Life without soul

What a day!

I’m still suffering from the hangover of sleep deprivation.

I could function well in the morning, but in the afternoon, I worked like a zombie.

My heart kept telling me I should not go to the interview in HKU. It was too far away, it was drizzling out there, I was too tired and I had offers from CU already. And people always say you should listen to your heart.

But I was still confused, so I called Ruth and Siu Man, hoping to get some advice from them. They are always supportive even when I am so troublesome and worry too much over something trivial. I felt better and more determined after talking with them.

At last, my willpower won.

With tremendous effort and willpower, I dragged myself to Pokfulam. I did feel a bit aroused during the interview, even though I was starving and exhausted.

The girls in my interview group were really nice. We chatted along the way to the bus stop after the interview. In fact, I didn’t have much feeling towards the interview; but I felt quite happy having met those girls, even though I may not see them again.

I went to Admiralty and tried to get something to eat, but I couldn’t find anything decent and affordable amid all those classy restaurants. So I headed home feeling starved and completely drained. I was so hungry that I couldn’t fall asleep on bus.

Luckily, I got something nice to eat at home. Home sweet home ^^.

I can't really write anymore... I need to sleep now.

Sleepless night

Another sleepless night tonight.

I struggled in my bed for one and a half hour, but still, was wide awake.

So I started thinking about my life in my bed; about how I became who I am. (It would be a project topic for my developmental psychology course at university.)

And somehow, my thought drifted to important men in my life. There are not many. As I counted, there were three I could think of.

I stopped struggling, got up and wrote my journal.

Important Man #1 goes to...
My Dad

It comes as no surprise that my Dad is the most important man in my life. He brought me to this world.

My dad used to be a smoker, and I used to have a very sensitive bronchus when I was a baby (still am, but the situation is much better when I am an adult). Whenever he smoked around, I would cough fiercely. Thus, he quitted smoking. Whenever I recalled this, I felt a surge of warmth inside me.

I come from a complicated family, much more complicated than what you could think of (I have never mentioned any real family problems, those that really crack me up inside out and have haunted my life since I was a child). I didn’t know my dad much. Really, not much.

Um… maybe I should stop talking about my dad. That is too much and too heavy a burden to talk about. I still want to sleep tonight.

Important Man #2 goes to...
Pang Pang

Surprise, huh?

Never would he realize he has been important in my life. Well, sometimes we don’t know when we have changed another life completely. If there were five people he was to meet in heaven, I might be one in the queue, waiting to reveal the moment—that particular moment—my life was changed, because of him.

He was my classmate at university. When I was still a psychology student, I didn’t know him much. One day after a tutorial lesson, when I was on my way back to the dorm, I bumped into him heading towards the Faculty of Education—that was the particular moment. He was to obtain an application form of PGDE and asked if I would like to take one as well. I did and in fact, I took five to six more copies for my hallmates. But I was the only one who applied.

So here I am, an English teacher of a secondary school, for nearly three years.

Sometimes, I can’t help but wonder what kind of job I would be doing if I weren’t a teacher. To be frank, I had never thought of being a teacher before I was admitted to PGDE. Never. But somehow, I accepted the offer and kind of start building up my career. Ok, maybe not really a career but at least I’ve got directions now.

I always feel blessed to have met him that day, at that moment.

Important Man #3 goes to...
Ex-boyfriend

I became a different person—a better one I suppose—not when he and I were together, but when we parted. You may not notice the difference before or after that (except that I may sometimes grumble about my singlehood now), but deep down I could feel something has been changing.

I am more honest to myself.
I am more aware of my own feeling.
I am more immune to emotional break-down.

And…
I know more about blessings.
I know more about myself.
I know more about love.
I know more about life.

I view the world differently as if a veil clouding my vision suddenly falls off.

Sometimes, I feel glad that he broke up with me (well, not defense mechanism at work). It hurt badly, and still does, but it is a good lesson. I used to think he was planted in my life to teach me something, without him intending to or knowing.

It is now 4 a.m. Great, time to sleep. After 2 hours, I have to start my day of work.

Nightmare

Because of constant sleep deprivation during workdays, it becomes almost an instinct for me to oversleep during holidays. My brain will produce Melatonin right after lunch despite the intense sunlight out there and no matter how much I have slept last night. After a while, I will fall asleep without warning. I think that 'instinct' will soon be imprinted in my genes and passed on to the next generations of mine, if I ever have any 'next generation'. So up till now, I have spent half (maybe more than half) of my holiday in bed.

I don't know if I like being in a semi-conscious state as when I am dreaming or I am obessed with the content feeling after a good-night sleep--a precious feeling that I seldom experience during normal workdays. I just enjoy sleeping.

But these days, sleeping becomes a torture to me. Whenever I slept, I had nightmares. For many times, I woke up from nightmares just to find myself gasping for breath, my heart racing with fear and my mouth going dry. I would wake up several times a night. Even when I was having an afternoon nap, I would have the same experience.

I could't recall any images from my nightmares, but I'm sure they weren't about schools; nor could I see any Freddy-like creatures. But the fear and discomfort from the nightmares linger on, haunting me throughout the day. I suffer from headache because I couldn't sleep well.

