Being Ada. Being Shan. Being myself.

Most of my friends, especially good friends, are Christians. Even though I have no religion, my indifferent attitude towards religions has made our religious difference a trivia. Alright, I do feel uneasy with their homophobia and obsession with God’s plans sometimes but it isn’t a big problem as long as I’m not anti-Christ or a radical homosexuality activist.

I’m not a church person obviously but, despite some weird church experience, I don’t mind going to church when my friends invite me repeatedly, even though it always turns out to be a one church stand.

Since going to church is one of the most important weekend activities here besides gardening and drinking, I did pop in some sort of cell groups twice since I’ve been here.

However, the more I try to commit, the more I feel like living a parallel life of a prospective Christian caroling and praying at church and a 100% non-believer enjoying God Delusion by Richard Dawkins the atheist and the teachings by the Dalai Lama at home.

Last night while I was watching a video about intellectual design vs. Darwinian theory at church, my mind trailed off to a bunch of what-ifs—what life would be if I just, you know, chose the otherwise (which is what people usually do when their mind is free). My life would definitely be rosier if only I kept my job which set me free from financial worries; if I said yes to that boy (well, any boy) with a decent job, a decent degree and a decent character; and if I just convince myself to believe in the Christian version of God, looking at the positive evidence of the intellectual design theory and committing myself in a buzzing, spiritual church life. I would be leading a Barbie-like life, enjoying a nice career, a nice relationship and a rewarding spiritual life by any social standard.

But deep down I know…

I can’t commit.
I can’t stay in my job anymore.
And I can’t say ‘yes’ to just any Kens who look promising.
I’m not Barbie after all.

Now after more than a decade of casual church attendance, I suddenly feel a pressing need to make a statement of my beliefs* (and non-beliefs).

We all have the experience of feeling bad about our minority self and trying to blend in the mainstream by concealing or distorting that part of ourselves. At school, it is peer pressure one has to brave through; but in a society, it is social stigma.

My friend (who is at the same age as mine) who is doing a full-time Masters course is hesitant to tell her nosy neighbours that she does not have a full-time job at the moment.

And she and I know how it feels to walk out from the comfort of the mainstream to the labelling zone--almost 30, boyfriendless single, jobless, overeducated, with depleting savings.

To be frank, I always secretly admire the courage of those middle-aged housewives wearing vibrant colours and using Hello Kitty accessories despite disapproving glare from others. I’m also encouraged by those walking fashion disasters who give me strength to be comfortable with myself.

After all these years, I have to accept who I am and who I am not, and be proud of my choice.

Last night when I left the church, I knew it was another one church stand.

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* I believe...

1. I believe in Invisible Hand.
2. I believe in Judgment (not necessarily like a suspect being interrogated in a court setting but a sense that we’re all responsible for what we’ve done in the end).
3. I believe in Lessons underlying misfortune and those brought to us by each person we encounter.
4. I believe that love is what remains at the end of our life and what can be carried forward.
Basically these are the common factors of most religions though it is not how I come to formulate them.