I dream therefore I am

Dreaming formed an integral part of my life when I was young.

I still remember the numerous sleepless nights during when I felt imprisoned in the reality, my mind would whirl off into the distant future where I was somebody completely different. That was when I felt liberated and hopeful.

As time went by and the reality zoomed in, I came to compromise with the reality and took whatever I was offered. I seemed to have a choice but actually I felt like a taker rather than a maker of it. And my dream remains a dream.

I did the Psychology degree in CUHK though I wasn't sure that was what I wanted at the beginning. I could have chosen law or journalism or accounting which could give me a more promising career prospect. But somehow, I have to admit, I may have sort of followed the tide. But I didn't hate it anyway.

After that, I did PGDE. Those who have been reading my blog should know why I applied for it and accepted the offer. Again, being a teacher doesn't sound disgusting to me.

Upon graduation, I was offered an GM post from a secondary school towards which I don't have a strong opinion. I was given chance to teach up to F.7 and my contract is renewed one year after another.

Everything looks fine and smooth enough, though not perfect, to a mediocre girl like me. I'm not a risk-taker indeed and I learn to love my choice rather than choose what I love. I could have gone on with my life like this until the day I die.

But when I think of it, I feel scared.

After being in this field for nearly four years, I think it's time for me to seriously think about what I should do with my life. And after all these years having witnessed death and ex-colleagues leaving for their dreams, I'm willing to take risk. It may be a bit late but better late than never.

In fact, what I want to do is simple: I want to pursue my studies overseas. That's what I want to do since I was young.

By the time I finish my master degree, I will have taught in this school for five years and I think it's time for me to take a break and refresh myself. To be frank, I haven't got a concrete plan of what to do after studying overseas. Maybe I will teach again. Who knows. But at this moment, I'm quite determined I will quit next year and do what I have been dreaming of.

When I revealed my plan to my friends, they sort of think that I'm too implusive and should have planned more carefully. After all, I'm not young and it's getting more and more costly for me to start over again.

I have been thinking about that over and over again. I did feel hesitant at times but then I think I don't want to have any more regrets in my life.

I feel like being that little girl lost in thoughts in the dead of the night again except that this time, I'm going to make my dream come true.

草日--非人生活

Let's face it, Fanny.

My parents used to think as a teacher-with relatively stable income and lots of holidays-I am having a comfortable, easy work life. That's why they find my plan of quitting my job unbelievable (and rather unacceptable).

So if even my parents who see me work myself to exhaustion every day think I'm under no stress or experiencing any form of stress-induced malfunctioning, how can I expect the public who base their impression of teachers on their good old school days or the government officials who hide themselves in an ivory tower to understand our situation?

Tragically, understanding comes at a high cost. Despite repeated comments from teachers, not until two teachers committed suicide within a week did the government suddenly realise we are facing backbreaking stress. And more tragically, not until Fanny Law, permanent secretary of EMB and obviously deprived of political wisdom, raised an offensive question (if the education reform is the real cause pushing the two teachers over the edge, why only two of them committed suicide?) did the government allocate billions of dollars overnight on alleviating teacher stress in order to pacify the angry teachers.

And now, even Bishop Zen expressed his concern over this problem; one can see how politically fashionable the issue is.

So, why were there only two teachers committing suicide if the education reform is the real cause?

The fact is different people react to stress in different ways. Some have insomnia, some have depression, some have gastrointestinal disorders, some have suicidal thoughts and among whom some turn those thoughts into action.

If we put all the negative effects of over-stress into a teacher population pyramid, suicide would be placed at the top as it is the most salient, attention-drawing and serious. So now, this very tip of the pyramid came into the spotlight, but Fanny Law was too ignorant to question whether such a small tip is strong enough to conclude that we teachers are really under unbearable stress and failed to notice the rest of the pyramid beneath that very tip.

I don't want to jump to the conclusion that the two teachers committed suicide solely because of work stress or to question whether two teachers are statistically significant enough to prove that education reform was killing them. In fact, the real cause is not important (Can't Fanny Law realise that?). What's more important is, we are really facing debilitating stress and having ever-mounting workload because of ever-changing education policy and that the government should do something about it.

If we are to believe teachers exert life-altering influence on students, how can we teach students to face life positively if we ourselves cannot maintain a healthy mental status?

