內地的天氣比香港寒冷得多，每次回鄉媽媽總會用厚厚的衣服將我纏得腫腫的，令我寸步難行。二來，那時中港交通不像現在方便，每次過關得用上數小時。好不容易到了深圳，還得挽著大包小包的迫上公車，熬數小時車程才到達目的地。雖然每次都是一大清早出門，但到達祖父祖母家時已是午飯過後。

那時我對內地的印象不太好，總覺得那地方龍蛇混雜，連公安都不是好人。但回到鄉間又是另一個世界。對於年紀尚小的我來說，那裡的一切都很新奇。我喜歡吃舅母造的油角；我喜歡坐上伯父的電單車，跟他四處遊玩；我喜歡看表姐上學用的書；我也喜歡在夜裡放煙花。

年紀漸大，我開始懂得對家人說「不」。現在春節時都不願意跟家人回鄉。上一次回鄉已是八年前的事－－那時祖父剛剛去世。

今年春節，我再次跟家人回鄉。

現在返內地比以往方便得多，只需兩個多小時就到達祖母家（由屯門到番禺！）。我也不用挽著大大小小的行李，只要一個背包就夠了。今年的年初一及年初二很和暖，所以我不用穿厚厚的大衣。

只是，中國人的難民性總改不了。當火車駛到羅湖車站時，人群拉著行李一窩蜂的衝出車卡，跑到關口，將我跟家人都衝開了。過了香港的關口後，又跑至深圳的關口。其實現在過關等候的時間不長，不消數分鐘就可以到達彼岸，人們不用那麼趕急吧。

祖母見到我們時很高興，她說我成長了不少。她雖然已經八十多歲，但身體仍然很好。我還見了不少親戚，只是我總分不清他們的輩份。

以往鄉間的玩意，現在已變得乏味。就連煙花也不敢放，生怕一不小心炸斷手腳。這次行程的主要活動就只有食與逛街。

在鄉間只留了一晚就回香港了。老實說，我不大喜歡鄉間的衛生環境；而且晚上也睡得不好。回到家中有一種如釋重負的感覺。

臨走時，祖母叮囑我們要多些回鄉探她。我的心裡泛起了一陣內疚感。其實祖母年紀不少，我也明白相聚的時間不太多。可以的話，我會再次回鄉探她。

有人記得劉子睿嗎?

如果你是九九年或以前入讀崇基學院的舊生，你應該記得那位風趣幽默的校牧－－劉子睿博士。每逢星期五的週會上，他幽默的言語總會為週會增添不少歡樂氣氛，令人感到崇基大家庭的溫暖。他亦是明華堂的舍監，故此於不少舍際活動中也可以看到他的蹤影。他是如此的親切和藹。

可惜在我大學三年級時，劉子睿博士離開了中大。有傳言說這是因為明華堂舍生在宿舍內貼出性愛對聯，故此他需要為此負上責任。他離開崇基學院的真正原因無從稽考。我只記得新校牧上任之後，週會少了一份溫馨，也少了不少歡樂。

這是我對中大回憶的一部份。

這天，我在香港中央圖書館巧遇劉子睿博士。那一刻，情況其實有點滑稽．．．

那時我發現視線內出現了一個熟悉的身影。老實說，我當時努力地從我記憶深處找出那個人的名字，但是最後也想不出來。那一刻，我只是凝視著他，思考著。他顯然發現有一奇怪女子望著他，故將視線投向我。四目交投之際，我擠出了一個微笑，而他則露出一臉疑惑（也可能是一臉驚恐）。我本想就此離去，但又不忍他呆站在原處，大惑不解地看著我。故此我上前介紹自己，表露自己是崇基舊生的身份。

他問我於哪一年畢業，我想了好一會才能答出畢業的年份。原來不知不覺間我已畢業了三年多，而劉子睿博士也離開了中大四年多。

跟他閒談了數句，我們又再次分道揚鑣。

遇上他的感覺得溫暖－－這是中大回憶帶給我的溫暖。

I am normal today!!!!

Things I have done today -- so far:

1. slept for 13 hours (felt great and energized! still want more of it now...)

2. lunched and dined at home, and no junk starchy, sugary food (Thanks to the abundant sleep)

3. watched The Terminal (I didn't fall asleep!!!! Can you believe this! I was glued to the screen without being distracted. It had nothing to do with the quality of the movie, of course. Though I like the movie ^^)

4. flipped through some tabloid magazines (and left 2 issues of the Time untouched. In fact, they are still wrapped.)

5. watched lots of TV at night without feeling gulity of not working

6. surfed on the Internet aimlessly and currently icqing

7. planned to stay up late tonight and read (just bought one more book yesterday)

How wonderful to have a normal life like this! Yes, I have started my Lunar New Year holiday!!!!!!! Huuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrray!!!!