走火入魔

I was confused about how to translate my jumbled thoughts and feeling into words in this entry. Things were too bizarre for me to take in.

Still remember the discipline camp I mentioned in the last entry? Last week, the other two F.4 classes went to that camp and were back on Friday. Actually their manic behaviours and post-camp ecstasy are nothing new and surprising though it's still unsettling. But what disturbed (and enraged) me most is that students are not the only one who have changed. Someone else has changed too.

Let me start with what happened in the camp which I skipped in the previous entry.

It's sorta of a military camp, so in addition to a varity of leadership training and group building activities, students were trained to obey totally. Whenever they failed to do so or to accomplish the tasks, they would be punished--by being shredded what's left in their dignity; like crawling on the floor, barking, saying aloud "I am a nerd", to name a few. Whenever the camp trainer spoke, students had to stoop down to listen (a hierarchy of authority was reinforced in this way).

There's also a music therapy session in which students were placed in a dimly lit room and asked to contemplate on life and their wrong-doings in the past while listening to songs with positive lyrics. On the other side of the room sat a few teachers (their class teachers, discipline teachers and the principal) to whom students could confess when they felt like to. Students would kneel in front of the teachers with tear-stained faces and beg them for their pardons.

On Friday when all five F.4 classes completed the military training, the principal asked the whole form to gather in the hall for a "debriefing" session.

The principal was overjoyed with the success of the camp (read: students' blind surrender to authority) and on stage, she instigated the crowd to hurl slogans and pushed them to an emotional high. She tried to mimic the camp trainers by devaluating the students' effort in a bid to push them to do better (read: shout more loudly. For what? Who knows).

She sounded possessed--possessed by her own demon within, a self of which she may not be aware. After two students leaders made their speech on stage, not being happy with their performance, she turned to the crowd and asked: "Are you happy with their speech?"

"NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Their reply pierced the air.

In her fumbled excitement, she continued: "What should we do if they fail to do their job?" At the same time she waved her hands to mimic a stir-frying action (in Cantonese, "stir-fry" means to sack somebody). Obviously she was suggesting an answer.

The crowd seemed oblivious to her gesture and shouted: "To encourage them!"

In a flash, the principal was stuck and seemed aware of her dark side. But very quickly, she resumed the camp-trainer role.

Toward the end of the so-called debriefing session, students lifted their class teachers like kings and queens, honouring their affection.

Before dismissing the crowd , the principal said: "I really enjoy watching classes C and D doing the duck jumping (note: it's one of their punishments in the camp)." Upon hearing this, the students stooped down and jumped, quacking like ducks at the same time.

After the debriefing session, I could still hear students chanting their slogans here and there around the school.

I was paralyzed in shock and anger by what happened. The infamous Stanford prison experiment came to my mind.

In the experiment, the assigned guards internalised their roles so profoundly that they had lost themselves and manipulated their power over the prisoners. They enjoyed their roles so much that they were willing to work extra hour without pay. The experiment which were planned to last 2 weeks was terminated after 6 days because of the unexpectedly violent situation getting out of hand.

I could see the guard in the principal.

The principal has imitated and later internalised the camp-leader's role to harness the fresh conformity instilled into the students. She had never wielded such power over them before and such a sudden, long-awaited enpowerment seems to have bewitched her. She didn't torture them or slave them or whatever, but she did enjoy manipulating students with her new found power.

Once you have tasted a piece of chocolate, you desire a bar. The principal has already expressed her interest in placing students from other forms in these military camps. I dread to think about what would happen if the whole school acts like an army of Red Guards.

I couldn't stop pondering over what have happened.

Do we have a free will?

Somehow, I can't deny that we as human beings are weak and impressionable. Sometimes, we can be made to do almost anything by the strength of the situation but not out of our inherent dispositions. Not only our behaviours but also our minds are conditioned by the environment.

