病...

已經病了兩星期了...

吃完藥後有點神智不清，而且手腳無力。還有，那個超甜黑加侖子薄荷味藥水，令人很難受。

很痛苦。/_\

香港夢

一直對蔡素玉的印象都不太好。這幾天搭巴士看到一個關於她的訪問，對她有一點點改觀（但我依然堅持她不是一位有政治智慧的議員）。

蔡素玉生於一個貧困家庭。小時候從內地來港，生活有了些改善。當她仍住在鄉間時，她吃的只是稀粥。來港後數月，第一次嘗到一塊肉的感動，到現在仍暖在心頭。當時她入讀福建小學，憑著個人努力，升讀英華書院及香港大學。後來更加參與地區服務及擔任立法會議員。她說，如果她沒有來香港，她的一生將會徹低改變。她可能會跟其他鄉村婦女一樣，每天都會擔心家裡的母雞可有生蛋，跟丈夫為瑣事爭吵，為兒女的健康操心。

名人的成名史總教我們津津樂道：穿膠花的李嘉誠、在孤兒院長大的張瑪莉、住公共屋村的曾蔭權。

這些都是我們回憶中的香港奇蹟。

曾幾何時，我們每個人都有一個香港夢。我們都以為不論我們的出身或家庭背景如何，只要靠著個人才幹，我們就會在這片彈丸之地成功。但不知何時，我們創造的奇蹟越來越少。

現時香港有三十三萬兒童活在貧窮線以下。先莫論香港的社福制度，一直以才幹論英雄的教育制度已暗地裡為這班孩童設下不少障礙。

七十年代末，香港投進不少資源實施九年免費教育，教育開始普及化。家境清貧的學生也有機會接受優質教育；憑自己的實力考進自己喜歡的學校。而這班勤奮出色的學生（無論是生於富裕或貧困家庭），亦為學校建立了名聲及地位。那班名人校友自然成為學校的招牌。如今這些由公共資源及學生努力建立的名聲已成為那些傳統名校貴族化的籌碼。

近年越來越多傳統名校（例如聖保羅男女中學、聖保羅書院、德望學校、拔萃男書院等）轉為直資中學，還跟其直屬或聯繫小學甚至幼稚園接龍。如果要入讀那些傳統名牌中學，就先要入讀中學的直屬小學。而要入讀那些直屬/聯繫小學，不但要繳付高昂的學費，學生還需要多才多藝。學校還會要求學生的家長「投入」及「共同參與」學生的學習。雖然那些學校有提供助學金予經濟環境較差的學生，但試問一個活於貧窮線以下的兒童，何以符合那些「名校」的入學標準？即使他們是資優兒童，也無法踏入這些學校的門檻。

老實說，我的家長從來都沒有「投入」及「共同參與」我的學習。讀書、選科及擇業從來都是自己的事。我也很少向他們提及學校的事。其實低收入家庭的家長大多為口奔馳，很難全心全意關顧子女的學業。相信少年蔡素玉及曾蔭權也未能在這個世代考入這些「傳統名校」。

我並非要抹殺這些學校及教師所付出的努力。但是，這些學校可曾想過其辦學的目的？可有想過學校對社會的責任？可知道教育對下一代的重要性？

早陣子保良局教育事務部也蘊釀將保良局屬下學校全面轉為直資學校，後來因為遭到教師強烈反對才暫時擱置計劃。這實在是一個笑話，亦是一個悲劇。作為一個以香港為本的慈善及辦學團體，一方面打著「保赤安良」的旗號，另一方面將教育變得越來越商品化、越來越昂貴。那些高層可會記得保良局成立的目的是幫助弱勢社群，讓家境不富裕的學生也能接受優質教育？

我是保良局屬校的舊生。我在公共屋村長大，在屋村中學接受教育。我一直都很慶幸自己能夠接受優良教育。（當然，對於田鴨式及考試為本的制度，我依然感到不滿。）坦白說，我也曾為我的母校帶來一點點微弱的光芒。我希望我們每位舊生為母校帶來的一點點光芒，會繼續照耀大興村，為每一個區內孩子帶來一點點的希望。

我一直深信知識就是力量。教育可以帶我們走出貧困、為我們帶來希望。但當教育開始貴族化、開始以金錢作為資源分配的準則時，我們永遠不能幫孩子脫貧；貧窮亦會變成世襲。

我不是吹捧傳統名校、認為只有它們才能提供優質教育。我更加不是指富裕家庭成長的孩子智慧不及貧困兒童。只是看見現時整個教育景況多少有點唏噓。

對於我來說，為孩子提供平等機會發展，讓他們在公平的環境下競爭，才能幫助他們由一個社會階級上移至另一階級。

如今這個世代，我們還能夠創造多少個蔡素玉的奇蹟？還能成就多少個香港夢？

暴食@旺角和花亭

經歷今早的情緒失控後，今晚約了女朋友到旺角晚膳。兩個女孩子吃掉了十三碟壽司加一碟刺身，感覺真好。尤其是當一大塊芝士在口中慢慢溶化時，所有悲傷也似乎在跟著溶化。

當你再也不用理會卡路里及脂肪時，世界是如此的美好。

晚膳後在附近商場逛了一會，買了點東西。^^

今天不顧後果地放縱了一整天；明天，我會重新尋找生活的平衡點。

我不會再暴食及失控了。

我會好好照顧自己。

Body check

Emotional status
* ...in free fall
* emptiness
* helplessness
* hurt

Physical status
* FATigue
* not yet recovered from coughing

Psychological status
* imbalanced
* pathetic

Mental status
* utterly piece-meal
* completely burn-out

Appetite
* Binging
* Chocoholic ( in desperate need of dopamine)

Life perspective
* none
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Diagnosis
* borderline depression

Prognosis
* no sign of recovery in the short run
* gloomy in the long run

Remedies
* burn everything on my desk and in my bookshelf
* a long long vacation
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To my dear friends:

Whenever you see me on the verge of emotional break-down, please don't come comfort me. Leave me alone and let me take care of myself.

