Confession of a Singleton

It's not my confession (*cough*mine will come later*cough*).

It's from my girlfriend who is a few years older than me and single as long as I know her.

The whole thing may sound rather cliche and may look like something from self-help books or columns in girls magazines which glorify girls power, but it touches the deepest part of my heart when somebody shares face to face with you the starkest bit of her path to coming to terms with singletondom, provided that we just see each other once or twice a year and did not really keep in touch for the rest of the time.

It reminds me of something I have long forgotten; something that reminds me of the faith (or inner poise :)) I should have upheld in times of desperation and frustration.

So here it goes...

For years, my girlfriend was somehow in a relationship frenzy. She tried to broaden her social circles and meet more friends. A decent (and Christian) guy was what she looked for but it seemed it’s a difficult enough task to accomplish.

As time went by, her friends and colleagues around her have, in one way or another, settled in a relationship one by one while she was still in the middle of nowhere. She started to cast doubt over her personality and appearance and kept questioning herself: what went wrong with me?

She felt like a love pariah and was in emotional doldrums especially at Christmas when you're supposed to spend it with a significant/intimate other (a.k.a. boyfriend). Self-help books were once her companion but little if any seemed to allay her worry. And the what-went-wrong question had been haunting her ever since.

However, life will always leave a window open when it closes its door (as long as you realize that part of trick). The mission trip to one of the poorest areas in the Philippines had changed her way of perceiving the world and gave her a chance to reconstruct her value system.

The image of a deprived life and the message it conveyed emblazoned into her mind. The views of skinny, flimsy children on TV was nothing when compared to a real hug to them. She felt that part of her heart was melting in sympathy with the children while another part in gratitude of what she already had. She came to realize that it's more blessed to give than to receive, and that there's something bigger in life which deserves more of her energy and concern than whether having a guy with you.

You can always hear things like count your blessings or try your best and let God take care of the rest, but personal experience can always teach you a better lesson.

She said she would let the nature take the course of her love life. And, she believed snuggling up to cats is just as lovely as to a man. She has said something like that before, but this time I know it's not defense mechanism at work. She really means it.

Here comes mine...

There's always a perennial mind struggle when one comes to terms with singletondom. Your rational-independent-modern-girl self tells you that you should enjoy life with or without a guy beside you. But your emotional self tells you, sometimes you need companion or consolation more than a batch of girlfriends; and sometimes, you don't mind having a causal hook-up.

To be frank, I did feel frustrated and confused (ok, sometimes desperate) at some points over the past few years after I broke up with my ex-boyfriend. Well... a funny blend of guys did approach me—student, married man, childhood friend, netfriend, vanished guy—except a normal one.

Sometimes your friends and colleagues make you (a.k.a. me) more desperate than you actually feel. They kept asking you whether somebody stands a chance whenever any male creature pops up in your social life as if you're so man thirsty that you will settle with anybody or anything willing to take you. Some singletons also make jokes about you and other engaged guys (constantly!) so as to convince the world that you fancy any man you know (Well... instead of being understanding and supportive, some singletons will try to make you look gloomier than them. For this, it is definitely defense mechanism at work.).

An ex-singleton girlfriend used to share with me her worries of not being in a relationship. But once she turned boyfriended, singletons feeling lonely and wanting a relationship started to look cheap and weak to her.

You may not realize how much social stigma a singleton faces in their life if (a) you have not been single long enough after 20 (um...better make it 22); (b) you have never felt any gloom at any point of your singleton life; (c) the group of guys chasing you are perfectly normal and has never thinned or (d) you have already been in a Zen-like mental status and truly realized the true value of your life.

Unfortunately, I'm not a type (d).

But tonight, I felt rather Zen-like and full of inner poise after having a warm re-union with my friends (pleased with myself :)). I feel a strong desire to jot down my girlfriend's feeling so as to remind myself the amazing grace of life.

I don't want the gloomy thoughts to creep up on me anymore.

I'm moving into the postgrad hall--Inter-University Hall--with my girlfriend (who is my ex-colleague) in September.

Never heard of the hall? Me neither. What I know is, it's a newly renovated staff-residence-turned-postgrad-dorm and its location is perfect. If you've studied in CU before, you should have noticed a few blocks of buildings standing just next to the shuttle bus station at KCR station. One of those is the hall I'm going to stay at. Yes, the place is rather spooky but it's just a stone's throw away from the KCR station and the rate is rather low.

