人。餅。獸。

何謂奇蹟？

2010-04-09T13:57:00.004+08:00

奇蹟是，發生了這麼多人為礦災，死了這麼多人，負責人竟然還安然無恙（為民請命的，卻要被扣上顛覆叛國、煽動暴亂的帽子）。

奇蹟是，發生礦難，礦工被困，竟然有救援。

奇蹟是，發生人為災難，主流媒體竟然有報導。

四年前，澳洲塔斯曼尼亞（Tasmania）發生地震，兩名礦工被困礦坑，被困初期，救援人員鑽了條小管道，為被困礦工送上食水及 iPod。對，是 iPod，連被困也得顧及生活質數。在美國，過去三十年礦難死亡人數，竟不及中國去年礦災死亡人數。如今，山西王家嶺發生煤礦事故，153 個被困礦工中，有115 人被救出，28人罹難，還有13人仍然被困，官方竟然形容是次救援為「偉大奇蹟」。

一切在國外理所當的事來到中國，竟然變成「奇蹟」，還要變得「偉大」。

奇蹟是，一連串的「竟然」。

A brief update - Let the light shine on me

2009-12-05T10:59:00.010+08:00

Been to a research conference in Canberra on 2 awards. Fantastic conference - got a student presentation award and got to know some other research students and academics - but boring city. Am always grateful of the opportunities I've offered here :)

National Convention Centre - where the conference was held

Koko Black - my fav choc cafe

Originated in Melbourne and was surprised to find one in Canberra

The best Hot Dark Choc I've ever tried

City Centre - very, very quiet...

Australian War Memorial

On my way...

Garden next to the War Memorial

See what I saw in the garden :) Wild bunnies!!! They ran away from me when I tried to walked close to them...

Political heart of the nation - the Parliamentary Zone

Parliament House - both new (the one with a flat on top) and old - viewed from the War Memorial

National Gallery of Australia

Old Parliament House

New Parliament House

Random trees...just too many

Sleepless night

2009-11-19T01:29:00.003+08:00

It must be the mocha that I had at the choc cafe tonight. I can still sleep well after glasses of green tea before bed, but I'm just not a coffee person. Now I know what to go for when I need to pull an all-nighter.

Lovely double-choc cookie :) And it's as big as my hand!

Look! They look so cute in the jar...I mean the giant cookie :)

wow...motlen chocolate...

From cyberbullying to group think

2009-09-28T15:37:00.004+08:00

A couple of days ago, a former student of mine sent me this in an attempt to keep me abreast of what’s hot in Hong Kong as if I had nothing better to do. She was also kind enough to educate me about the brief history of the whole media frenzy which turned out to be pathetically entertaining. It seems that the society has already gone past the teenage-booby-model phase and is now going through a post-Kanye West bully-the-villain phase.

It all started with a youtube video posted by a college student with a seemingly wicked intention to tarnish the reputation of a shop which, she believed, cheated its customer by pricing the same product differently in its chain store. In the video she kept bombarding the store manager with her arguments with an air of social justice (just in case you wonder, there’re no F-words) while the store manager tried to pacify her and explained the company policies patiently. Still feeling self-righteous, she posted the video on youtube. To be frank, what’s a better place than the Internet to bully someone – it’s anonymous and with a few clicks hatred spreads faster than flu virus.

How such a boring video caught others’ attention in the first place is beyond normal human intelligence to understand but somehow someone with a seemingly far more boring life stumbled upon it and found it staggeringly offensive and so publicized it with provocative comments on different discussion boards. The snowball rolled from there.

Our binary, dichotomous mind concluded that the bitchy girl in the video is indeed a bitch and villain while the even-tempered manager is the victim. Like pitiful innocent Taylor Swift who was gobsmacked by Kanye’s sudden comment on stage or the tear-stained students from Christian Zheng Sheng College, the store manager quickly has the netizens on his side. Resentment towards the college student’s ruthless behaviours quickly sets in and hatred sprawls in light speed. That’s how karma bounces back and now she’s become the new prey.

Her personal life—her almost complete biography, educational history, her boyfriend’s full name, her pictures chronicled from childhood to the present, etc.—was unfolded on the Internet thanks to a bunch of netizens who care much enough to trace every bit of her personal details on the Internet. She was tracked down by paparazzi and her personal life was covered in full by newspapers. She even made the cover story of a tabloid magazine. Actually, I can’t remember any rapists or pedophiles having attracted such intense hatred. All of a sudden, the society regresses to a gang of nasty, judgmental teenagers who pull out all the means to bully anyone they happen to hate.

That sort of collective, irrational and almost mindless gall scares me. What scares me more, many others find the massive anonymous bullying fun and just drop by and join the party by taking the offense on behalf of a third party and spreading the girl’s personal details and those online pricks with a few clicks; some even leave a few lines of hateful comments as if they themselves were the store manager who was confronted by the college student. And now, even the mainstream media who are supposed to give the voice to the voiceless join in. A corrupted mass media signify the fall of social conscience.

Bullying is a cowardly act and massive anonymous bullying even more so. However, when it is disguised in the name of social justice, people seem to be more than willing to engage in it. This is how groupthink becomes so overwhelming that it dominates our mentality and suppresses individuality.

In an instance, I was confused who is the villain and who is the victim.

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Why am I updating my blog while I should be concentrating on my work? Geeezzzz, I can’t concentrate, not even at night now… I hate that :(

Heaven

2009-09-19T11:19:00.006+08:00

If there’s heaven, I believe it looks more or less like this:

A bunch of kids who are naturally dressed in different skin colours and physiques and who speak the same language but in different accents helping each other towards a common goal.

I was in heaven last week.

I went to a play group observation at a pre-school here as part of my placement duties. Every one of the kids—kids with autism, intellectual disabilities, physical disabilities, different accents—has their own physical and personality characteristics, yet they blend well with each other, sharing fun and cooperating, oblivious to these differences.

It’s such a moving scene to see.

We all have been those little angels. I'm sure even Hitler was once an angelic little boy who played with Jewish kids or adored Jewish girls ni those early years before his traumatized failure to attach to his father turned him into the most infamous racist of all times. However, the sad thing is, at some point of our life we gradually grow up unlearning that sort of acceptance and our innate skills to accommodate differences, instead learning to hate a certain group of people – the obese, the geek, the nerds, the ethnics groups, the immigrants, the rich, the poor just because they’re not our breed. At some point, difference between people, be it political views, sexual orientation, religious beliefs, skin color, accents or fashion sense, has become a threat to us.

That hatred is not inherited but learnt, from us adults: our own prejudice, our unexamined judgments, and our distorted sense of superiority. Our tolerance and acceptance wear and our prejudice grows as we age because we believe we’ve seen enough to generalize and known enough to judge others.

Our inability to handle differences and our desire to colonize our own beliefs find its roots in many conflicts in human history. But history will always repeat itself because we’re too arrogant to realize that deep down we are all the same.

When I looked at the kids, I wished they wouldn't become us in the future—becoming some sort of -ists (as in racist, sexist, sizist...).

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I've won the Travel Award from the conference organizer, yaaaayyyy :) and my conference paper was actually ranked first among the three awardees (one of whom is a PhD student)--my highlight of the week despite getting drown in tides of work and failing to keep my thesis work on track. Now here comes the problem, how am I gonna splash ALL the awards $$$ on that trip to Canberra...

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唔...為甚麼最近寫的日記都是那種老生常談的想法，毫無個性可言...

The instant generation

2009-08-30T14:10:00.004+08:00

My thesis supervisor is an email person. Our first correspondence started with me emailing her arranging an appointment at 7-ish one Monday morning and she replying me in less than 5 minutes. It was not a coincidence. In fact, she’s like constantly on email and if you can’t hear from her 12 hours after an email (even if you email her at 1am on Sunday), you can assume that something has gone really wrong and you’d better call the police to see if she’s well.

And now my new placement supervisor is an iPhone-cum-email person. She once sent me an identical email twice within 60 hours. She must have thought the first email may have lost in cyberspace for some reason as she emailed me on a Friday afternoon and didn’t hear from me on Monday and so resent it. My fault—I don’t always check my student email on weekends. But now I do.

When I still worked full-time in Hong Kong, I checked my work email quite frequently – while I was at work and off work. Still I couldn’t guarantee a prompt reply (like within 24 hours). Now having two supervisors of the same breed, I have to convert myself.

The availability of cheap Internet service and the launch of all those fancy gadgets like iPhone and Blackberry have bred a new generation of human beings – the instant generation. Those who are under 30 but don’t even have an email or a mobile phone are like social outcasts who refuse to live in the modern world.

They have to receive gratification/response instantly and their attention span is comparable to a 10-year-old’s who doesn’t have the patience to read more than 160 characters without being distracted. The best way to irritate this breed is to make them wait replacing their gadgets with novels—books that you have to hold and turn the pages manually (sorry, no pictures). A life without the Internet or a mobile phone? It’s not life at all.

For this generation, managing their personal and social life when they’re on the go is like piloting a spaceship. They need to make sure their iPod is playing the right holiday-moody-classic-boyband list but not the gloomy-worklife-heavy-metal-90s list. They tweet from time to time (e.g. @cool_gal2009 taking bus 2 MK 2 c friends or @cool_gal2009 now@MK w/ friends or @cool_gal2009 having choco icecream) as their friends obviously want to know what exactly they’re doing at the moment. Then they may want to reply the msn messages flashing on their phone screen asking them what they’re doing and they really want to redirect their techno-dummy friends to Twitter. While waiting in a queue to pay for their T-shirt at H&M, they may want to comment on their friends’ photos on Facebook and like a few photos and status updates. They're sure their Facebook friends can't wait to see their new T-shirt and what they have for lunch so they decide to take a few snapshots and upload them to Facebook. There’re a few sms messages to reply single-fingeredly as well. Feeling bored? Their PSP can no doubt keep them occupied. Their friends who are physically with them at the moment? Don’t worry, they’re doing exactly the same thing.

These forms of e-communication have actually put off some primitive yet crucial form of communication. Maintaining friendship has been reduced to mass-sending hugs and kisses with a click and dumping your boyfriends or girlfriends is made easy by changing your relationship status on Facebook – thank God you don’t even need a personalized sms and everyone including your now ex knows that. You feel wanted all the time like you have lots of friends.

However, in reality, we don’t make friends like we do on Facebook. We spend less and less quality quiet time with our friends, family and ourselves—and truly ourselves alone. We become a generation with less patience, shorter attention span, more intense self insecurity and higher intolerance of solitude (which merely means being alone).

Like nuclear technology, communication technology is a two-edged sword. It’s cliché I know, but the question remains whether we can handle something which can potentially kill the essence of humanity.

Keep up with the Jones – so as to stay normal

2009-08-30T13:49:00.004+08:00

The definition of normalcy is culturally, geographically and temporally specific. But statistically speaking, 82.2% of the population falls into the normal range. As an acid test, if you’re doing what the 82.2% of the population within your group or community is doing, you can safely claim yourself as normal. That’s why believing that the Earth is a globe but not a giant flat piece of land was regarded as abnormal in the Dark Age. So was not wearing bell-bottom pants in the 70s.

Although we may look up to those glamorous, wealthy celebrities whose omnipresence makes us feel sick about ourselves, deep down all of us just want to be normal. But even so, staying in mainstream is getting harder.

Now not having a mobile phone or an msn/Facebook/Twitter is like not having a color TV or a landline 30 years ago. It doesn’t matter whether you actually use those things, like a Plasma TV, you just need to have them to stay in the mainstream. Those who choose not to have a mobile phone belong to the same category as those who refuse to send their kids to schools—they are on either end of the cool-uncool continuum.

When a certain breed becomes the majority, the pariah becomes social outcasts unless they follow the tides. No, you won’t be dumped into that category right away. First, you’re just uncool, then you’re one of those weirdoes, next you’re an outcast or, if you’re lucky, a genius or the coolest guy/chick in your town (but people won’t know that after you’re dead for a few decades). So in 30 years, these groups of people will belong to the social outcast/weirdo/minority groups:

1. Those who age naturally and gracefully without using Botox or whatever beauty injections
2. Those who are not cooks but can cook
3. Those who can spell correctly without using a word processor or write correct Chinese words without using any Chinese input systems
4. Those who can tell you the radical of a Chinese character correctly or those who know how to use a Chinese dictionary
5. Those who mainly get their news from the paper form of newspaper
6. Those who pay for a newspaper
7. Those who smoke (and still think it’s the coolest vice they’ve ever picked up)
8. Those who don’t understand what "gr8 cu l8r m8" or "ne1 no wer v mit 2day" means
9. Those who wrote snail mails—by writing, I really mean holding a pen and literally writing

Even staying in the mainstream doesn’t sound as effortless as before. What’s worse, when the majority in the community is getting dumber, you have to choose between being normal and being sane. Although it sounds a simple wish to be normal—to be like just everyone else, sometimes it’s easier to be weird but sane than normal but dumb.

Innocence - Avril Lavigne

2009-08-19T15:20:00.010+08:00

Waking up I see that everything is ok

The first time in my life and now it's so great

Slowing down I look around and I am so amazed

I think about the little things that make life great

I wouldn't change a thing about it

This is the best feeling

This innocence is brilliant

I hope that it will stay

This moment is perfect

please don't go away

I need you now

And I'll hold on to it

don't you let it pass you by

I found a place so safe not a single tear

The first time in my life and now it's so clear

Feel calm I belong I'm so happy here

It's so strong and now I let myself be sincere

I wouldn't change a thing about it

This is the best feeling

This innocence is brilliant

I hope that it will stay

This moment is perfect

please don't go away

I need you now

And I'll hold on to it

don't you let it pass you by

It's the state of bliss you think you're dreaming

It's the happiness inside that you're feeling

It's so beautiful it makes you wanna cry

It's so beautiful it makes you want to cry

This innocence is brilliant (It makes you want to cry)
This innocence is brilliant

Please don't go away 'cause I need you now
And I'll hold on to it
Don't you let it pass you by
It's so beautiful it makes you want to cry

This innocence is brilliant (It's so beautiful)

I hope that it will stay (It's so beautiful)

This moment is perfect

Please don't go away

I need you now and I'll hold on to it (It makes me want to cry)

Don't you let it pass you by

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My iPod therapy be completed without a stroll in the neighbourhood :)

Very brief update

2009-07-19T17:54:00.007+08:00

I went to Mornington Peninsula doing some work for my supervisor and she took me to a cafe overlooking the beach. So here comes the photo time...