I really appreciate your care. I do.

It is just that I am too emotionally fragile that, when you offer me a supportive shoulder, I will totally melt down and can't piece myself up. It is ok when I am at home, but not when I'm at work, especially in early morning when all the work is waiting for me to handle ahead.

I will hold on.

I love you all.

EMB seminar

Please excuse me for my stereotype—I really think English teachers, like invisible men, are a mutated breed of human beings. They were originated from Planet G4690382740 and emigrated to Planet Earth when Hong Kong was colonized under the British rule... (I was lost in my free association.)

Today afternoon, I took a half-day official leave and went to Ngau Chi Wan to attend a seminar about the new senior secondary curriculum for English Language. The auditorium was crammed with English teachers socializing with each other and discussing educational issues. They were so teacher-like, to be accurate, English-teacher-like.

I took my medicine on bus, so I felt a bit dizzy. When the presenter was reading out his PowerPoint slides word by word, I started to lose myself in the echoes of his beautifully accented, hypnotizing voice. In a struggle to keep myself awake, my head was rocking back and forth. I tried to keep my movement delicate and natural so that nobody would notice. After all, everybody was so attentive and they wouldn’t care to pay attention to a dozing small potato.

My muscle was losing strength. It seemed that I could no longer support my body. My breath was slowing down and my eyes could no longer focus. I thought I saw a lovely dog and cheesecake…

BBAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!

Without warning, I banged my head against the book in front of me.

SHXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXT!

I quickly gathered myself to my original position and acted as normally as possible. Okok, don't panic, nothing really happened…

“I will upload this PowerPoint to our website. The website address is...”

Shall I send his remark to Dilbert.com? This may win the star quote of the week (if there is one).

So, that' s the first part of the seminar.

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After the break, a big potato from City University shared her teaching ideas with us. I was expecting some innovative ideas but it turned out to be another Dilbert story.

Did any of these admin people know the art of giving a presentation? With two PowerPoint slides consisting of a few words, the presenter could keep babbling for more than half an hour without getting to the main points.

Everybody was as attentive and interested as usual. It confirmed my assumption that they belong to the same spices.

“That's it for my part, thank you.”

That's it? I thought she had been making the introduction...

So that's it. That' s my afternoon here in Ngau Chi Wan.

Live report by Biscuit.

(P.S. Yes, I wrote this during the seminar. It kept my brain working and I looked more professional as I was *jotting down notes*.)

痛苦

我要暴食。
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壓力大得令人抖不過氣來。

昨晚依舊睡得不好。不時因咳嗽而醒來。

我不再跟自己鬥氣了。今天放學我會去看醫生。
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藥水很難渴 o_Q

病了

燒米餅病了...

但... 我不要看醫生。>.<

Losing control over myself

Thursday

News mentioned that love, like food and sleep, is a physiological need (that sounds familiar... did any of my psychology textbooks mention this?). So I suppose eating chocolate is also one--thank god I felt less guilty after gulping down a whole bar of dark chocolate.

The news also interviewed a couple who has been married for 80 years...

Florence the wife (looking at her husband): You still love me, right?
Percy the husband (looking at nowhere): Yes, darling.

That worked like a curse to me... right after I heard that, I was overflown by an anonymous wave of warmth and tears flooded my eyes.

I couldn't believe this--I was getting clinically depressive.

Friday

Felt like surrendering myself to my binging impulse which I've been striving to suppress.

It seemed that my stomach was on strike--it refused to send I-am-full signals to the brain and I ate like a goldfish these days.

Totally burnt-out.

(Hey Cat, thanks for your yoghurt. It made me feel a lot better, hohoho! I know I know... I robbed you of that... don't worry, I will try to stock some more over the weekend.)

Saturday

I have to sleep I have to sleep I have to sleep I have to sleep I have to sleep I have to sleep I have to sleep I have to sleep I have to sleep I have to sleep I have to sleep I have to sleep I have to sleep I have to sleep I have to sleep I have to sleep I have to sleep I have to sleep I have to sleep I have to sleep I have to sleep I have to sleep I have to sleep I have to sleep I have to sleep I have to sleep I have to sleep I have to sleep I have to sleep I have to sleep I have to sleep I have to sleep I have to sleep I have to sleep I have to sleep I have to sleep I have to sleep

Oops, I did it again... (in Britney-Spears style)
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Dinner with Terry at night. He looked much better than before. I could sense that his soul is back.

People with souls look more human.

When will my soul be back? (I now look like a zombie...)
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Bought a rainbow umbrella after dinner.

Feeling delighted for the rest of the night. ^^