Look back so as to look forward
Life should be understood backwards.
As 2006 is less than 24 hours away, it's time for me to review my pathetic life in 2005 before I make a new year resolution which I always feel obliged to do at the beginning of each year.
Review 1: Myself
For me, 2005 is a year of darkness. I was constantly plagued by depression and low self image, in particular, hatred for myself. well...I have to admit that I've got a genetic inclination towards depression. It seems that I have always had an air of gloominess since my birth. And I'm never a cheerful, positive girl deep down. Nevertheless, I used to be a strong girl who loves herself.
Experience combined with personality trait becomes destiny. It seems that although I was always occupied with work and deprived of sleep, I could not do reasonably well at work or in my study. I couldn't even take good care of my own emotions. I felt vulnerable than ever; I hate myself.
My appetite is a good indicator of my emotion and it went on a rollar coaster in the past year. In the first half of the year, I tended to overeat; in the second half, I just pecked at my meal for most of the time.
I lost the balance of life.
When I re-read my journal, I was really fed up with this kind of life and the feeling of losing control. I've got to change that. I have to change the destiny. (though I'm clueless of how to do so)
well, despite the depression thing, life goes on as usual. People around me passed away, got married, had babies...
Review 2: Work
To certain extent, I still enjoy my job. It's meaningful and heart-warming to teach. But the work environment is getting hostile.
The wall of trust between the principal and English teachers is cracking. We blame each other for the poor public exam result. Even within the department, there is a deep chasm between English teachers which impedes the launch of new policies and further development. Moreover, the amount of work has never thinned. And I am less tolerate of stupid rules and policies.
Anyway, I know I have to leave the field in the foreseeable future. I just have to wait for the right time-with clear goals and determination-to move on.
Review 3: Study
I don't think I did well in the last semester. To be frank, it's a disaster! I always slept for half a lecture and most importantly, I hate what I studied.
In the coming year, I will try my very best to develop some interest in that discipline.
Review 4: Resolution 2005
ok, let's see how well I accomplished the goals I set last year:
1. Enrol in a Master programme
Done
2. Set foot in Europe
Done ^^
3. Save enough money for overseas study
It seems that I spent more $$$ than the year before... where did my $$$ go???
4. Sit the PSC test of the State Language Commission of China
Can't accomplish that this year and I don't think I can do that in the coming year. My Putonghua sucks.
5. Join the 10km Standard Chartered Marathon
Same as #4. I don't even have time or energy to jog for half an hour every week.
Resolution 2006
It's better to make things simple and accomplish-able this year:
1. Travel to Tibet (if I've got a tripmate) or travel to Japan by myself or both (only if I can assure the contract next year).
2. Fill my blog with more positive thoughts and happy memory no matter how trivial they may seem.
3. Work out at least once a week (no more excuse! ok... except really cold weather :P) .
4. GPA > 3.0
5. Make myself a lovable, caring person (it sounds too general but I decide to keep it on the list so as to remind myself not to get bitchy or edgy as I always do when I don't have enough sleep or when I have periodic emotional upheavel).
In fact, I still have no.6, no.7, no.8... on my mind, but I think it's better for me to stop here. After all, new plans keep springing up throughout the years. But the above are the core ones in 2006.
posted by 燒米餅 @ 12/31/2005 01:07:00 am
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