A very chilly, cloudy day - but it didn't stop people from hitting the beach :)

Pancake Pancake Pancake for lunch! la la la - Did I mention it's warm? :)

A cosy cafe with a fireplace - should have taken a shot of that as well

oh, this pic has nothing to do with my Mornington trip. I took it from my own place one day after rain. You know winter here is also the rainy season, which makes winter more freezing than the actual temperature. But the nice thing about raining is, apart from lifting the water reserve, you can spot a rainbowly rainbow afterwards most of the time.

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Hey I've got good news! ooops, is that the first time I break any good news here? On my blog? Hmmmm... anyway, I just got the Faculty Publication Award which covers all the cost for me to attend a 5-day conference in Canberra in late Nov. Okay, it's Canberra. And it's a conference. *eyes rolling* But it's frrrreeeeeee - and I'm going to splash all of their money :)

How much I miss a real summer ^^

Parent Stupidity

2009-07-15T22:02:00.006+08:00

I wasn’t surprised when I read this or this. I mean, I would be surprised if that girl really got pregnant by a stray sperm swimming in chlorinated pool water. It’s like contracting AIDS through breathing. She would be the second human being in history, the first one being Virgin Mary, who got conceived without any sexual intercourse (or surrogacy or whatever, you get the idea). I would be surprised too if a teenage girl could actually fall asleep while her face being tattooed (was she stoned or something?). What doesn’t surprise me is parent stupidity.

If you have been a teacher long enough, the chance is you would have encountered at least one of those parents who believe whatever crap their children dish out. Don’t get me wrong, trust is highly valuable; it is the bedrock of any relationship. But there is a very fine line between unconditional trust and dumbness. I’ve lost count of the number of times parents told me how angelic and naïve their kids are, even when they were given hard evidence how their kids bullied others or cheated at school. To these parents, the whole school including all teachers and students pick on their kids as if it is the only one thing that unites the whole school.

If their stupidity ends there, that’s fine. Parenting isn’t always effective anyway. And deep down I always admire the sort of loyalty and faith these parents have in their kids despite the occasional misjudgment they may have. On reflection, I doubt I could blindly believe my kids (not that I have any) and defense them like these people and that really challenges my suitability of being a parent. Moreover, I lied to my parents when I was a kid as well. Sometimes I could get away with it, sometimes I couldn’t. I mean, doesn't everyone do the same thing?

However when these parents start suing people like those in the news, it’s another story. I’ve seen parents staging the whole crying stunt in the media or making the accusation to Department of Education just because their kids were, in their view, unfairly treated (like being failed or given a demerit for a “minor” offense or suspended from classes or given too much homework). The current education system in Hong Kong has put schools in a very vulnerable position that school principals almost bow to parents and students in order to stay away from negative publicity and ensure a steady flow of enrolment. A parent’s letter is almost like a get-out-of-jail-free card for students to excuse themselves from Physical Education lessons (no, kids in Hong Kong don’t like PE lessons even if they like sports), unfavourable school events, drug tests or excursion.

And you wonder why kids don’t learn to respect others these days.

I don’t want to sound like I’m putting all the blame on parents as I do admire those parents who always offer the best to their kids and never give up on them even when the system/world fails them. However, unconditional affection and trust do not automatically translate into submissiveness. And sometimes, parents with a clear, sane mind can help their kids learn about their mistake before they repeat it when they grow up. They can’t always get away with it – better learn that sooner than later.

If you're in any doubt, the best thing to do is to follow your common sense as it works 99% of the times. If you tragically are one of those who are not blessed with any, just bear in mind that you don't come across X-file type of incidents that often - they are just over-represented in the media.

We are all Narcissus deep down.

2009-07-11T11:55:00.012+08:00

Have you ever before met that egocentric person who always subconsciously steers the conversation to him-/herself? Like when I mentioned it’s depressingly freezing here in Melbourne they would immediately respond that it’s sweltering in Hong Kong. And when I said I felt sleepy as I woke up early on a wintery morning to commute to Mornington, the egocentric would say it’s routine for them to wake up early for work and only sleep for a few hours. When I said I have established a lot in Hong Kong they would reflect that they have done the same things in Melbourne and so would not contemplate going back to Hong Kong. And when I said I was tired they would launch into a detailed account of how they "out-tired" me.

That is not sharing or an exchange of words. It’s just a monologue.

That sense of self preoccupation is no secret to us yet remains an evolutionary mystery (at least to me!) in a highly socialized community where race survival partly hinges on communication. But now I’m puzzled, is understanding or a two-way communication essential to human evolution or existence or is it just some luxurious concept that happens to pop up in some modern human societies where hunger and warmth are no longer pressing issues?

We all too conveniently use our own experience as a yardstick for measuring others’ happiness, problems, distress, and simply, life. That’s why we are programmed to compare, using ourselves as the baseline.

We never know how well or crappy we fare until we compare ourselves against others. That sense of comparison is innate in human nature. That’s why we succumb to peer pressures when we are young and social pressure as we grow old. While suckers are often encouraged to compare themselves against those living in the Third World or the most deprived spots on earth or this, such kind of comparison can be quite pathetic sometimes as our self-esteem and life satisfaction tends to build on others’ misfortune.

While downward social comparison makes us feel happy and protects our ego, upward social comparison keeps our society in an upward swirl of material development or achievement (that’s how that freaky Guinness World Records thingy comes into existence - though I can never make out whether it's for upward or downward comparison). Think the building next country is higher than ours? Build an even higher one!

It seems that comparison, both upward and downward, alone can make us happy and motivated and keep our society advancing materially. Maybe that’s why we’re all Narcissus by default; that we perceive the world in our own biased way without knowing that there's a blind spot in our view; and that what we see in others is just a reflection of our own ego. So where does understanding and empathy come into play? They seem to be learned skills though not many people pick up a lot along the way.

The best way to update a blog when you have no time to write is…

2009-07-09T14:09:00.008+08:00

...to upload photos. To be frank, people actually linger longer on a photo post than a wordy one as I have been repeatedly told that there’s too much English for them to digest. We’re all visual beings in this age of short attention span when speed is everything and our brain can no longer process too many words. I can’t help wondering how many people do read through what I’ve written instead of the blog titles. Anyway, writing a blog is more for fulfilling my Narcissist urge than getting readership… alright alright, I really should stop myself from launching into another long-winded wordy post before you click away.

So yesterday I spent a sunny late winter afternoon at Brighton Beach.

It's winter :)

A peaceful afternoon

A long line of colorful bath boxes facing the beach

More to go...

And more...

A cloudless day

They are numbered.

The sun was setting.

The golden ray was splashed on the boxes.

Sunset with a lonesome silhouette...a bit cliche but still lovely

The sky was a lovely color when I left.

"Life finds its way"

2009-06-14T19:10:00.004+08:00

I don’t normally identify myself as a communist hater. In fact, I’m fascinated by the original idea of communism put forth by Karl Marx and the egalitarian society as depicted in The Republic by Plato, both of who described a utopia where good people can live happily ever after, ignoring all the innate personality flaws that are bound to exist in the human race. But then, casting a glance at the existing communist regimes will never fail to provoke anger and disappointment as it has become an excuse for totalitarianism and dictatorship.

I’ve been hinging the hope of breaking the political status quo in Orwellian regimes like China on Web 2.0 which facilitates internet activism and demonstrates the power of lay bloggers, citizen journalists, amateur photographers and twitters during Saffron Revolution in Burma in 2007. In the past, all the authoritarian regimes need to do to control information flow and perpetuate their propaganda was to control mass media outlets – easy. However, the proliferation of the Internet has cracked open a window through which the world can peek into the once mysterious communist countries and at the same time allowed insiders to tell their stories from a citizen’s perspective. It makes hiding the truth and suppressing political opposition or religious freedom much harder for the authoritarian governments.

While the Burmese military junta did disable all international mobile phone connections and black out Internet access to curb the information flow during the Saffron Revolution (though there’re people who could find ways to circumvent these restrictions), a total information blockade does not sound like an easy option for a rising superpower like China which growing economy is partly fuelled by ever-advancing communication technologies.

Further to Google’s previous bow to China’s Internet surveillance and the launch of Golden Shield Project, China has stepped up its effort to control the information that can be accessed online by requiring an Internet filtering software to be installed in every computer sold in the country. Although the government justified the policy by claiming that it comes as a result of demands from parents and experts to filter the violence and pornography, call me a conspiracist, that software filters more than that (a newspaper report says it blocks Garfield the Cat - surely he must be a very violent cat considering the way he bullies Odie). How can you trust a government who doesn’t ban public smoking or underage drinking or KFC fried chicken which put our next generation’s physical health in jeopardy but filters violence and pornography online because it affects their psychological well-being?

But then, like gLite programme which allows users to access websites blocked by the Burmese junta, life will find a way in China. It always does.

The Two Things Game

2009-06-09T19:28:00.003+08:00

Some time ago I read an article from a blog that I visit regularly about the two things you need to know about everything. The idea goes that there’re only two things you need to know about everything; the rest is just elaboration. I’m pretty impressed by the examples given on that blog and, as I’ve been pretty slow in updating, I borrowed that idea and developed my short list of the two things about psychology:

Psychology:
1. Nature predisposes an array of potentials.
2. Nurture either maximizes or trivializes them.

Cognitive therapy:
1. Perception is more important than reality.
2. There is no such thing as reality.

Psychoanalysis:
1. All human are sexual beings.
2. Nah, you don’t know that because it’s all in your unconscious.

Behavioural therapy:
1. Reinforce the positive behaviours.
2. Ignore the negative ones.

Evolutionary psychology:
1. What didn’t kill our ancestors makes us stronger.
2. Nature always trims the weakest link.

Being a counsellor:
1. Ask questions.
2. Listen and nod. Repeat #1.

Systematic desensitization:
1. Relax. Take it easy.
2. Take a small step forward every time.

Gender role stereotype:
1. Men are hunters.
2. Women are gatherers.

Being an educational psychologist in Hong Kong:
1. Give a diagnosis.
2. Make a referral.

Qualitative research:
1. Break the target behaviours into observable, measurable units.
2. No SPSS involved.

Quantitative research:
1. Does something happen by chance?
2. Or does it happen by choice (i.e. attributable to a specific factor)?

No, don’t take these seriously :) As the original writer points out,
1. People love to play the Two Things but they rarely agree about what the Two Things are.
2. That goes double for anyone who works with computers.

It's autumn

2009-05-24T14:07:00.003+08:00

My placement supervisor was so nice that she took me to a national garden after I helped her at her private practice one morning. I didn’t take my camera with me but we saw a guy clicking away with his professional looking camera. So my supervisor asked him to take a photo for us :) He sent us our photos plus a nice postcard picture he took there.

I'm really glad that I've met some really nice people at my placement.

Understanding

2009-05-24T13:58:00.005+08:00

Last week, I had a conversation with the speech pathologist regarding a young client with normal intelligence but suspected Autism.

Me: So how was the assessment? Any problems with his pragmatics?

Pathologist: Well, I did TOPS on him and he has a lot of difficulty reading others’ emotions. When I asked him how the person in the picture would feel, he was clueless. However, if I placed him in the hypothetical situation and rephrased the question like: if YOU were the child in the picture, being very sick in bed, how would YOU feel? He managed to give me the appropriate answer.

Me: Seems that he has problems thinking from others’ perspectives and comprehending others’ emotional responses. How old should a child be expected to think that way?

Pathologist: The test is for children older than 6. So at least kids older than that should be able to understand how others feel in certain situations to certain extent. Kids younger than that should have developed some understanding of what others think and feel in a given context.

That young client was later diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder, given other assessment results and behavioural observation. To this group of people, comprehending social situations, understanding social cues and reading others’ emotions are particularly difficult and have to be taught.

We are born social beings. Nevertheless, while understanding others’ perspectives is innate to many, not everyone can quite refine that nature and advance it throughout their lifespan. I had a conversation with a good friend of mine who complained about not being understood by another friend of hers. What she said was strikingly similar to the conversation I had with the speech pathologist:

“(telling me how Friend#1 did not understand her feelings)… I was so angry that I called Friend#2 up and told her what happened. She was like: okay…um…right. She wasn’t seem to get my point, so I wracked my brain to think of a hypothetically similar situation to demonstrate how I felt, using her and her personal experience as an example. And all of a sudden she knew what I meant! She was so angry with Friend#1 too…"

It seems that we stop developing our understanding towards others after we have reached the minimal level that gets us out of a label of Autism or other developmental delays. How much have we seemingly normal beings complained, or been complained, about not being understood?

There are different levels of understanding and here is my own categorization.

Level 1: Those who don’t even understand themselves or get in touch with their own feelings.

While it’s nature for us to laugh when we feel happy and weep when sad, those who fall into this category know they’re happy when they laugh and sad when they weep. Sometimes they may have problems comprehending their own feelings, let alone others', and mistake anger as misery for example. Their brains work like a mis-wired circuit.

Level 2: Those who live in their own cocoon of emotional world and do not realize that others may have a different emotional response than theirs.

They aren't aware of others’ perspectives as they believe their own perception of the world is absolute truth. They don’t believe there exists another way of understanding because their own experience reigns. They can’t imagine another emotional territory.