最痛的地方要用最美麗的方式包紮

叉叉熊躲在暗處哭泣，他的聲音非常微弱，一陣風吹來，就再也聽不見他的傷心了……




叉叉熊從小就是個受虐兒，他渾身是傷，
如果你問他哪裡最痛，他會輕輕摸摸他的心。
但世界上誰沒有受過傷呢？
他堅持最痛的地方要用最美麗的方式包紮。

叉叉熊受傷的時候會躲在最美麗的地方，
想像曾經美好的時光，
頂多流下幾滴晶瑩剔透的淚珠……
然後他會輕輕摸摸他的心。

叉叉熊每天都要寫一封信，
告訴天上的媽媽，他過得有多快樂。
他相信他寫下的快樂，終有一天成真。

叉叉熊在林間散步，
風輕輕吹過，花香四溢，
小鳥在身邊唱歌，他慢慢跳起舞來。
你問他哪裡感到最幸福，
他會輕輕摸摸他的心。

叉叉熊心情沮喪時，喜歡爬到高高的樹上，
對著天空大喊三聲：
「叉叉熊加油！心情加油！宇宙加油！」
當他再低頭時，
他所見的世界的確在一瞬間光明燦爛了起來！

叉叉熊感到難過時，
他會走進森林裡，用力擁抱一棵大樹，
叉叉熊說不出口的哀傷，理不清楚的委屈，
大樹一下子全都懂了。
因為他們的心緊緊貼在一起……

叉叉熊雖然受盡苦難，
他仍相信世界上有真正的幸福，
不管眼前多麼暴烈殘酷，
他總會看到隱藏在背後的祥和與美麗。

叉叉熊的童年佈滿灰暗的恐懼，忘都忘不掉。
繃帶馬卻努力地找尋失落的童年，找都找不回。
有人丟棄，有人珍藏。
有人遺忘，有人難忘。
世界就是這樣……

黑面娃娃也有慘痛的過往，
可是他選擇遺忘。
黑面娃娃嚴肅地對叉叉熊說：
「永遠不要記住悲慘的那一面，
否則悲慘就會一直跟著你。」

球兒寶說：「乖，別哭，我們來跳舞吧！」
叉叉熊舞動著笨拙的身軀，慢慢地搖晃起來。
他那受傷的心也跟著砰砰砰砰地快樂起舞。
他們一起對著星空大聲呼喊：
「虐待小孩的大人去死吧！」
「虐待動物的人去死吧！」
「虐待自己的人也去死吧！」

黃秋秋問叉叉熊：
「你知道哪裡有稍縱即逝的美麗嗎？」
叉叉熊困惑地搖搖頭，又困惑地點點頭，
然後他慢慢地輕撫自己的心……

叉叉熊跟著黃秋秋去找尋轉眼消逝的美麗。
他閉上眼睛努力地回想
曾經短暫出現在他身邊的幸福
想著想著他睡著了，
夢裡的幸福像大雨般地落下，
讓他感到好安全好溫暖……

叉叉熊為自己的受虐感到自責。
微風吹過，對他說：「這不是你的錯。」
玫瑰花開，對他說：「這不是你的錯。」
大樹人溫柔地將他抱起來，認真地對他說：
「不管這世界如何殘酷卑劣地對待你，都不是你的錯。
請你相信，黑暗的背面一定有光……」

叉叉熊溫柔的心輕輕地跳，緩緩地安慰他：
「別怕別怕，為了你，我一定會堅強勇敢規律地跳跳跳。」
叉叉熊的心每天快樂地跳動著……

* * * * * * *

我的心也在告訴我：「我一定會堅強勇敢規律地跳跳跳。」

This is my choice

Christmas holiday is a season of holding supplementary classes. However unwilling I am to go back to school, out of responsibility and tradition, I did have arranged some classes during the holiday.

I had a supplementary class with 7A today. I was really, really disappointed by and angry with their learning attitude. I don't expect a Form 7 class to be that irresponsible and disrespectful. 8 out of 26 of them didn't show up (not to mention a number of those who were late to class) and when I called them to ask why, they gave me crappy reasons like headache, stomachache, diarrhoea... (8 of them got sick at the same time? Don't pull my legs.) And those who turned up thought they were cheated by their 'sick' friends and that they shouldn't have come back to school.

Normally, I would have given them a lecture on appropriate learning attutides, respect and responsibility, and showed them a poker face. And I would have burnt myself in anger as I did last year. But today, when I was about to set myself on fire, my promise of being a happy person popped up on my mind. And at that time, I held back.

It is my own choice whether to make myself happy or not. I told myself to detach from the whole thing and not to spoil my pleasant mood. And I did :)

I know it's just something trivial and when it comes to something big, things would be different. But I think it's a good omen, esp. at the beginning of the year. I am able to keep the promise to myself (that's the most important part^^).

I love myself ^U^.