When I told my colleagues about that, all of them were really worried about the hygienic condition of the flat (yes, it's a flat and apart from a roommate, I'm going to have flatmates as well) and they dreaded to imagine what happened when two messy girls got to live together. well... as a matter of fact, I share the same worry too. But things won't get too horrible I suppose, as there is room service once the other day. ^_^"

I can't get the key until 2/9 (which is really late!), so I can only expect four blank walls with some really basic stuff for survival in my room in the first month. And to be frank, I can't think of any time to squeeze for really personalising it until Christmas.

Anyway, forget about the personalization thing, a comfortable bed is good enough after a harsh day :)

* * * * * * *

I'm getting OCD-ish these days. I can't stop myself from applying layers and layers of body lotion. Even if I manage to stop myself, it's only a short while before I do it again! The large bottle is now half-full after a few days of use.

Luckily, I use cheap ones.

I'm back

Having such a world renowned airport in Hong Kong, I would always parade from the arrival gate with my nose pointing to the sky and a flicker of pride in my chest. My face would read: I live here in Hong Kong and this prestigious airport is our glory.

But not today.

The plane we took landed in the middle of nowhere in the airport. Instead of proceeding to the terminal immediately as I normally do, we had to wait for the bus to ferry us to the airport terminal in sweltering tropical heat. The foreign girl standing in front of me gasped: Oh my god.

When we finally arrived at the terminal, the elevator going up did not work. So people had to climb stairs after stairs with bulky luggage to reach the Customs on the second floor. What made the whole thing a Dilbert story was, the elevator going down worked perfectly well but nobody used it. Why didn't they simply make it upward bound so that the influx of tourists could use it?

That's how we formed stigma—through first impression.

Anyway, I was finally home.

The first thing I did after I claimed my luggage was to buy a big bottle of water and a bottle of green tea at 7-11. How much I missed the convenience stores! I drained all the liquid with satisfaction on the way home. I hadn't drunk so much water since I left Hong Kong!

When I got back home, I found my desk overflown with letters and stuff to deal with; and I have already felt a tingle of stress.

I have to face my life again.

Biscuit@Paris

Strange. I didn't have much strong impression on Paris. Maybe it just turned out to be what I used to imagine—somewhere like London but more chaotic than that.

Well... in short, it's an international hub buzzing with tourists from all around the world and people from all walks of life looking for a living. It's quite interesting to find that people around you spoke different kinds of languages but it's definitely not a city I adore.

For most of the time, I was left in the swirl of confusion when facing the crisscrossing transport systems and roads. And it's not easy to get directions from the local not only because they don't speak English, but also because not many of them were friendly.

We managed to visit all the key tourist attractions and did some shopping in a bit more than two days. And I finally finished my trip to Europe and headed back home.

A world without strangers

The overnight train from Prague to Munich was a torture to me. Tiny though the train cell was, it was crammed with two 3-bunk beds. I had to crawl to the top and squeese myself carefully into the cell. By the way, people in Europe like cooping themselves up in a sealed chamber no matter how stuffy or suffocating it is. So I passed a night of a life of a canned sardine.

As expected, most of train compartments were occupied by Koreans. In fact, all the Asian faces I saw were Koreans and the only language I heard was Korean! I felt like being in Korea rather than in Europe.

The only thing I felt delighted about the train ride was, I met a Korean girl travelling with her mum and we had a happy chat at night :) We exchanged e-mails and hopefully we could hear from each other soon.

Biscuit in Germany

The city was still asleep when we arrived at Munich in the very morning on Sunday. Everywhere was deserted and in dead silence. I was goosebumped in the chill of the windswept Germany morning, but it's better than being grilled in blazing heat.

Munich did not look as interesting, so we just nosed around the area close to the train station before heading to Fussen--the gateway to Schloss Neuschwanstein.

Fussen was our first station in Romantic Road which is a path of castles and palaces. It was a peaceful town full of interesting shops which I enjoyed very much. However, the Neuschwanstein Castle was not as fairyland-like as I imagined.

Rothenburg was the next stop. It was insular with fortress and its streets were lined with special shops. However, the weather was not that good--it's a bit cool and rainy. I was always greeted by icy air in the open area. But the host of the place we stayed at was really nice ^^.

And now I am blogging in Wurzbug--the third stop in Romantic Road. And yes, we have already walked around the whole place (including supermarkets and boring department stores!) and felt like taking a rest in an Internet cafe. After twelve hours, I will be in Paris.

By the way, I think I have to force myself on diet in the rest of the trip. As a cheese monster, I have gulped down tonnes of cheese--which scared my travelmate... It was supposed to be a weight-losing trip.

I think I won't squander my money on the Internet anymore before I head home.

Blog later ^^