Level 3: Those who are in touch with their own feelings and can put themselves into others’ shoes when it comes to similar situations.

This group of people think introspectively and understand how an external stimulus triggers their own emotional response and thinking. They can empathize with those who have similar experience or background as theirs.

Level 4: Those who are in touch with their own feelings and can extend their own understanding beyond their own experience.

This group of people are sensitive to their and others’ feelings. They have very strong imaginative skills and understanding that they can put themselves into others’ situation even though they have never experienced that before. Although they cannot completely understand others’ feelings towards a specific event, they respect them and empathize with others.

Level 1 is maladaptive while Level 4 is expected from a counsellor. As for me, I think I’m somewhere between Level 2 and Level 3 and trying to stay in the Level 3. I’m still developing my understanding as we all are. As the old saying goes: use it or lose it.

Mandarin is the new English

2009-04-18T22:19:00.006+08:00

Thanks to the massive colonization plans by the UK during the Colonial Era and the era of New Imperialism and the US as a rising superpower after WWII, English has been a global lingua franca, or simply a dominant international language, for decades and the English speaking population has been gaining influence over economic, scientific, political, cultural and social developments.

While the native English speakers can remain smugly monolingual for a century (has learning a second language been more than just a hobby to them?), assuming the rest of the non-English speaking population will learn their mother tongue and fit in their world, the tides have changed with the economies crumbling in most, if not all, English-speaking countries. China, though affected by the global depression, is still enjoying positive economic growth. Suddenly, the Communist nation who was once scoffed at by others has transformed into a blue-eyed kid whom every Capitalist cool kid wants to befriend post-Cold War. And of course, if you can’t make yourself a Communist like North Korea or a military junta like Burma or Fiji, at least you should be able to speak his language to win his heart (or money).

Now, it’s the native Mandarin speakers who can enjoy the privilege of monolinguals.

Like all the blondes in Asian countries being assumed English speakers and thus targets of real life spoken English practice, I, having a Chinese appearance, am always approached by native Mandarin speakers who assume that I speak their mother tongue. They always came up to me and, without warning, started talking to me in Mandarin right away. And did I mention that I’m in Australia? I may as well be ABC, BBC, CBC (whatsoever-BC), Japanese, Korean, Vietnamese, Indonesian, you name it. (Hmm...did my Columbia blazer or my Nike trainers give my nationality away?)

Moreover, since my supervisor somehow has an impression that I can speak Mandarin (which is not entirely false but not exactly true), she started referring all those Mandarin speaking clients to me. And my Mandarin being better than their English (which actually isn’t any), Mandarin has become the main tool of communication. Wondering why those who can’t speak survival English can immigrate to Australia (I’m not referring to asylum seekers of course)? Money is another international language.

My friend always jokes that people come to Australia to learn English while I come here to learn Mandarin. To be frank, I speak more Mandarin than I was in Hong Kong.

Whether it’s Mandarin or English that is dominating the world, as a Hong Kong-born native Cantonese speaker, mastering a second or n-th language has become a fabric of life. It is a life skill that we all have to pick up since we’re young. I’ve seen many bright kids who unfortunately aren’t blessed with the English sense fail to make it to college, despite excellent Chinese language skills and sound subject knowledge. How many life chances have they missed just because their second language is good enough for basic communication but not good enough for them to handle tertiary studies?

Language and economic power are interwined. However the tides turn, we are still the minority - both in terms of language, politics and economy. (though from time to time, I do indulge in an imagination in which Cantonese, along with traditional Chinese writing system, is the dominant international language and everyone around the world adores the standard Hong Kong accent and tries their best to imitate us. Life would be much easier then.)

On destiny and choice

2009-03-22T14:31:00.009+08:00

I'm not sure if it's because my life has been so far reasonably smooth or I've got a strong sense of destiny, I don't believe in a wrong choice. I mean, if there's a master plan for each one of us (though not a Christian version of master plan I'm referring to), there's not much room for free will and thus a wrong decision. I know it's irrational, coz somehow I do believe in free will as well (what's the point of living if we're just acting out what's prescribed). It's one of the irrationalities that lies within me that I don't want to challenge.

At one point, the sense of destiny pulls me through adversities and cushions my ego against failures. At another, I want to believe that I do choose my life to protect my dignity and superiority of having a free will. Afterall, I myself construct my own religion and I don't mind the contrast or imperfection embedded in it.

Like everyone else, sometimes I do ponder on the alternative track of life. I mean, the if-version of a parallel life. But deep down I know I don't believe in that: something is meant to happen; something isn't.

That's why human desicion-making can be a science - even making a choice between CocaCola and Pepsi at a supermarket involves complicated information processing activates different areas of the brain pre-wired with past experience and beliefs.

Very often, choices come as packages like those gift bags in a cosmetics shop, just that you can't buy each item separately at a higher price (all or nothing!) and that you can only buy one package. And a package choice is more difficult to make. You have to weigh the packages both item by item and as a whole. And when affection intertwines with aspiration and materials, it's even harder.

The stupid thing is, even though I don't believe in a wrong choice, I am afraid of making one. When I detach myself and view my life from a distance, I can see the plan. But now that I'm at the crossroads, the fear and frustration is so real.

There're both destiny and choice, and one leads to the other. Together they form an upward spiral of life.

At this moment I'm lingering at the crossroads, at the same time weighing packages and waiting for signs of a turning point.

A dish of random thoughts

2009-03-18T13:22:00.007+08:00

RSPCA Open Day

It looks so silly!

A late afternoon at St Kilda

The sea was sparkling blue.

*************************************************************

Is it cool to claim oneself less of what they are? Or is it a better way to belittle others by belittling oneself?

There are more and more extroverts or sociable people announcing to me that they’re actually sorta loners and quiet and not being able to handle social situations and people very well. And, did I mention that they say it to me?

It’s like a size 0 telling a size 8 that she’s too fat for that pair of skinny jeans, that her thighs look huge, and that she no doubt has to be on diet despite the fact that she pecks on her food.

Does it make people feel more superior to be the most sociable among those social handicaps? It’s the category of personality I find shelter in and now those extroverts and the sociable retreat themselves there and drive me to the peripheral of that shelter. So what am I now?

************************************************************

I’ve long passed the phase of life in which new social ties blossom and entered a socially dormant phase in which the rate of coming across familiar faces surpasses the rate of meeting new people. To put it simply, I’m now recycling people in my life. And the interesting thing is, those who somehow pop into my life again are always those who sorta pursue me. It happens so often that I'm convinced it's hardly coincidence. I’m not being cynical but just a bit curious: did they not see me when we first met? Or we’re now the remaining singletons in the ever-shrinking dating game and so I’m more visible?

************************************************************

The more I’m in a hospital setting, the more I feel blessed for being physically, mentally and intellectually normal. There’re just so many things that can go wrong.

************************************************************

I experienced the first earthquake here in Melbourne just a week ago. It measured 4.6 on the Richter scale though there’re no reports of damage or causalities. The house wobbled for seconds while my mind was still comprehending the situation. Never did I expect an earthquake in Australia. My post-hoc shock has shown me how unprepared I, a city dweller who has been living a blessed life in the middle of the Eurasian plate, am to this sort of natural disaster. Luckily, it came no more than a rocking sensation.

oh...just when I'm blogging on this, another aftershock struck. The house rocked for a couple of seconds. A 4.5 this time...

************************************************************

I've never imagined that my limited Mandarin has come in handy to me in my placement. With quite a number of Mandarin-speaking clients who speak limited English, I've sorta become a language aid (not really an interpreter as there's interpreter service at the hospital but then I can still help here and there) when it comes to assessment, diagnostic interviews and feedback to caregivers. My supervisor came to believe that I'm a fluent Mandarin speaker but deep down I just know how crappy my Mandarin is. Now I'll try to work on my Mandarin when I know a Mandarin-speaking client is coming in.

One Nation, One Dream

2009-02-25T15:37:00.007+08:00

I was flush with boiling (but impotent) anger and disappointment when I read the news about donations for the Sichuan earthquake being embezzled by local authorities and not being able to reach the needy. It happened before; and now it happens again after all those promises from the central government of helping the victims. Dimmit.

And what? There are now fake eggs on market? Doesn’t this invention involve lots of R&D that actually outweighs the few cents that can be ripped off from selling a real egg instead?

Some old stuff that I wrote last year came to my mind:

From the Olympic Games to the milk scare; from the space walk to the Sichuan Earthquake

For China, it is a year of national glories and international scandals.

The whole nation erupted in cheers when we joined the United States and Russia in the exclusive club of space nations and held the most expensive Olympic Games in history.

The day after the Beijing Olympic opening extravaganza, the photograph of Lin who sang Ode To The Motherland with a toothy smiley face splattered the front page of many newspapers, including New York Times.

It was meant to be a touching moment -- our hope of the future radiating in the glare of the world.

However, if you look at the opening ceremony closely, it is no more than a reflection of a typical shelf of food in a local grocery store: the stuff look fabulously food-like, just that they aren’t food-like enough to be consumed.

The girl singing in a sweet voice?

Fake. The voice belongs to another little girl with a chubby face and crooked teeth who was dropped from the opening ceremony in the national interest.

The children from 56 Chinese ethnic groups clustering around the Chinese national flag, demonstrating national unity as claimed by the official guide?

Fake. All of them were Han Chinese who is both culturally and politically dominant.

A breathtaking series of firework footprints across Beijing as shown on TV?

Fake. They were either computer-generated or pre-recorded though the authority insisted they were real.

The lip-syncing little girl has mirrored the prevailing cultural values in China: glamour and face is everything. It hurts when the Olympic Games was hosted like a scene in Disneyland, yet it hurts further when it is where our country is heading to.

We are drunk by our technological advancement and the pride of being a rising superpower. We are proud of being the host of the Olympic Games and our space missions because they demonstrate our new power.

Yet, not a word of social development or social values has been mentioned.

While the Olympic success and the space walk stirred up ecstasy across the country, two tragedies—Sichuan earthquake and the contaminated milk—hit home.

Although the Sichuan earthquake was a natural disaster, it was made worse by selfishness and greed. The shoddy construction of schools in Sichuan has unfolded the twisted gap between average life on earth and the glory on Moon.

What connects the flimsy schools in Sichuan province and the milk scare is the worst, but sadly common, type of partnership in China—corruption. Corporations have money; the government has power, and each of both has what the other wants.

What’s worse, the strict control of information flow makes such partnership unbreakable. If one is aware of how those comments regarding the lip-sync sandals are wiped from the chatrooms and websites hosted in Mainland China, one can expect similar handling of human beings in reality. Indeed, the Information Center for Human Rights and Democracy has reported that Zeng Hongling, a retired teacher, was detained after she criticized the shoddy school construction on a U.S.-based Chinese website. As for Chen Qigang who disclosed the lip-synching practice at the Olympic opening ceremony to the public…well, if you are wondering what I was wondering, here is the answer: Chen is actually a French citizen (an additional reason to love France).

Thinking that the milk scare is uncovered by someone who dares to challenge the authorities or corporations in Mainland China? Actually, the Sanlu group was aware of cases of babies having kidney problems as early as March and knew that its products were contaminated in early August. However, it was the New Zealand government who informed Beijing about the contamination of infant milk powder, leapfrogging provincial officials, after being told by Fonterra, the New Zealand shareholder of Sanlu, that the baby formula was contaminated with melamine.

Who can really enjoy the fruit of the booming economy of China? While the nation cheers for the success of the Olympic Games and the space walk; while we’re all blinded by our new found financial and political power and influence, who cares about those who are living in the shadow of such glamour; those who are exploited by those corporations who reap the benefits of economic boom but don’t even deliver what they are supposed to?

On the contrary of the glamorous image of the little girl who lip-synced in the Olympics opening ceremony, sadly and ironically, it is our new generation who is suffering.

We have been trying so hard to impress. We are desperate to show the world that we have risen from the ashes and the wounds of the Cultural Revolution like a phoenix. We want the world to look at our new ego being dressed in state-of-the-art infrastructures and technological breakthroughs.

However, we have gone the wrong way. For every step forward, there seems to be two steps backward.

There is still a long way to go before we can really cheer for our accomplishments in social development. It is this one dream that our nation dreams.

Dusk near my place

2009-02-18T18:34:00.005+08:00

It suddenly dawned on me that I may not be coming back to this city a long time after I have finished my course this year and I feel the urge to capture some nice scenes here. However, I lost my digital camera charger! I'm not sure whether I left it in Hong Kong (my sister told me it wasn't there) or lost it in my room (it was nowhere to be seen!). So now I have to be very conservative when I use my DC. I hope that the battery can last until the charger pops up somewhere.

Anguish in the air

2009-02-15T20:37:00.005+08:00

The sky has been a bit misty these days. The wind direction has changed again and brought the shower of ashes that the firestorm cooked up to the south where I stay. The smell of burning bushes and flesh has been filling the air. It is just too horrifying to imagine what the ashes once were and suddenly they all come so close to me, enveloping me in the acrid smell of misery and terror, right in the air I was inhaling into my body. The red moon hung low in the sky last night as if it were mourning for the woes.

The blazes are still raging and a few are yet to be contained. Newspapers and national websites are splashed with stories of the survived, the perished and the heroes, and investigations over suspected arson. Disasters are always made worse by a few derailed minds, yet they unite people as the human race. There is sorrow and anger, but there is also hope.

As the Valentine’s Day wears on, I hope we all can feel the love around us, or better, love those around us.

******************************************************
The slippery slope

Statistically speaking, 82.2% of the population falls into the normal range. That means there are people bound to be abnormal, either in the upper ends or the lower ones. Yet, I wonder how many people fall in the normal range in ALL aspects of life—the very normal of the already normal.