I still remember when I was at university, a professor asked the class if we would join the Red Guards during the Cultural Revolution. A friend of mine said she probably would as the revolution was too overwhelming; it took a mighty willpower to get a grip of one's independent mind.

I think she's right.

Well, I do understand that neither nature nor nurture wins the century long debate. But in this case, the environment seems to have advantage over our minds and behaviours.

I may have gone too far as the effect of the 4-day military would not last too long as the reality closes in. But I felt bad enough about the whole scenario.

Anyway, I will wait and see what happens in the coming week.

*****************************************************

Last Thursday, I joked about the discipline camp in the staff room. I said I would kneel in front of the principal with pearls of tear rolling down my face, apologizing for always being late for submitting students' work for book inspections and for not preparing my lessons before I land myself in the classrooms.

We were laughing hard until I spotted the principal standing at the back of the staff room.

Oooooops.

Just been caught.

Bad news or Good news?

Attention! The following entry is heavily biased.

Deep down every school principal lives a communist or even a dictator dream -- students strictly conforming to dress codes, hairstyle codes and schoolbag codes; erupting greetings to teachers with joy and energy embedded in voice; succumbing to the authority (discipline! discipline! discipline!); forgoing self for group.

Does any of the above ring a bell in your mind?

um...

(Posters from http://www.iisg.nl/~landsberger/)

well...to certain extent, these are the ideas we teachers are instilling in students starting from nursery school, but somehow when I look at the molded smiles on their rosy faces, it is just impossible not to hate them.

If just looking at the posters give me gooseflesh, witnessing it here in modern Hong Kong is definitely an out-of-body experience.

Last Friday, three F.4 classes returned to school after a 4-day-3-night discipline camp. The first class had just landed in the school by the time I walked past the car park. The batch of students in camouflage uniforms stopped while a student at the front roared: 'SAY GOOD AFTERNOON TO MS. QOO!'

Before I was able to comprehend the whole situation, I heard a deafening greeting 'GOOD AFTERNOON MS. QOO!' followed by a triumphant clap.

My jaw fell on the ground.

I quickly fixed my jaw and replied playfully (well... just couldn't help it): 'um...actually I prefer English.' (note: they were greeting me in Cantonese). The whole batch repeated the whole thing in English.

While I was paralysed by the surreal scene on the spot, another batch of students arrived and the same thing happened.

The smiles on their radiant faces looked familiar to me... Yes! That's the smile in those posters.

As if the whole thing was not surreal enough, back in the classrooms, they knelt in front of teachers in a tearful face begging for their pardons for not trying their best, confessing their wrong-doings in the past. As reported by a dumbfounded teacher, the students lifted her and tossed her in the air while hurraying. They even ran around the school doing the confession thing to teachers in tear-laden face after school. Some boys cropped their hair so as to embrace a new self.

You must think I made it up. Well...that is totally understandable as even I myself who witnessed the whole thing found it utterly unbelievable.

All teachers including me were so curious about what happened in the camp that brought such a stunning transformation to students and 'brain-washing' was the most frequently heard adjective from some teachers who did not went to the camp with students.

The principal called a meeting to discuss how to sustain their behaviours at school. Some teachers are happy with the change of course. Somehow I think I should be happy too now that the students are more confident and positive. It is something we are working toward after all.

But the change sort of worries me. Can teenagers cope with such a big change in their perspectives now that they have left the cocoon where they were trained to be obey unconditionally and are back in the reality again? How can they deal with their family and friends with a new self and a new-found guilt?

It is rather irresponsible and to me, immoral to train students with malleable minds like this.

Well... in the mean time, my devilish self is looking forward to the morning assembly and the F.4 lessons on Monday. Somehow I'm expecting something more surreal...

Detoxication

很喜歡星期六下午啊 ^^

睡飽後呆在家中，喫喫茶、看看垃圾雜誌，很高興喔！

Avoidance hurts

Caught a glimpse of her in the corridor and tried to turn my way back to the staff room naturally without letting her notice my abrupt change of direction and my gathering pace.