Maybe something deep down is annoying me without my knowing, and it creeps in my dream when I am in a subconscious state (a Fredian explanation). Or I just slept too much and my body was struggling to strike a balance.

Anyway, I am still having a headache right now and I don't feel like sleeping.

I just wish that I can have a good night's sleep tonight as I will start my work tomorrow.

Holiday reading

The Alchemist

by Paulo Coelho (translated by C.E. Landers)

Prologue

The alchemist picked up a book that someone in the caravan had brought. Leafing through the pages, he found a story about Narcissus.

The alchemist knew that legend of Narcissus, a youth who knelt daily beside a lake to contemplate his own beauty. He was so fascinated by himself that, one morning, he fell into the lake and drowned. At the spot where he fell, a flower was born, which was called narcissus.

But this was not how the author of the book ended the story.

He said that when Narcissus died, the godesses of the forest appeared and found the lake, which had been fresh water, transformed into a lake of salty tears.

"Why do you weep?" the godesses asked.

"I weep for Narcissus," the lake replied.

"Ah, it is no surprise that you weep for Narcissus," they said, "for though we always pursued him in the forest, you alone could contemplate his beauty at hand."

"But... was Narcissus beautiful?" the lake asked.

"Who better than you to know that?" the godesses said in wonder. "After all, it is by your banks that he knelt each day to contemplate himself!"

The lake was silent for some time. Finally, it said:

"I weep for Narcissus, but I never noticed that Narcissus was beautiful. I weep because, each time he knelt beside my banks, I could see, in the depths of his eyes, my own beauty reflected."

"What a lovely story," the alchemist thought.

* * * * * * * *

Yes, it is a lovely story. It is short but deep--deep enough for keeping you thinking even after you have finished the book. I can't get engrossed in another fiction after I finished it. I have to rest a bit before I proceed to another book.

* * * * * * * *

After reading Confessions of a Shopaholic (by Sophie Kinsella), I lost the impulse to shop. I head home right after I have finished my business, instead of wandering around the shopping centre which I usually do. And I am unwilling to spend a penny (unless in a social gathering).

I even lose the motive to buy food.

well, this is not bad.

Anyway, reading one book by Sophie Kinsella is more than enough, as all the books written by her are more or less the same.

尋找安全感的女孩

從前有一個缺乏安全感的女孩，她一直在尋找可以填補她心中那缺口的東西。

她嘗試去愛，可是她不懂得如何表達自己（這可是天生的缺憾啊），結果每次都碰得一鼻子灰。

她嘗試去累積財富，可是她發現物質（尤其是食物）可以暫時填補她心中的洞，即使那感覺很快消失。於是她把金錢都花在食物上；逛超級市場也成為了她的興趣。

她嘗試去追求事業及可見的將來，可是她每年都要為一份合約煩惱。

這次，她嘗試去尋找學歷。

有了學歷，她不用再為一份合約擔憂，因為她知道她的選擇比以前多。
有了學歷，她可以安心去尋找自己的夢。因為她知道她任性過後回到現實，她仍然可以擁有事業。
有了學歷，她可以將心裡的那個洞填滿。

她報讀了數個碩士課程，這天她得到了兩次面試的機會。

第一個面試：三個教授對一個申請人
第二個面試：兩個教授對十個申請人

她很著緊這兩次面試的機會，為了這兩次面試，她失眠了好幾晚。
可是她過份緊張，不懂得表達自己，把兩次機會都扼碎了。

這晚她的心情很壞。因為她知道這一次她又失敗。

她明白她要學會隨遇而安。
她明白在適當的時候她要懂得放開心中的包袱。
她明白她需要享受生活。

可是在內心深處她知道心中的缺口越來越深、越來越大...

　　　　　　　　　　＊　　　　　＊　　　　　＊　　　　　＊　　　　　＊


香港是一個奇怪的地方。

董建華處理自己辭職的傳聞，竟然跟鄭秀雯處理許志安的關係一樣。

即使全城都知道董將會辭職；
即使社會各方都在爭論新任特首的任期及人選；
即使董的盟友不繼跟傳媒發放他身體狀況的消息；

只要官方沒有正式證實傳聞，他就以為可以把傳聞視而不見。

個多星期前各份報紙不約而同地發放同一個消息，而且內容差不多一樣，很難令人相信這是一個巧合。

如非得到中央首肯，如此一個重要消息不會同一時間出現在各大報刊的頭版。既然這個是策略性的安排，作出這個決定的人如不是跟董建華開玩笑，就是一點時間觀念都沒有。

由消息傳出到人大政協閉幕會議（即傳聞中特首會向公眾宣佈請辭的一天）相距足足兩星期。難道董認為香港社會可以忍受整整兩星期的政治不安嗎？或是他認為香港的股票市場需要兩星期去消化他離職的傳聞？

請尊重市民的智慧。我們並不是呆子。我們不會相會鄭秀雯跟許志安（以前）只是好朋友，更不會相信特首請辭的傳聞真的只是一個傳聞。

咆哮

呀~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~ 呀~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~呀 ~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~呀 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~呀 ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~呀 ~~~~~ ~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~ ~~ ~~~~~~~~~ 呀 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~ ~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~ ~~~~ ~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ 呀~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~ ~~~~~~呀 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~

























很想很想大哭一場。



對自己一點信心也沒有。