This is an era of psychological pathology. The DSM is getting thicker with a diversity of freshly termed disorders which render everyone abnormal to certain extent. If there are those who fall into this the-very-normal-of-the-normal category, it is actually rather abnormal and should deserve a fancy label of disorder (say the Stepford Wife Syndrome? um...maybe not; it's too sexist). Although statistics rarity is not usually the sole diagnostic factor, it makes a clinician more comfortable of dispensing a label. It seems to have desensitized our sense of abnormality and created a slippery slope for psychological diagnosis.

Last week, I encountered a case in which a boy was having problems establishing social ties with his peers at school but got on fine with his mates in Scouts and his same-age cousins. His mum took him to a psychologist who has given him a diagnosis of Asperger Syndrome but wanted to seek a second opinion from our team that consists of paediatricians, psychologists and speech pathologists.

He did fine in cognitive assessment and social language assessment. In fact, he could converse naturally with a stranger like me on daily topics with appropriate eye contact. Yet, the diagnosis of Asperger Syndrome was reconfirmed by the team because his cognitive profile shows uneven development (though he scored normal in all domains) and he has specific interests like Star War. I’m still new in this field but I’m really uncomfortable with the diagnosis.

Asperger Syndrome is a lifelong condition and signifies severe social impairment. Yet is that possible that the boy is just having episodic problems with his peers at school? Or is it that his peers are being too harsh on him? There were always one or two students in every class who were being picked on by others when I was in primary and secondary schools and when I taught in a secondary school. Everybody knows kids at primary schools and secondary schools can’t tolerate much difference in interests or even personality. Conformity is the ticket to socialization in primary school and high school. As long as those different ones can make their way to university, they will know it is a place more tolerate, if not appreciative, of individual differences and distinct personalities.

The boy may not be very good at social skills or having small talks, but Asperger? He is not engaging excessively in his interest. He doesn’t take metaphors literally either. Uneven cognitive development (which is a statistics rarity) may constitute a concern but not a problem. So now being different is actually a disorder?

And isn’t it ironic that parents bring their kids to psychologists for answers when their kids are not getting on well with their peers at school? Shouldn’t parents talk with their kids and tell them how to be good friends and appreciate the uniqueness of themselves like parents in the past did? Somehow a label detaches parents’, teachers’, peer’s or even the kids/teenagers’ responsibilities over their own problems or difficulties as it is the disorder doing the evil.

If I had thought like a professional psychologist, I would have gone along with others on the team. But then I’m still too layman.

I realize there are kids who encounter severe social difficulties because of the way they perceive language and interpret social situations. And in that case, these kids need intervention and a label can help them understand themselves better. But sometimes we overinterpret a difficulty that almost every kid encounters in a normal course of development.

The more I encounter similar cases, the more I suspect myself having Asperger Syndrome.

P.S. I do think many otaku have Asperger Syndrome.

Insane weather

2009-02-08T11:31:00.007+08:00

It was the hottest day on record in Melbourne: 46.4 degree Celsius (while nearby Avalon recorded Victoria’s high of 47.9).

If I hadn’t run out of food and had been starving, I wouldn’t have risked my life by basking myself in the blazing heat and intense sunlight out in the open area. The dry, unforgiving wind kept slapping across my face and the intense sun sapped every available bit of moisture out of my system while I was stumbling my way to the supermarket.

Yet, I was the lucky one.

With the relative humidity standing at 5% and winds gusting up to gale force, one could easily trigger a fire by just a snap of fingers. This is no exaggeration. In fact, bushfires have been ravaging towns north and northwest of Melbourne. A couple of towns have been wiped out and a lot more are in danger. With a change of wind direction, the bushfires may expand to other areas of the state. Up to now 26 lives were claimed and the death toll is still counting as policemen and firefighters can’t reach those trapped in their homes or cars yet.

The extreme heat has put the already critical water supply and the electricity supply under further strain. Power outages wreaked havoc across the state and left hundreds of thousands without electricity.

The flickering flames and storming ashes on screen were too heart-wrecking to watch, especially when you knew there were people somewhere behind the scene struggling to escape. My heart, as well as other Victorians’, is with the homeless, the injured, and the deceased.

Luckily the sweltering weather only lasted a day and the temperature drops sharply to around 20 degree Celsius with shower today. Nothing has come more refreshing and graceful than a cool drizzling day after the raging heat.

I hope that the shower and cool weather can relieve the devastating bushfires or at least put them under control. Back at home, I have learnt to stock up on snacks so that I can hide myself during extreme weather.

First Day of Placement

2009-02-06T08:22:00.005+08:00

I’m still living in Hong Kong time.

Last night I tried to get myself to bed before midnight which I always did (before 11pm actually) before I got back to Hong Kong. But then I kept tossing myself in bed without a slightest trace of sleepiness. I ended up having 3 hours of shallow sleep before I headed to my placement on the first day which demanded my indispensable concentration.

Luckily, my pumping adrenaline pulled me through the day.

Morning –

Once I stepped in the paediatrics zone, I was like being placed in the middle of an ER scene—alright, not that chaotic or dramatic but everybody was on the run doing something important, though I didn’t get a clue of what’s going on. I was left in the swirl of confusion, trying to absorb the situation while being bombarded with different sorts of information. I was being lucky today as I was told that it wasn’t that busy all the time.

Despite that, I managed to (be dragged to) sit in two assessment sessions for two different cases and attend the discussion sessions that followed. I had to get myself readily blended with the team which posed a challenge to me, though all others seemed nice and supportive.

Lunch –

Australian laid-back style. Everybody packs their lunch here (lovely). I got my veggie sandwiches as well :)

Afternoon –

There’s a team meeting during which my supervisor dispensed new cases to us interns. While she was presenting cases after cases, there was a case that caught our attention: very little kid, minimal spoken English, grieving family, immigrant from developing politically unstable country, brain injury, genetic deficit. I felt sorry for the kid but that would be my dream case: it involves all aspects of complexities.

While my supervisor was going through the case history, I kept muttering under my breath: “Give it to me give it to me give it to me pleeeeaaaasssseeee give it to me…”

“Shan, can you follow up this case?” My train of wishful thoughts was broken.

“Sure.” I replied. Succinct. Professional. Cool.

Grreeeaaatttt! It’s mine! MINEEEEE!

When my excitement (and obviously my adrenaline) subsided at the end of the day, I felt drained and post-party-ly miserable. The day was a bit overwhelming to me. But deep down I know my inadequacy and it's time for me to work hard and sharpen my skills and judgment in this field.

I will always keep my fingers crossed for the days ahead.

春光乍洩

2009-02-04T09:04:00.003+08:00

雖然身處在澳洲一小鎮，但想不到可在這邊的公立圖書館找到香港電影。人在異地，看到香港的電影不其然有點親切感。這也解釋了為甚麼在本土不屑一顧的電視劇可以在海外大賣（現在只要在網上下載就可以了，令電視台少了不少收入）。看電影或電視劇的要的不是劇情，而是一種回家的感覺、一種歸屬感，令人在異國也可代入香港的虛榮及繁華，卻暗地裡慶幸不用身處其中。

《春光乍洩》並非在香港取景的，但看見封套上的梁朝偉及張國榮及那四隻大大的中文字，反正是免費娛樂，沒想太多就借回家。

看王家衞的電影或多或少會抱著一種解迷的心態，情況有點像《國王的新衣》裡的群眾，每個人都在說國王身上的裝束有多華麗。看不見的就像那小孩，自覺眾人皆醉我獨醒，彷彿看穿了國王的謊話，嘲笑著他那沒美感的胴體。

我不太懂解讀電影，也分不清自己是小孩還是群眾。我只跟自己的感覺走。

每個人也有被生活膠著的時候。我們都在為生活尋找出口。

梁朝偉被一段感情及一個異地困擾著

張國榮　自己的obsession
關淑怡　一個男人
張震　　一個會唱歌的女人　

到最後能夠走出困局的都是願意放開的人。

王家衞式的獨白、杜可風的鏡頭、憂鬱的梁朝偉、不羈的張國榮（沒有腳的小鳥喔）──聽來令人納悶。如果這是發生在香港一男一女之間的愛情故事，怎麼也提不起興趣去看。幸好故事發生在一個西班牙語國家，還有同性戀作話題，為電影增加可觀性。有點喜歡梁朝偉反轉看香港的情景，其實 Buenos Aires 的緯度跟Sydney差不多（我卻身處在比Sydney還要南的Melbourne）。

然而在王家衞的電影裡，人物比故事吸引。

梁朝偉及張國榮的感情糾纏看得令人既傷感又煩躁。但看著螢幕上十多年前的梁朝偉及張國榮，眼睛不禁被他們吸引著，心裡暗道：「帥哥啊！」。然而牽動著內心的卻是張震的角色。在他身上有種一個人在途上了無牽掛的自由，還有那種隨處搭訕的不羈及那顆赤子之心。雖然他不清楚自己想往哪處走，但他在戲中卻是唯一一個不斷往前走的人。到達了最南邊的燈塔，聽著別人的故事及關淑怡的歌（我想關淑怡最後也在火車上為他唱了一首歌吧？），最後雖然決家回家，但回家的路又是另一個旅程的開始。他沒有讓自己背負任何情感的包袱，最後他將對關淑怡的掛念留在燈塔上（我想他在燈塔寫下的是關淑怡的電話吧？）。不要停下來，一直地走就是了。

其實我最想做的就是他。

關淑怡的角色是一個驚喜。她在戲中唱的西班牙歌令人印象難忘。老實說，關淑怡對梁朝偉的迷戀有點牽強，卻帶點王家衞式的浪漫。

《春光乍洩》我是蠻喜歡的。但要數我最喜愛的王家衞電影，《重慶森林》始終是我的首選。

Back in Melbourne

2009-02-03T10:04:00.007+08:00

Life in Hong Kong has always been hectic and stressful to me, even when I was having my summer vacation in the past 2 and a half months. It seems that I have done a lot without my noticing until now.

What I did in Hong Kong:

« Covering for an ex-colleague of mine at the secondary school I used to work since the second week I arrived in Hong Kong until the school holiday for Chinese New Year began during which I confirmed that I made the right decision to quit and became an important friend to a student

« Worrying about and working on my ethics clearance which I had to obtain before I launched my research

« Obtaining my ethics clearance for my research automatically after a couple of nights crying myself to sleep in a sense of helplessness and just half a day before I intended to send the university human research committee heaps of required paperwork on which I spent 2 months. Despite the ridiculousness, I did feel relieved that it was finally done.

« Attending a wedding reception of a hallmate’s during which I met some other girls on the 9-ba team whom I hadn’t seen for a long time

« Watching the Nutcracker, a ballet show, on Christmas Eve which I had been nagging my friends to watch with me in past Christmases without success

« Visiting my relatives in Mainland China on New Year Day during which I went karaoke-singing and smoke-filled-café-hopping with my cousins

« Watching my first New Year firework show in Tsim Sha Tsui alone after having failed to brave through the crowds to meet my friends at a Chinese restaurant in Cultural Centre and being trapped on my way

« Seeing lots of friends and students (both current and former) and having lots of local food which I missed so much, e.g. 餅皮蛋撻, 腸粉, 担担麵, 雞蛋仔, 煨蕃薯, 雲吞麵, rice dumplings, home-made Japanese curry, ramen, etc.

« Going through a series of health checks with one of my best friends who was losing weight dramatically and mysteriously. But I was happy to find that she is fine.

« Watching the first season of Criminal Minds at home while taking care of my nephew at times (how could I manage that?)

« Shedding some weights due to stress and a lack of sleep (and maybe warmer weather as well)

It doesn’t sound too bad with work and coursework intertwined with reunions and gatherings and some personal time. Despite the tight schedule, I did enjoy my time in Hong Kong. I was home after all.

At some point, I didn’t want to get back to Melbourne. I miss my friends and family in Hong Kong. But when the day finally came, it wasn’t that hard. Somehow I know what is waiting for me here and I sort of know this place now, unlike last year when I was too overwhelmed with my former job and didn’t have time to prepare myself for all the upcoming changes. And actually sometimes I did miss Melbourne even when I was in Hong Kong.

I remember I was still working at school, trying to wrap things up, 4 hours before I arrived at the airport. It was freezing and drizzling throughout the day which somehow marked my emotions last year. I didn’t get a direct flight to Melbourne and had to transfer to a domestic flight in Brisbane which took me more than 15 hours to get to my temporary accommodation. My first class started on the following day and I didn’t even know how I could get to the campus which was so far away from the place I stayed at. And I was alone, in a foreign land and away from the Internet.

Things were happening so fast in the first couple of months that I didn’t have time to take in. Luckily I had Tracy, my former secondary classmate, with me in the first month (I know I kept repeating that) and I met a nice host family.

Well, it seems that I was lost in memory again.

Anyway, I was more prepared this time and I believe I can enjoy this year more than last year.

*****************************************************************

My first Monday here

Just before I was back here, Victoria had been struck by an unprecedented heatwave for three days and the temperature hit a record high of 43 degree Celsius. I know that it was hard for many local Melbournians to cope (a spate of sudden deaths are believed to be caused by the searing heat) but I’m really amazed by their weather tolerance.

Growing up in a sub-tropical area, I know how freezing 10 degree Celsius can be to Hongkongers. However, judging from the fact that air-conditioners are rare commodities here and people wear the same outfit (a short-sleeved T-shirt and shorts/jeans in general) as long as the temperature doesn’t drop below 5 degree Celsius, it seems that Melbournians can tolerate a spectrum of weather conditions – from sweltering heat to teeth-chattering chill – using their in-born coping skills which I believe have already been extinct in the air-conditioned generation in Hong Kong.

Anyway, I’m glad that the heatwave passed me by. The weather was just lovely today with warm sunshine and cooling breeze in the evening. It is my summer.

I’m going to commence my placement at a medical centre this Thursday. I’m a bit nervous as it’s a clinical setting and I’m supposed to be very familiar with the assessment instruments (but I’m not). I’m also worried about my communication skills as I’m not an articulate person even when I speak in my mother tongue. I will practice on the assessment instruments as much as possible in these two days and will keep my fingers crossed.