Really hate myself for being so childish and unprofessional but didn't feel right to confront her at that moment.

Bumped into her at the school gate when leaving but couldn't escape coz was with my colleague. My colleague exchanged a few words with her while I tried to plaster a natural smile on my uneasy face.

Just got another SMS from her and felt that couldn't keep avoiding.

Decided to confront her tomorrow morning. Got to be brave and professional.

Maybe should prepare and reherse my speech a little bit tonight.

ai... am still too immature...

Crush

Felt an icy feeling dripping down my spine when I got a love SMS from a F.2 girl this afternoon. Actually that is the second love SMS from her--the first one being received on Valentine's Day.

At first I just thought it's kinda the girl's intimate way of showing fondness though the wording of the first one was a bit weird. But now, judging from the wording in the second message, I'm quite convinced it's a lesbian crush.

My friend told me not to worry so much as she's too young to distinguish love between lovers from the motherly affection from teachers. ummm, he's right. I will handle it professionally this time, hopefully.

After all, I have to learn how to set a visible boundary between my position as a teacher and students which I failed to do in the past.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

Gosh, just realized that today is Chinese Valentine's Day...

Are you polite?

Every morning, the assembly kicks off with a funny exchange of greetings between the host teacher and students.

"Good morning students", the teacher would announce, facing an army of well-lined students in the playground. In return, students would echo a barely audible "Goooooooooood mooooorniiiiing Mr/Ms. X". The host teacher would ask the students to repeat it if they find it really unacceptable. But the repeated greeting is usually no better than the first one.

Annoyed by the repeatedly apathetic response from students, the principal decided to give them a lecture on the importance of greeting the teacher loudly in the morning assembly.

So after the hall assembly in the last period on Friday, the principal materialized on the stage.

"Good afternoon," she started.

Dead silence.

One second passed.

Another second passed.

"Goooooood aaaafteeeernoooooon, Priiiiinciiiiipaaaal," erupted in the air.

"What?!" my mind exclaimed. You know, I was actually waiting for her to proceed without expecting such an eerie response. Obviously, the F.1 students could read the principal's intention better than I did.

The principal smiled with satisfaction and proceeded with her greeting-aloud-in-the-morning-assembly-means-being-polite theory.

I was as annoyed by the mechanical response from the F.1 students as the principal by students' mass greeting apathy.

What's more freaky, at the end of her lecture, she asked the crowd: "So now you understand everything I said?" The students had no choice but to return a dreamy, unenergetic "Yeeeeeeeeeessssssss" ("明-----------白-----------" was the actual wording). Again, the principal seemed satisified with it.

I felt like being part of a communist movie.

Does monotone mass greeting/response means courtesy?

I am under the impression that most students in this school are polite. They will greet you with a nod (whether they know you or not) or simply say "Good morning/afternoon" whenever they see you at school (or sometimes outside school). Some students will even give you a bow when they greet you. I was really impressed by their courtesy the first year I taught at this school.

Well, I myself am a polite person but to be frank, if I were one of them standing in the playground, I wouldn't even care to lip-greet, not to mention murmur a word.

So why do polite students refuse to greet the teacher in the morning assembly? Because the whole thing is not about being polite or not; it is just some kind of mindless discipline training through conditioning.

Hidden agenda: total obedience to the authority can free one from troubles.

I agree that discipline training is important in schooling because we live in a society confined by rules and orders. But every rule should be underlined by a legitimate reason. When a behaviour is drilled without a reasonable cause or, worse, with a misleading cause as such, we're molding students into rule-following robots. They stop asking why but only how.

Schooling is really a dangerous concept, especially here in Hong Kong. All those teacher pets are blind rule-followers while those who refuse to conform are labelled as outcasts or rebels.

Sometimes, I just don't know where the line between right and wrong lies after teaching for almost 5 years. Somehow, I feel like being assimilated into the system gradually. Horrible, isn't it?