What lies beneath and beyond (i.e. New Year Resolution)

I believe that everything has a theme.

My life has (at least) one, I believe, though I won't know that until the last minute. And there is a theme for every year.

Let me see...
2003 is a year of turbulence;
2004 is a year of renewal;
2005 is a year of depression;
2006 is a year of self-enlightenment;
and 2007 is a year of pursuit.

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Some random thoughts in 2007

(1) Being an adult
I have finally realised that I am an adult (which is a mental status rather than an age-defined concept; but still, I admit that it comes a bit late) and my list of can'ts is growing with my age.

I can't afford the mess-around-then-screw-up-everything-so-restart type of life; I can't afford an unpromising relationship; I can't afford making a wrong move in my career; I can't afford being stagnant; I can't go experimenting with anything new just because I want to; I can't keep pretending to be naive; I can't dress like a teenage/MK girl; I can't afford any all-nighters; I can't splash out most of my money on fashion and entertainment; I can't be having no financial management; I can't be planless.

I have to talk like an adult--being able to feed stock, property, politics or rearing babies (even though I don't have one) in conversations. Your life achievements are no longer measured by your grades but whether or not you have a car, a property, a wife/husband, a well-paid job or a platinum credit card.

Gone are the days when I would go sleepless before school picnic days and could cry over a friend moving to another town. Chocolate and sleep were once the best remedy for a sad mood.

As one gets older, one will understand that tears won't come easily when you're really sad. Instead, people cry when they feel happy.

Another symptom of such an adult realisation is the fear of being broke.

When I was young, I didn't mind having a simple, deprived life. I was still living in my own fantasy of dreams and fairy tales. They protected me from the stark reality of the adult world. They gave me hope.

All those shelters are now turned into dust and leave a dark, deep hole inside me. For years, I have been working hard to grasp as much as I can to fill that hole; yet the more I dump into that hole, the bigger it grows. I feel helpless but I don't want to let go of what I have already had.

I can't lose.

I am an adult now.

I know, this is just the beginning.

(2) Passing that point of no return
I'm not a mechanical rides type of person. I couldn't even stand the ride at the Snoopy Town at Universial Studio, Osaka (and yes, it's for kids). So when I visited the Tokyo Disneyland with my friends this summer, I felt hesitant when they dragged me to Space Mountain. They said if I hadn't tried Space Mountain, I hadn't really had a real Disneyland experience.

Despite feeling unsettled, I kept telling myself to step outside my comfort zone and get a new experience. As the queue shuffled forward slowly, I noticed that there was an emergency exit for those who decided not to take the ride on a second thought. However, while I was struggling whether or not I should slip away, the current of moving people had already taken me past the exit. Nevertheless, there's always hope. I saw but missed the second and third exits. When it came to the forth one (which I believed was the last one), I sneaked away in the last minute (and I felt grateful I did so).

As I am planning my studies in Australia, flashing signs of emergency exit keep popping up on my way, just like those at Space Mountain, offering me chances to escape from the shaky, insecure life. I know deep down that at this point I can still choose to fall back to the comfortable, blissful life that I'm having now and pretend that nothing has ever happened, nothing has ever been planned if I take that exit. However, this time, I'm not going to sneak away.

I know that I'm about to walk past the last exit and beyond that, it is a way of no returns.

Step outside of my comfort zone, I keep telling myself.

I hope that, like Space Mountain, no matter how scary and turbulent the ride is, I can still land on the solid ground after the mind-blowing adventure with a clear, sane mind.

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As in 2008...
It will be a year of change.

I'm going to Australia to do a Masters degree in Educational Psychology, but I'm still sorting things out. There's so much to consider. So at this moment, that's all I can say.

There is another thing that I would like to do in 2008. I would like to turn myself into a lacto-ovo vegetarian for at least 95% of time. Actually I have been a lacto-ovo vegetarian for most of the time but I would like to make a commitment this time.

Stick to my plans--as simple a resolution as that.

I'm looking forward to what lies ahead.

Happy new year everyone.