Feeling bad...

2009-01-20T23:06:00.003+08:00

At least I can still cry, which is not too bad.

I will hold on.

Look back, then forward – New Year Resolution 2009

2009-01-01T20:13:00.004+08:00

I can’t imagine that it’s been that long since I blogged (as if I do blog all the time). So where should I start? Maybe from the beginning of the year, which I always do when I write my New Year resolution.

Time gathers its pace as I’m getting old. It flew, now it evaporates. It feels like I just made up my mind to study in Australia yesterday.

Now that I’m back to Hong Kong for my summer vacation, I get tongue-tied whenever I’m asked to share some exciting experience I’ve had in Melbourne. Not only am I not articulate or observant or even insightful, I haven’t got any real excitement as others might have imagined. There was no travelling around or glamorous social life or dramatic romance or drastic cultural shock (what came after my Scotland experience is just a minor modification of the first one). I was just having a modest, ordinary student life which was filled with library visits, literature search, assignments, all-nighters, part-time jobs, etc. In case you don’t know, I’m not doing my first degree with a bunch of early-20s party animals who live like there’s no tomorrow but my second taught Masters degree which grants me the qualification of a practicing educational psychologist with a handful of mature students who have different commitments like work and family. The extremely changeable, chilly weather is my biggest misery.

If I have to say something about Melbourne:

1. Most people are friendly and polite. They respect you as a human being. It’s also one of the places where strangers smile to you and you feel safe to smile back.
2. I love the sky, grass, trees, flowers, gardens, birds…. and the kaleidoscopic colors they produce.
3. I love the veggie and fruit. They taste as good as, or sometimes even better than, those in Japan.
4. The public transport network and the tea suck.

Melbourne springtime: the season of cherry blossoms :)

So, that’s my life as an international student in Melbourne—it’s harsh and there’s still another year to go, but I’m trying to savour every moment I’ve spent there. Anyway, I try to convince myself that these two years is the waiting period in which I have to better equip myself and reflect on my past and new experience. My time will come, I believe. The worst—which is not that bad in fact—would be being back to square one and to teach again.

As for this year, my New Year resolution is simple: get the registrations in both Melbourne and Hong Kong...and stop gaining weight.

A socially handicapped girl in a highly socialized community

2008-09-21T18:41:00.003+08:00

I have written this when I first came here. Just feel like having to update my blog but ain't in the right mood of writing something new.

***********************************************************************

Human beings are social animals. However, different cultures socialize on different levels, in different ways.

As a social handicap who economizes my social interactions, I feel just fine living in Hong Kong where people don’t really give a fig of how you’re doing without a good reason. I can get by a day encountering a series of people without having to say a word.

However, Melbourne is a problem to me. Not only do I have to say thank-yous to bus drivers, I also have to socialize with people whenever an encounter, no matter how short, is involved.

Consider this:

I’m about to pay for my grocery at a supermarket.

Cashier: Hi, how are ya?

Me (with a grin): Good, thanks. You?

Cashier: Good. $5.50 please.

Sorry. I just can’t see how that how-are-you thingy fits into the above interaction. Somehow that how-are-you and $5.50 don’t sound right together to me.

Or, consider this:

Stranger on phone: Hi, can I speak to Shan please?

Me: Speaking.

Stranger: Hi, I’m Susan from Department of Education. How are you?

Me: Good. And you?

Stranger: Good. I’m calling to tell you that…

Again, I’m totally clueless when a stranger calls to ask me how I am and it frustrates me when I’m obliged to reply him/her that I’m doing fine, whether or not I mean it. It frustrates me more when people don’t really care about you ask you how well you fare.

On the contrary, people in Hong Kong are more objective. When your friends ask you: 近排點呀, people usually say都係咁啦. Fair enough.

I know I shouldn’t have taken it seriously but at some point during my first month here, this sort of empty socialization drained me especially when you had to deal with different people in a day to set things up, having to say good-how-are-yous and thank-yous with a smile to a bunch of strangers. I don’t mean to be rude but I’m handicapped. Sometimes I just don't want to say anything.

Now, I have worked such canned response into the fabric of my speech programme so that I can tell others that I’m doing fine with a pleasant expression on my worst days.

***************************************************************

When I feel bad, just let me fall. When I hit the ground (luckily I always do), I will pull myself up and drag myself out of the gloom.

***************************************************************

Thank God it is getting warmer here and so I'm more mobilized now. I'm a weather-sensitive person and a perfect candidate of SAD should I live in Norway.

A bunch of random thoughts....

2008-08-08T17:06:00.001+08:00

* I can't cope.

* I'm not good at people or communication. I don't even like showing a grin for social purposes or photographs, why do I always engage myself in those fields that involve lots of strangers and lots of empty smiles?

* I'm feeling cold... very cold. I feel the chill from the very depth of heart and I can't shake away the feeling.

* Can people stop asking me grammar problems or how to learn English? Do they know that I've got a life especially when I'm not a teacher? Do they know that they have to learn to be independent? And do they know that I'm not even good at that?

* I hate myself when I have to pretend Ms. Nice. I hate myself more when I feel guilty if I don't help. I understand that sense of helplessness. I just hope others won't feel the same.

* I'm not feeling well.

* I feel shitty.

* And helpless.

* Stop telling me to be positive! Those who are always positive are just being indifferent.

* I can't cope. That's too much.

‘Life is too short to be taken seriously.’—Oscar Wilde

2008-06-17T21:59:00.004+08:00

I am serious about my life.

I mean, I try to be serious about my life, in my own sense of seriousness.

Subsidizing my undergraduate studies with two part-time jobs is being serious.

Quitting the lucrative private tuition job to go for a less-paying teaching post at a night school is being serious.

(Even though I didn’t mean to be a teacher in the first place) Staying in the teaching profession for the past five years is being serious.

Quitting the secure teaching job is being serious.

Pursuing a 2-year full-time Masters degree at almost 30 is being serious.

Being vegetarian (even though it’s just the lacto-ovo type of vegetarianism) is being serious.

Not being Christian is being serious.

Not being settled with just any one is being serious.

But what for?

Sometimes it’s just too tiring to be serious especially about life.

When even relaxation means maximization of life, it’s just too much.

Would I be happier were I not so serious? Is being happy what I exactly want? Is it good enough to be happy?

I want more from myself, that’s why I am serious. Or I am serious, so I want more from myself? Sometimes, cause and effect are woven into each other so deeply that they become each other.

I can’t afford to be weak.

But what for?

I am too tired tonight. It is one of those nights when I consume myself in thinking until it hurts badly; until I lose myself.

Cereal and Raw Mushroom

2008-06-13T13:31:00.004+08:00

I don’t like cereal.

Well, I did have developed some sort of passion for it during my stay in Edinburgh. I had it at breakfast, sometimes lunch, and very occasionally dinner (when I didn’t feel like eating raw veggie salad prepared by the host). At that time, I did believe that I liked cereal. It’s crunchy, tasty, nutritious. It made a good meal anytime of a day. And I wondered why I had never discovered how wonderful it was before.

When I got back to Hong Kong after those two months, I wanted to maintain my healthy breakfast routine (instead of washing down bananas with pots of green tea) and thus bought a big box of the cereal I used to love in Scotland. It was left untouched after I had the first bite.

So now I wash down bananas with green tea at breakfast every day.

*****************************************************************
I didn’t like raw mushroom.

Well, I didn’t even know that I could eat it raw until I was offered it as a salad during my stay in Edinburgh. Actually, I hate eating raw veggies (especially carrot and celery…yuck…) but when it is the only plate on your dining table (did I mention Edinburgh? Where everything closes at 5 pm?), you have to have it. If eating raw carrot and celery made me sick, eating a mushroom raw was the most freakish salad eating experience I had ever had.

However, something mystical happened after I got back to Hong Kong. I had raw mushroom salad flashback from time to time. And I actually missed it. Yes, I missed raw mushroom salad.

So now I have raw mushroom in my sandwich at lunch almost every day.

******************************************************************
If I were to stay in Scotland for the rest of my life, I would be a cereal lover and raw mushroom hater. However, the fact is it was just a very short phase in life.

The trouble is, sometimes human emotions work like taste buds that you never know whether something/someone is cereal or raw mushroom until you grow out of a phase and sometimes a phase can last long enough for you to believe that it's actually part of your inherent traits.

Our behaviours and emotions are conditioned by our environment (a-predisposedly-religious-person-end-up-being-a-Catholic-in-the-Philippines-or-a-Buddhist-in-Tibet-or-a-Muslim-in-Pakinstan sort of argument). I wonder if we ever truly like something because of what it is instead of what others are or where we are. Do we like something/someone in absolute terms or relative ones?

My passion for cereal was so real that I've lost confidence in my judgment.

More trees...anyone?

2008-06-09T17:36:00.005+08:00

I've finally finished this semester. Can't believe how fast time has passed. Despite some minor health problems, I'm rather surprised that I'm functioning reasonably well both physically and psychologically (sorta... provided that the base line is not very high in the first place). Now that I've finished the first semester, I have one month of winter break with which I don't know what to do. I was actually hijacked by the fear of being planless this morning when I woke up and desperately in search of something to fill the time this afternoon.

But still... no plans....

uuuurrrrggggghhhh..... can feel the fear growing within......

******************************************************
Went to the city yesterday and hit the Botanic Garden and Shrine of Remembrance. Got a wedding present for my friend, tried some Italian food with my friend, and came across a very funny tram driver. A pretty productive day :)

I didn't really plan to visit this Shrine of Remembrance but it just sorta popped up on my way to the Botanic Garden.

This is the Remembrance Garden. Should look better at sunset but clouds were gathering which completed block the golden light from the setting sun.

The view from the balcony of the Shrine...

Botanic Garden.... The ground was carpetted by yellowish fallen leaves. A nice spot for picnic.
Imagine a pair of shiny eyes and jagged teeth in the tree shadow... doesn't it look like a monster?*******************************************************
This possum sneaked into my garden last night. At first I didn't notice it resting next to the wondow, but then it turned its head and stared right into my eyes when I climbed the stairs back to my room and caught me off guard.

It then jumped onto the tree with its gaze still fixated on me...

I hope that the flashlight didn't blind its eyes...

It's autumn :)

2008-05-21T21:19:00.003+08:00

My blog has always been a bit wordy... and a bit boring, I know.

As it's a nice day today, I took a break from my work and walked around the area near home. It's autumn at the moment and trees are turning reddish yellow. A romantic scene actually :)

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Alright, trees may be a bit boring (I mean, I've been here for almost 3 months and the only photos I managed to upload are trees...) but I'll upload more animal photos and landscape photos later :) (Come on, it's Australia.)

Being Ada. Being Shan. Being myself.

2008-05-17T22:15:00.005+08:00

Most of my friends, especially good friends, are Christians. Even though I have no religion, my indifferent attitude towards religions has made our religious difference a trivia. Alright, I do feel uneasy with their homophobia and obsession with God’s plans sometimes but it isn’t a big problem as long as I’m not anti-Christ or a radical homosexuality activist.

I’m not a church person obviously but, despite some weird church experience, I don’t mind going to church when my friends invite me repeatedly, even though it always turns out to be a one church stand.

Since going to church is one of the most important weekend activities here besides gardening and drinking, I did pop in some sort of cell groups twice since I’ve been here.

However, the more I try to commit, the more I feel like living a parallel life of a prospective Christian caroling and praying at church and a 100% non-believer enjoying God Delusion by Richard Dawkins the atheist and the teachings by the Dalai Lama at home.

Last night while I was watching a video about intellectual design vs. Darwinian theory at church, my mind trailed off to a bunch of what-ifs—what life would be if I just, you know, chose the otherwise (which is what people usually do when their mind is free). My life would definitely be rosier if only I kept my job which set me free from financial worries; if I said yes to that boy (well, any boy) with a decent job, a decent degree and a decent character; and if I just convince myself to believe in the Christian version of God, looking at the positive evidence of the intellectual design theory and committing myself in a buzzing, spiritual church life. I would be leading a Barbie-like life, enjoying a nice career, a nice relationship and a rewarding spiritual life by any social standard.

But deep down I know…

I can’t commit.
I can’t stay in my job anymore.
And I can’t say ‘yes’ to just any Kens who look promising.
I’m not Barbie after all.

Now after more than a decade of casual church attendance, I suddenly feel a pressing need to make a statement of my beliefs* (and non-beliefs).

We all have the experience of feeling bad about our minority self and trying to blend in the mainstream by concealing or distorting that part of ourselves. At school, it is peer pressure one has to brave through; but in a society, it is social stigma.

My friend (who is at the same age as mine) who is doing a full-time Masters course is hesitant to tell her nosy neighbours that she does not have a full-time job at the moment.

And she and I know how it feels to walk out from the comfort of the mainstream to the labelling zone--almost 30, boyfriendless single, jobless, overeducated, with depleting savings.

To be frank, I always secretly admire the courage of those middle-aged housewives wearing vibrant colours and using Hello Kitty accessories despite disapproving glare from others. I’m also encouraged by those walking fashion disasters who give me strength to be comfortable with myself.

After all these years, I have to accept who I am and who I am not, and be proud of my choice.

Last night when I left the church, I knew it was another one church stand.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
* I believe...

1. I believe in Invisible Hand.
2. I believe in Judgment (not necessarily like a suspect being interrogated in a court setting but a sense that we’re all responsible for what we’ve done in the end).
3. I believe in Lessons underlying misfortune and those brought to us by each person we encounter.
4. I believe that love is what remains at the end of our life and what can be carried forward.
Basically these are the common factors of most religions though it is not how I come to formulate them.

I confess...

