我是一個人，不是一頭豬。

今天終於明白這麼一個道理：「不要跟豬打架。因為你只會弄得一身泥，而豬卻會很高興。」

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跟 Cath 談了一會，心情好了點。

Just got mad...

I really, really have had enough!

Why do I always act somebody I'm not?

You may be enjoying yourself but I definitely hate that!

And I hate myself being unable to show my hatred. I also hate that I have to act Ms. Nice and persuade myself to do so just because I am your teacher and I am supposed to help you with your studies and be nice to you and to reply you when you speak to me and to listen to you and to counsel you!

Why do I have to act like I'm professional? I'm not!

A joke

Whenever I shared with my friends my frustrations towards a student having a crush on me, there were generally three reactions:

1. "You must be happy about that!"
Am I pathetic enough to feel blessed or excited or thank-God-I-am-still-attractive or whatever because a teenage student has a crush on me who is almost a decade older? You must have watched too much of Piano Teacher. That is not something to boast of.

2. "Is he handsome?"
Does it make a difference? If he's handsome I should go ahead because I'm man-thirsty?

3. "Hahahaha... (echoing) that's funny."
Is that my problem? I must have talked about my worry like telling a joke.

The whole thing has been going on for almost a year. He sent me poems and kept asking me (seriously) if he stood a chance. He addressed me Goddess in his emails to me and told me how much he missed me. He even called me for trivial questions which he could ask on normal school days. These are just part of it.

To be frank, all these gave me gooseflesh. I really felt annoyed not just because of what he did but my role as his teacher. I'm not supposed to turn away when I meet him in the corridor (though I really want to) or decline him when he seeks academic help from me. He is a helpful, nice student after all and I don't want to hurt him.

I've been trying my best to settle it myself. I tried to keep a distance from him. I made my stance crystal clear (more than once) and even took a counsellor role to analyse with him his psychological path objectively (well... I may have overdone a little bit). He said he understood what I told him. But still, he will slip a sentence or so expressing his admiration to me when he talks with me and tries to protect me as if I'm a little girl.

I really have had enough. Did I take it too seriously? Should I laugh at the whole thing and let him do whatever he likes thinking that one day he will realise how silly he is?

Maybe the problem lies with me, not him or my friends.

Maybe it's really a joke.