2008-04-25T18:46:00.004+08:00

... I enjoy watching others' amazed faces and hearing that gosh-you-look-like-a-freshman exclamation when I tell them my real age. Even though I'll show them a come-on-you're-kidding look, deep down I do feel flattered. Such an interaction will actually make my day if only it stops here. However, usually it doesn't.

Some people just get too excited that they act like having found a rare human species and go ask others around to guess my real age. I don't mind disclosing my age but slipping my age in a small talk is one thing; making it a public spotlight is another.

After two months of meeting new people in Melbourne, I can proudly conclude that such guessing-game reaction is not culturally confined and is stemmed from our primitive need to share discoveries.

Luckily, my thoughts and behaviors approximate my real age or I will be classified as having a Freudian regression .

Stuff Hong Kong People Like

2008-04-13T13:57:00.008+08:00

I'm not being culturally stereotypical, but one has to admit that culture does play a role in conditioning our thoughts and behaviours even though individual difference does exist (the academia will become a boring place if people are only viewed as qualitatively unique in all aspects). As a hardcore Hong Kong girl studying in a white-dominated yet multiethnic society, I do notice some variance in Hong Kong culture that sets us apart from others (including Asians). As Stuff White People Like is now all the rage in the cyber-community, I've decided to write about a few stuff that Hong Kong people like.

1. Adpoting an English first name (I mean those British/American kind of English first names) or even a Japanese first name in addition to a given Chinese name and changing that constantly to fit in one's ideal identity

The more exotic the better. Imagine telling others you're called Ada or Peter; they will probably call you May or John when they see you again because all these names fall into the same category: 'just the other gal or guy' when they try to encode you into the long-term memory. If you tell others that you're called Blanchefleur (in case you wonder, it's a girl name) or Zacarias, doesn't matter that many Hongkongers have difficulties pronouncing /l/, /r/or /z/, they will have no problem remembering you even if they can't correctly pronounce your name as you're encoded as 'someone with a long, exotic name that I can't spell or pronounce'.

At first I thought it's a colonial thingy, but then I found out that the Chinese, in general, love this practice (the Indian were once under the British colonial rule as well but they don't give themselves British first names). But of course it is more deeply rooted in Hong Kong culture that even our Hong Kong-born Chief Executive has an English first name (I don't think Hu Jin Tao has an English name, nor does our former Shanghai-born Chief Executive Tung Chee-Hwa).

English teachers in Hong Kong should partly be blamed as they encourage, if not require, their students to adpot an English first name in class (hands up: I didn't do that though I did ask my students to tell me how they'd like me to address them in English lessons). I have an English name which my English teacher, instead of my parents, gave me but I never use it here. Nor have I added that English name to my identity card or passport when I was given a chance to do so a couple of years ago. I just don't feel right even though I'm widely known as Ada to most of my friends and colleagues in Hong Kong.

An Indian classmate of mine told me that a Hong Kong student once asked her what her English name was even after she told him her Indian name in English. And she was so puzzled at that time. Obviously, there's a distinction between modernisation and westernisation in her country.

Now that Japanese pop culture has captured the hearts of both teenagers and adults in Hong Kong, more people now identify themselves with Japanese first names like Miki, Suki, Yuki or Suzuki.

So why do we hate our names? Alright, we don't really hate our names but we just want to feel closer to another culture. So why do we hate our own culture? Alright, we don't really hate our own culture but we just want to appear to be more westernized or more Japanese-like by adopting a foreign name. By the way, adopting an English first name has become part of our culture now, hasn't it? And our culture is to make ourselves look more Caucasian and Japanese.

Hong Kong being a British colony for more than 150 years, we feel alienated from our Chinese identity. Some people in Hong Kong still hold overpriced, under-internationally recognized British Nationals (Overseas) (BN(O)) passports in the hope of clinging to the very last bit of the British identity, no matter how weak it is. Some years ago when I helped with the new student registration at a secondary school, some parents still claimed their sons or daughters as British since they hold BN(O). And it was almost 8 years after the handover.

What's worse, it's not just my subjective perception that we don't like our Chinese root. A couple of years ago I met some Belgian backpackers in Tokyo and we came to chat about our trips in Japan. I told them that many local people mistook me for a Japanese, then they said I must have been very happy about this comment. And when I denied that and said I was proud of being Chinese, they were amazed.

I don't entertain the idea of culture decolonization as we have to accept the past as part of ourselves. But as a Hongkonger, don't assume that all Asians have an extra English name in addition to their own ones.

2. Being obsessed with designer brands

The line of prospective Chinese spenders outside the Louis Vitton store in Tsim Sha Tsui has always bewilders me. What puzzles me more is not the familiar sight of a girl carrying a Louis Vitton, Gucci or Burberry (whatever) bag in Hong Kong but how people with low household income can afford a handbag that can cost as much as a month of their salary. Some students of mine used to carry Vivienne Westwood or Prada to school though I could never tell whether it's authentic or not (forgive me, I've never owned one myself).

Anyway, whenever you see somebody carrying a designer bag (be it Agnes b, Gucci, Louis Vitton, Burberry, Channel or Vivienne Westwoon) or wearing a Bathing Ape, Beams Boy or Comme des Garcons T-shirt, there's 90% of chance that they are from Hong Kong.

3. Judging people's intelligence based on their standard of English

During the colonial British governance, English proficiency was what it took to success. Local students would be denied admission to any local university if they fail the public English exam regardless of how brillient they are or how proficient their Chinese is (you don't need to be able to use a foreign language if you, as a local, want to study at a Japanese, Taiwanese or Korean university, right?). Many of my students have obtained good grades in Chinese and other subjects at the A-level exams but failed to secure a place at university because they failed English. Is that fair to deny one's admission to university just because they can't master a second language while mother tongue education is strictly enforced from primary schools to secondary schools? (why do we hate our language? alright, that's another story.)

Anyway, the thought that English standard equals cognitive abilities has long been instilled in our minds. Mrs Fanny Law, the former premanent secretary for the then Education and Manpower Bureau, has once doubted a visiting scholar's academic credibility because of her poor spoken English before she was informed that the scholar was Harvard educated.

* * * * * * * * * * *
well, I do love Hong Kong :) It's cute to have an English name and interesting to see people carrying designer bags, isn't it?

與我常在

2008-03-25T21:29:00.007+08:00

When I was in Primary Two, my class teacher expressed his concern to my mum that I didn’t smile or laugh much. Back then I didn’t know that we human beings smile or laugh for social purposes; I only laughed and smiled for physiological needs. I could never hold a smile or a grin long enough for photography; even when I could I did that in an unnatural way. Now that after some practice (and I mean it) I manage to produce a reasonable grin upon request but somehow that part of social handicap has shaped my life.

I’ve never been a sociable person who is lucky with friends. Well, I’m not that compatible with most people.

I used to imagine having a twin sister who had exactly the same thoughts as mine. I wanted someone to hang around with and explore different places, to keep me company, to hug me when I felt needed, to hold my hands when I needed support, to lend me a shoulder to cry and gently pat my back telling me everything was going to be fine; someone who didn’t mind sharing my silly and somehow absurd thoughts and the silence when I didn’t feel like talking or when I was lost in thoughts. And I would do exactly the same things for her (Alright, it’s not a twin sister I’m talking about but a clone of me. But then isn’t it more realistic to desire a twin sister than a clone of oneself?).

When I’ve grown up, solitude has become a preference more than a compromise. I hang around alone, watch ballet shows alone, travel alone and launch a new life in a novel city alone. I tell myself everything is going to be fine when actually nothing is fine. I’m neither independent nor strong. Please. I’m not pitiful but I’m not strong either. I just feel more comfortable that way.

There’s no twin sister. There’s no clone of me.

I know. I am the real narcissist.

Cry till my eyes dry

2008-03-18T20:33:00.001+08:00

Overeducation

2008-03-16T15:23:00.009+08:00

I first came across the word ‘overeducation’ when I was in F.6 or F.7 when my teacher told me a little story about how a university graduate got turned down during a job interview for a clerk or something alike. Back then, a degree was nothing prestigious but still the admission rate of local undergraduate degrees was strictly restricted to 18% of the population of 18- to 20-year-olds.

The concept shook my little confined world at that time as being told overeducated was like being told over-rich or over-beautiful.

The term came up more often during the economic recession that stroke us hard after the handover. At that time, experience was a hotter commodity than education as there’s a surplus of degree holders in our work force. Some had to hide part of their higher education history as if it’s a criminal record in order to secure a job and reassure their boss that they would be good and loyal.

It was the time when too much education was a burden rather than a merit in job hunting.

Yet, the relationship between social desirability and formal education has always been a Kuznets curve, i.e. social desirability initially increases but later decreases with the amount of formal education after which reaches a socially defined optimal level.

Sadly, overeducation is not just a term for economic recession but also an antonym for a failure to transform additional education into more income or a bookish kid who refuses to face the reality of job hunting.

Situated on either end of the social-desirability-against-formal-education Kuznets curve can be quite stigmatic sometimes.

The other day I bumped into one of Tracy’s classmates in the immersion programme on train, so we had a small talk that people usually have when they run into someone they know but not well enough.

When we talked about my studies here, I confessed to her that I’m now doing my second coursework masters degree, the first one being Linguistics, to illustrate how much I dislike Linguistics and why I do a Psychology course here.

She shot me a quizzical look and popped me a question that hadn’t ever crossed my mind: 'Do you like studying very much (你好鐘意讀書o架)?' The question itself sounded rather neutral and innocent enough (though it somehow brought me back to the 60s) but I took it as a polite, socially stylish way to show her frustration over my somewhat obsession with education or else, degrees.

I was speechless and mentally backtracked my academic history. Shockingly enough, my resume—a Bachelor degree + a postgrad dip + an MA degree + a pursuing MPsych degree, not to mention some very short courses, all obtained within a decade and all sound recreational as they haven’t taken me to the next level: PhD—did fit perfectly the definition of nerds. I must have sounded like some insane degree collectors to her.

But no, I’m not bookish or nerdy (alrite, I'm not academic either)! Well, not in my definition. So I just murmured something which I have forgotten already and tried to change the subject. I was tired of justifying my decision and offering any explanation.

You may think I have thought too much over such a simple question, but my friend’s story is more convincing.

A girlfriend of mine has received some harsh comments from her parents, relatives and even colleagues because she has done a postgrad dip, an MA degree, a part-time-MA-degree-then-transferred-to-full-time-MPhil degree since her graduation (which is less than 6 years ago). It seems that she has constantly been engaging in some sort of degree-awarding courses. Whenever she is asked what degree she’s pursuing, she always has something to offer. They questioned the value of so much formal education as she couldn’t transform her education into money, fame or credibility.

Yet, she doesn’t do all these out of pure interest or boredom; she is on her way to PhD (probably from Cambridge) and thus professorship, i.e. a career. Sometimes, it takes a longer path for someone to search for what they really like. We used to joke about her possible fine-printed list of academic qualifications shown under one’s title on a name card; how a list of MA degrees is sandwiched between BSSs and PhD. But then she has decided to keep only her Bachelor degree, MPhil and PhD on her name card, eliminating all excessive ones.

As for me, I have made a mental note not to disclose this part of my academic history to new friends or semi-strangers. I'm old enough to understand too much of a good thing can sound bad--at least to someone.

A new journey down under

2008-03-07T11:48:00.002+08:00

At the airport

I used to think I would be ecstatic when the day I could fly away from the bustle and hustle finally dawned on me. I thought I would be full of plans and expectations as I was going to pursue what I had been dreaming for a long time. And I thought maybe I would shed some tears as well.

Actually, I wasn’t and I didn’t.

It seems that it’s always more exciting to expect than to experience. The enthusiasm has somehow sneaked away bit by bit, day after day while you’re waiting for it. When it finally comes, the excitement has already been drained.

By the time I arrived at the airport, I felt consumed both physically and spiritually. My sensations were numbed by the unfinished work at school and deprivation of sleep. The previous month has been so hectic that I felt like having seen all the people I would see and done all the work I would do in a year.

Everything looked so surreal to me that at one point I asked myself what I had done.

Despite the eerie and perhaps indifferent feeling, I did feel blessed and touched by the support of my family, friends, colleagues and even students. My gratitude to them always goes beyond words. I’m sure their love will cushion me wherever I go, whatever happens to me.

*********************************************************************

My first week

The first week has been nerve-fraying to me. I arrived in Melbourne on Sunday afternoon but I had lectures on Mondays and Tuesdays. I felt a bit out of place in the lectures as not only was I still overwhelmed by my journey and haunted by the unfinished work back in Hong Kong but I was one of the only two international students in class (the other one did her first degree there so she knows the people and the place; and, she has an idea for her research project and knows which professor she's going to).

While all others have some sort of professional experience in the field (be it a practicing counselor or a research fellow at a clinic), I was rather professionally clean in this aspect. And while the others somehow know each other (I missed the orientation week) and were so ready to contribute, I was still in a mist of confusion. Yet, we had to pair ourselves up and come up with a topic for the class presentation in the first lecture.

What annoyed me most was I have to deal with a bunch of applications—working with children check, provision psychologist registration, tax file number, bank account, etc. while I was still looking for a place to stay (I needed to supply some sort of address proof with all these applications).

I was busy with house hunting on the first couple of days. Heaps of students were looking for accommodation at the beginning of the term at the same time, so I had to keep an eye on the rental page as if keeping track of the shares prices on the stock market. Accommodation was gone unbelievably fast.

Thanks to Tracy’s help (I was really lucky to have her with me during my first few weeks at Monash. She is having the immersion program at Monash at the moment and will be back to Hong Kong at the end of March), I finally got a place to stay. I’m now sharing the house with a 3-member Chinese family from Beijing and the place was about 10- to 15-minute bus ride from the campus. As long as I can settle in a decent home, things will gradually fall into places.

I ended my first week with an excursion to Puffing Billy with Tracy and her friends.

As there's still no Internet connection at my place, I'd better not upload my photos using the campus network.

I will have my fingers crossed for the next week.

In about a month

2008-01-20T19:09:00.001+08:00

Finally got a bloody expensive air ticket and will be heading to Melbourne on 23.2 and be back in mid-November (after my birthday^^). So actually you don't really have to plan any farewells (if anyone has ever thought about that) for me coz you may not even notice that I'm out of town for 9 months. Well, after all we are all very busy, right? Sometimes I wonder if some of my old friends may have actually emigrated to another planet without informing me coz I have not seen them for ages despite a number of attempts to make advance appointments. Anyway, I will be back in Hong Kong for Christmas and hang out on msn from time to time, so I won't look like I've evaporated from the Earth.

Keep in touch mates :)

What lies beneath and beyond (i.e. New Year Resolution)

2008-01-01T16:02:00.000+08:00

I believe that everything has a theme.

My life has (at least) one, I believe, though I won't know that until the last minute. And there is a theme for every year.

Let me see...
2003 is a year of turbulence;
2004 is a year of renewal;
2005 is a year of depression;
2006 is a year of self-enlightenment;
and 2007 is a year of pursuit.

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***
Some random thoughts in 2007

(1) Being an adult
I have finally realised that I am an adult (which is a mental status rather than an age-defined concept; but still, I admit that it comes a bit late) and my list of can'ts is growing with my age.

I can't afford the mess-around-then-screw-up-everything-so-restart type of life; I can't afford an unpromising relationship; I can't afford making a wrong move in my career; I can't afford being stagnant; I can't go experimenting with anything new just because I want to; I can't keep pretending to be naive; I can't dress like a teenage/MK girl; I can't afford any all-nighters; I can't splash out most of my money on fashion and entertainment; I can't be having no financial management; I can't be planless.

I have to talk like an adult--being able to feed stock, property, politics or rearing babies (even though I don't have one) in conversations. Your life achievements are no longer measured by your grades but whether or not you have a car, a property, a wife/husband, a well-paid job or a platinum credit card.

Gone are the days when I would go sleepless before school picnic days and could cry over a friend moving to another town. Chocolate and sleep were once the best remedy for a sad mood.

As one gets older, one will understand that tears won't come easily when you're really sad. Instead, people cry when they feel happy.

Another symptom of such an adult realisation is the fear of being broke.

When I was young, I didn't mind having a simple, deprived life. I was still living in my own fantasy of dreams and fairy tales. They protected me from the stark reality of the adult world. They gave me hope.

All those shelters are now turned into dust and leave a dark, deep hole inside me. For years, I have been working hard to grasp as much as I can to fill that hole; yet the more I dump into that hole, the bigger it grows. I feel helpless but I don't want to let go of what I have already had.

I can't lose.

I am an adult now.

I know, this is just the beginning.

(2) Passing that point of no return
I'm not a mechanical rides type of person. I couldn't even stand the ride at the Snoopy Town at Universial Studio, Osaka (and yes, it's for kids). So when I visited the Tokyo Disneyland with my friends this summer, I felt hesitant when they dragged me to Space Mountain. They said if I hadn't tried Space Mountain, I hadn't really had a real Disneyland experience.

Despite feeling unsettled, I kept telling myself to step outside my comfort zone and get a new experience. As the queue shuffled forward slowly, I noticed that there was an emergency exit for those who decided not to take the ride on a second thought. However, while I was struggling whether or not I should slip away, the current of moving people had already taken me past the exit. Nevertheless, there's always hope. I saw but missed the second and third exits. When it came to the forth one (which I believed was the last one), I sneaked away in the last minute (and I felt grateful I did so).

As I am planning my studies in Australia, flashing signs of emergency exit keep popping up on my way, just like those at Space Mountain, offering me chances to escape from the shaky, insecure life. I know deep down that at this point I can still choose to fall back to the comfortable, blissful life that I'm having now and pretend that nothing has ever happened, nothing has ever been planned if I take that exit. However, this time, I'm not going to sneak away.

I know that I'm about to walk past the last exit and beyond that, it is a way of no returns.

Step outside of my comfort zone, I keep telling myself.

I hope that, like Space Mountain, no matter how scary and turbulent the ride is, I can still land on the solid ground after the mind-blowing adventure with a clear, sane mind.

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***
As in 2008...
It will be a year of change.

I'm going to Australia to do a Masters degree in Educational Psychology, but I'm still sorting things out. There's so much to consider. So at this moment, that's all I can say.

There is another thing that I would like to do in 2008. I would like to turn myself into a lacto-ovo vegetarian for at least 95% of time. Actually I have been a lacto-ovo vegetarian for most of the time but I would like to make a commitment this time.

Stick to my plans--as simple a resolution as that.

I'm looking forward to what lies ahead.

Happy new year everyone.

Thank you for your interest, but you are just another Narcissus.

2007-11-23T18:33:00.000+08:00

Narcissus sat daily beside a lake to contemplate his own beauty. He was so fascinated by himself that, one morning, he fell into the lake and drowned. At the spot where he fell, a flower was born, which was called narcissus.

When Narcissus died, the godesses of the forest appeared and found the lake, which had been fresh water, transformed into a lake of salty tears.

"Why do you weep?" the godesses asked.

"I weep for Narcissus," the lake replied.

"Ah, it is no surprise that you weep for Narcissus," they said, "for though we always pursued him in the forest, you alone could contemplate his beauty at hand."

"But... was Narcissus beautiful?" the lake asked.

"Who better than you to know that?" the godesses said in wonder. "After all, it is by your banks that he knelt each day to contemplate himself!"

The lake was silent for some time. Finally, it said:"I weep for Narcissus, but I never noticed that Narcissus was beautiful. I weep because, each time he knelt beside my banks, I could see, in the depths of his eyes, my own beauty reflected."

--from the Alchemist

*************************************************************

Were Narcissus and the Lake ever in love with each other? Never. They were just in love with themselves; from the start til the end.

For years, those who approached me could only see their reflections in me but they could never see me through--well, they didn't actually care about that. They think they are in love with me, but in fact they are just in love with themselves. They are what they desire, from the start til the end.

How much do you know about me? Do you care about how I think? Do you know who I am? People come to me just because I care, not because they care.

Sorry.

You are just another Narcissus.

A short post

2007-11-02T17:27:00.000+08:00

Just wanna remind my readers, if any, that I'm still alive and this is still an active blog. But it's the busy season of school and so I can't spare any energy to update my blog.

I promise I will be back soon :)

A face that tells a thousand assumptions

2007-09-30T14:46:00.000+08:00

In a culture where you are how you look, it takes as little as 90 seconds for people to work out a detailed profolio of yours--your personalities, your credibility, your intelligence and even your sexual orientation--by just watching you.

While it can save us time to process new information, it is also a loophole in our evolutionary process.

With a pitiful face, I have come across a lot of interesting assumptions from others:
(i) I am the youngest in the family.
Actually, I am the eldest of my three sisters and one brother.

(ii) I studied at a girls' school.
I was co-educated--from kindergarten to university.

(iii) I don't exercise.
I DO work out regularly, though not frequently. How do you think can I maintain my weight despite frequent binge-eating outbreaks and constant chocolate cravings?

(iv) My voice is inaudiable as I am a timid girl.
As a teacher, I never use a mic in class--not even when it is crammed with 40 little monsters. You can't hear my voice coz I haven't uttered a word. I don't usually speak much in front of strangers.

(v) I can't live without a boyfriend.
I would have died--for several times.

(vi) I am weak and vulnerable.
You should have seen the way I told an inconsiderate man off at MTR (coz he pressed his back against a pole despite my grasping it). I can be bitchy when that's what it takes to protect myself and my friends. Or, when I've gone mad.

(vii) I am crying all the time.
um...both students and colleagues often pop me this question: are you crying or are you alright when actually I'm perfectly fine. I am rather surprised at it coz sometimes it happens a few times a day; yet I can't figure out why. Maybe I've got a sad face especially when I don't smile?

(viii) I don't eat a lot and I'm always on diet.
I'm picky at food, I admit. However, I can't hold myself back when it comes to my favourite food.

(ix) I was glass-house born.
Have you ever seen your mum or dad grasp a knife from the kitchen in raging anger trying her/his best not to stab at anyone? I have. I suppose that is not something you can normally see in a glass house. By the way, there is no such thing as a glass house in a grass-root family.

(x) I am introverted and don't like socialising.
At least, you get something right about me from my face.

Finally....

2007-09-23T13:21:00.001+08:00

Completed my travelog for the 15-day trip to Hokkaido and Tokyo in 2006. (not a typo; it's last year's trip.)

http://adakuku.blogspot.com/

I quite enjoy writing it coz I'm like re-experiencing the trip once more. Really miss that moment :)

Sleepless

2007-09-17T03:04:00.000+08:00

My mind is exploding with worries about my applications and the possible future. The terrible thing is I've got an array of worries for both successful and unsuccessful applications and I keep generating 'what-ifs' situations and new worries... It's like an ever-splitting cell and I couldn't stop it!

I sometimes wonder why I put myself in such an unsecured situation while things can look so rosy for me at the moment.

In the meantime, I just want to forget everything and have a nice sleep.

Travelog update

2007-09-16T15:27:00.000+08:00

Day 7-9 @Hokkaido

http://adakuku.blogspot.com/

My Shanghai Trip at Flickr

2007-09-01T03:16:00.000+08:00

Just click on the flickr badge on the left :)

* * * * * * * * *
Travelog Update

Day 5 and Day 6 @ Hokkaido (and yes, it's last year's trip)

http://adakuku.blogspot.com/

Japan Trip 2007 in Collage

2007-08-28T16:40:00.000+08:00

我承認這樣做有點頹... 但若我要寫遊記的話，我也不知何日可完成。

Day 1: 香港 -- 東京 -- 伊東
Got upgraded to business class. Hurrraaaay! :)

Day 2: 伊東 + 伊豆高原

Day 3: 修善寺 + 河津 + 土肥
因為日本七月史上最強的颱風正橫掃日本，所以絕大部份時間我都是「包車」及「包場」，四周一人也沒有。雖然全身濕透（連雨傘都透水了），但我仍是繼續行程。只是河津及修善寺的山路較多（我原本打算行山的），因我穿的鞋鞋底已被磨蝕，在風雨中行石路及山路很容易失足（我可不想客死異鄉），所以只好放棄。

雖然橫風橫雨，但我到達土肥後，還是要到處走走才心息，不竟由香港老遠飛來，不想整天呆在旅館看電視、浸溫泉呢。民宿太太借我雨衣、一雙雨靴及一把大雨傘，但最後又是濕透回去。

Day 4: 土肥 -- 箱根
差點因颱風襲日而滯留土肥，幸好最後還是平安到達箱根（只是花了不少時間在交通上）。

Day 5: 箱根

小王子博物館

　玻璃之森

彫刻之森美術館

盧之湖

Day 6: 御殿場 + 河口湖

Day 7: 河口湖
最開心的是「包場」摘藍莓，果園伯伯還教我如何選擇成熟的果實。因為太高興只顧著吃，所以離開時膠盒中只放了數粒藍莓。婆婆見我只有那少得可憐的果實，竟然送我一大盒藍莓 :)

回酒店時我將那盒藍莓送了酒店的司機（這兩天辛苦了），他可樂透了。Pay it forward, 快樂其實可以簡單地傳開去。翌日他送我一件 T-shirt 作為答謝，還說藍莓很美味呢。

Day 8: 富士山 -- 東京
因為遲起步及裝備不足（我的運動鞋實在太不濟），最後只是到了七合目便下山去。雖然獨自一人上山，但沿途不停有人跟我說 Ohayou 及 Gabatte，感覺並不孤單。:)

Day 9: Tokyo Disneyland
約了到日本旅遊的同事一起到 Disneyland。這可是我第一次到 Disneyland 呢。
（相片後補）

Day 10: 輕井澤
輕井澤有不少教堂，帶點歐陸色彩，也有不少人帶狗散步，感覺蠻悠閒。但這幾天看太多山水及樹木，所以對輕井澤印象只是一般。

Day 11: 日光
我還是較喜歡日光。單是二社一寺已經令我大開眼界。

Day 12: 東京 -- 香港

＊　　＊　　＊　　＊　　＊　　＊　　＊

相信在可見的將來不會再到日本了。除非...

Ocean Park + Magebox

2007-08-28T16:09:00.000+08:00

It's been three years since I last visited Ocean Park. Except that it's more crowded with youngsters (well, it's still their summer holiday) and Mainland travelers, it's more or less the same. My targets this time were jelly fish, Yin-yin and Le-le the giant pandas and my personal favourite Aquarium.

After that, my friend and I went to Megabox. Well... a boring place indeed.

Tasting the new, ancient and typical China—through Shanghai and Hangzhou (Part 2)

2007-08-05T14:46:00.001+08:00

Chapter 2: the people

At first glance, Shanghai looks glamorous. Fancy glassy skyscrapers mushroom everywhere, ubiquitous foreign fast food chains and Starbucks make you feel like home (as long as you are from city), Pudong Airport Maglev (which can travel at 431km/h in normal operation and could reach 501km/h in a test) takes only 7 minutes and 20 seconds to finish the whole 30.5km track connecting the airport and the peripheral area of Shanghai, which is about 10 minutes faster than taking a bus and 5 minutes than a cab.

While the infrastructure and economic development leave any new comers breathless, the social development does not seem to catch up. Like Eliza Doolittle with a strong Cockney accent and vulgar attitudes in My Fair Lady; no matter how well she dressed or jeweled herself, she's still that uncivilized girl once she speaks.

It isn't a norm for others to say 'excuse me' before they knock you out of their way; nor is it usual to follow traffic lights. On the first day, I saw a man in rather formal dressing piss next to the crowded Wei Tan. Thanks to the massive civic education campaign, people are now learning to line up at bus stop; but at the ticket office at Shanghai train station, the situation is still chaotic. People keep jumping the line or pushing you out of the queue. Luckily my tripmate and I were vigilant and didn't give anybody a chance to cut in.

At some point of my journey, I was really fed up with complaining and wondered if I had been using my hometown standard to judge this city.

I couldn't help but contemplate: in ancient China, we claimed ourselves the country of courtesy and despised those who had no manners. Now, nobody will disagree that Japan is the real country of courtesy. What happened to China in the past centuries? How much can we nurse the scar of Cultural Revolution? How can we set people's soul free from the suppressed fear of the century long poverty and deprivation?

(This is an ad. from a fast food shop. Age-ists!)

Chapter 3: the government

With such high population mobility, Shanghai is stumbling on the path to a more civilized society. However, when compared with the HKSAR government, the Shanghai government is stronger and more practical. She knows the weaknesses of the city and is willing to step up efforts to change that.

The government seizes every single chance to numb your nerves with different slogans. Mottos like 'be civilized, be a lovely Shanghai citizen' can be seen and heard everywhere. There are traffic controllers at main roads so as to enforce the traffic rules (at first I was too naïve to wonder why there was a traffic controller while traffic lights were doing his job at the same time) and traffic ambassadors holding little flags which read 'be a civilized driver, observe the traffic rules' alongside the road.

(The traffic controller looks cool!)

Apart from the slogan thing, they actually ban people from promoting sales in major streets and train stations which is a big difference from other Mainland cities. Take the photo-taking booths at Wei Tan as an example. The government would cancel their license if they walk out of their booths and disturb visitors with their sales promotion.

Roads and streets are clearly labeled; even for direction dummies like me, it is still easy to navigate the city.

The most important thing is, the government does a great job on heritage preservation. Not only are centuries old trees and buildings labeled as heritage treasures, younger buildings with important historical background are also under the protection of the government. Like the former residence of Lu Xun (who spent the last 3 years of his life there), it has become an important heritage a few years after his death. After all, you can sense a soul in this city—through history.

Our crave for more and more land has already made us lose our minds. The government keeps reclaiming Victoria Harbour—the most valuable resource we're once proud of, abolishing old—but not old enough—buildings, logging more and more big trees in urban area.

When I look at our own city—all those mindless developments, I don't know where we're heading to. Without history, we're nothing.

One thing I'm glad about my trip is that, most teenagers we met were energetic and civilized. I can see the New China through them.

Tasting the new, ancient and typical China—through Shanghai and Hangzhou (Part 1)

2007-08-04T18:57:00.000+08:00

To be frank, I seldom travel to Mainland China except visiting my relatives there occasionally. This is my first trip to explore the place with my friend by ourselves and it turns out to be an eye-opener for us.

To me, traveling is more than sight-seeing and cuisine-eating. It is also about exploring history and experiencing local life. The best way to do so is to take the public transport and take a stroll in local stores or supermarkets.

Chapter 1: public transport

Metro—my first cultural shock
My first metro experience in Shanghai has actually freaked me out.

Just a few days before I landed in Shanghai, a man was crushed to death in Shanghai metro after being sandwiched in between the train door and the glass shield alongside the platform. How the gap between the two doors could accommodate an adult and why the driver couldn't sense anything unusual are beyond normal human intelligence to understand. But somehow I was under the impression that accidents like this happened quite often as it re-ran itself in front of me on my very first metro ride.

I was surveying the train compartment when I heard a sharp beeping sound, indicating that the train door was about to shut. Suddenly a man holding a little boy sprinted to the train and was caught by the train door (it won't swing open automatically when it fails to shut). My tripmate and I gawped in mute horror while others roared for help and tried to widen the door to rescue the man. Luckily, the man was safe in the end.

Every time I stepped in the metro station, I felt like entering the war zone and got myself into the fight-and-flight mode. It is common to find people emit a loud sneeze just next to you without covering their mouths and to spot patches of fresh spit in concourse area.

Despite repeated announcements reminding people to queue to board and to let passengers alight first, swarms of people just hurtled in and out—at the same time. So whenever the train pulled into the station, just before the moment the doors which separated the two camps on each side of the platform gap swung open, our eyes locked and both camps were ready to brave the crowds to get in or out of the train.

When the night falls, the metro would become a marketplace. Beggars, young and old, would wander in the compartment asking for money. I have actually witnessed a trio of sisters begging on train for two consecutive nights. People seemed to have got used to it and just give the beggars a cold shoulder. Sometimes people would sell newspapers and hurl leaflets at you whether you want it or not. And if you are lucky enough (or if you travel much enough), you may even catch some public musical performance on train.

What seemed to be a scary place to me at the beginning looked somehow freaky-funny toward the end of the trip as anything could happen there. Somehow, every metro ride is a surprise and you would never know what lies ahead.

Bus—something you shouldn't miss
Riding a bus in Hangzhou especially during rush hour is a kind of physical training. For one thing you have to act fast and be nimble as people will push forward once the bus arrived. Forget about queuing; it's dummy logic.

If you can board a bus successfully, you have to position and balance yourself well given very limited space while people keep squeezing in and struggling out of the bus.

Your physical training doesn't stop here because you still have to get off at the right stop. In fact, buses in big cities are quite modern and there's announcement telling you the next stop; so you don't have to worry about missing your stop. What's challenging is, you have to bustle through the crowds to get to the alighting door.

After studying at CUHK for several years (where I still find riding a school bus during rush hour adventurous), I could successfully accomplish this task.

Both my tripmate and I agree that it's an adventure (that's why we're happy taking photos) but when it comes to daily routine it would be a torture.

Cross-city Train—safe, efficient and clean
Contrary to my old impression, the train connecting Shanghai and Hangzhou was well-illuminated, sapcious, very clean and safe. There were police/ security officers patrolling from time to time reminding people to take care of their own belongings.

I remember that I was taking a nap on my way back to Shanghai when a security officer patrolled by, at the same time shouting: 'keep an eye on your personal belongings even when you're sleeping.' I was then awake and couldn't fall asleep again.

Taxi—economic and reliable
We have taken a few taxi rides and luckily all the drivers we met were honest and efficient.

Traffic lights
Sometimes I wondered if I was colour-blind (that the sparkling little green man on the traffic light was actually red) or I was looking at the wrong traffic light (that the sparkling little green man is not for pedestrians but for drivers; so where's the real traffic light for pedestrians?).

I actually risked my life to cross busy roads but miraclously I could always dash through the racing cars without getting hurt.

(to be continued)

Safely home

2007-07-24T01:54:00.000+08:00

If the last solo trip was about self management, this trip to Japan (again!) is about crisis management. I survived an earthquake (didn't feel a thing but almost all the traffic was dead) and the biggest typhoon in July in Japanese history.

am now too tired to go into details. A travelog *may be* coming up.

Anyway, I'm 4 days away from my next trip to Shanghai. Gotta prepare my body and mind for that.

Sweet Afternoon

2007-07-10T18:11:00.000+08:00

Had afternoon tea with my friend at Haagen-Dazs in Tsim Sha Tsui :)

Cookies & Cream + Blueberry Cheesecake

Belgian Chocolate + Chocolate Mousse

After the afternoon tea, we went to Harbour City and discovered a new cake shop. The cakes looked cute and the packaging was classy, but the taste was just so-so. They cost more than what they are worth.

They look a bit dull in these pics because of the lightened background.

They must be an eyesore to environmentalists.

Left: Chocolate Mousse with Cherries

Right: White Chocolate Cake with Passion Fruit (This one tasted better)

Travelog Update

2007-07-09T08:27:00.000+08:00

Days 3 and 4 @Hokkaido:

http://adakuku.blogspot.com/

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Chinese Whisper

Rumor has it that I'm going to Canada in September. Things are getting a bit creative here. I wonder what happens if I told one of my colleagues or students that I'm moving to Africa to start a married life.

Digest (June)

2007-07-03T02:06:00.000+08:00

Chapter 1: Being naked

Gossiping is universial--I know this. It is just that I am too naive to believe that being low-profile and pretending to be innocent will immunize you against any gossiping fuss.

The truth is: in the realm of gossips, whether you're a gossiper or not, you will be a gossipee, sooner or later. And yes, somebody is more interested in others' lives than their own lives.

As the academic year is coming to an end, the seasonal who-is-in-and-who-is-out question is a burning issue in the office. There are ad watchers giving daily reports so as to keep track of any openings offered by our school. The intelligence (i.e. the ad watchers themselves) will then analyze piecemeal information and come up with drafts of conclusion which will be constantly under review until all the juicy details are unfolded.

So now you may ask, why am I an object of interest to them? Well, it's a long story (typical, isn't it?). It can be traced back to early February when the principal decided to offer permanent posts to a number of contract teachers. She asked the shortlisted teachers to gather in her room and announce the news. And I was not among them (I was the only experienced contract teacher absent in that occasion).

Since then, I have been a walking mystery to others. People kept asking my close friends at work (instead of me) whether I was enlisted. They couldn't coax anything out of my friends of course. Yet nobody approached me except Colleague A (he's given a title coz he would appear later in this post). He asked me after the Lunar New Year whether the principal had granted me a permanent post. I told him right away that the principal hadn't approached me for anything. (See? I would tell you the truth as long as you ask me face-to-face. It's nothing shameful to be hidden.) Somehow he felt sorry for me--which I found disgusting at the beginning but funny later.

With such an extensive information network, information (as well as rumors) travels as fast as light. It didn't take long for the intelligence to find out my somewhat skeleton and everybody started to feel sorry for me (call me over-sensitive but I could feel it in their tone and gaze). They thought I must have done a crappy job so I couldn't seize a permanent post.

Then something happened. The principal offered me a permanent post which I turned down right away. For some office-political reasons, I was informed later than others. And, for the same office-political reasons, I didn't share that piece of information with others except my close friends at work. But still people found it out (but no one confirmed it with me).

During the annual lunch a couple of weeks ago, Colleague A asked me again whether I had been offered a permanent post. I was stunned as I had given him the answer already which should be treated as final. He said he heard that I'd got an offer.

It's not just about whether I've got a permanent post (which is no longer a concern to me but surprisingly to others) but also other things about me (which I haven't mentioned in this post coz it's too, you know, complicated). I feel like I am walking around naked with no privacy. People talk about you, investigate you and x-ray you at your back.

What's more scary, I am just a small potato. (Look at the attention and effort they pay!)

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Chapter 2: The deal

The principal has offered to let me stay until I have an offer from the universities. I am really grateful of her generosity.

Because of my unclear situation, my post in the coming academic year will be funded by the capacity grant but as long as it is MPS based, I'm fine with it.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Chapter 3: The second trip

In addition to my solo trip to Japan, I'm going to Shanghai with my colleague-cum-close friend for 5 days at the end of July. My poverty plan goes on.

Ahhhh... one more thing, hopefully I can write a few posts about my solo trip to Hokkaido last year before I set off. Hopefully.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Chapter 4: The release of A-level exam results

Background information:
i. I was the F.7 class teacher-cum-English teacher last year.
ii. Even if students fail Engilsh (syllabus B) in HKCEE, they can still go to F.6 as long as they re-sit the English exam. They can stay if they pass or leave if they fail.
iii. One third of the F.6 students in my class failed the English exam in their first attempt.
iv. I haven't taught F.7 this year.

The result of the A-level exams was released last Friday. The passing rate of Use of English (UE) is the same as the overall figure. So, that means the passing rate of UE of my class last year remains the lowest in the school history.

One colleague told me I tried too hard to help those weak F.6 students of mine to pass the HKCE and so they could go to F.7 and drag down the passing rate.

There's always a mind struggle: help the school (and your career) or help the students? I have chosen the latter and have no regrets.

*************************

Chapter 5: The Harbour

After the annual lunch at Royal Pacific, I took a stroll in the Harbour City.

The rain had just stopped. The air was fresh and sunlight glittered on the sea which was as blue as the sky.

What a nice day :)

Some kind of panda statues were on display at the entrance of the Harbour City.

(Snap-shots taken by Sony Ericsson K610i)

Easy-come but never easy-go

2007-06-03T13:52:00.000+08:00

Getting hooked up is much easier than getting detached. Not only does this rule apply to relationship, it also applies to banking services.

Yesterday morning, I dragged my dreaming self to a real bank (read: a bank that you can really touch and feel) so as to cancel my credit card which I applied by phone a couple of years ago but have never used and my financial plan which I signed up with a few clicks online. Actually I called up the customer service naively believing that I could cut all these easy-come services by phone or online, but it turned out that they are not that easy-go as I was told to physically go to a bank to do the cancellation thing.

To be frank, I hadn't been to a bank for almost a year and going to a bank especially on a holiday is definitely a hellish experience.

I spent about half an hour in an express line (lucky me I could still use this service) waiting for a teller to print me a credit card cancellation form (which all I had to do was to sign) and another 45 minutes for a financial consultant to print me a financial plan cancellation form (again, I just had to sign). Simply put, I spent nearly one and a half hour on something which would have done in less than 10, maybe 5, minutes without any professional assistance required.

Sometimes I wonder, why do we have to make an ending so nasty? Why do we have to make all those hassle for another party even when we know it is going to end anyway?

Maybe I should have thought more carefully before getting hooked up with anything.

* * * * * * * * * * *

I have bought an air ticket to Tokyo in July. It will be another solo trip and I will stay in Japan for 12 days.

I had never thought that I would go to Japan again (not in the foreseeable future) but it is one of the few Asian countries I feel comfortable travelling alone (Europe and America are too expensive). Originally I planned to go to Tibet but I couldn't find any suitable tripmates (we have different time schedules).

This time I will spend most of the time in rural areas (Izu, Hakone, Mt. Fuji, Nikko and Kawuizawa).

I will have my fingers crossed.

"Every ending is a beginning of some sort."

2007-05-13T13:36:00.000+08:00

The moment right after I slid my last Masters assignment into the collection box seemed to have frozen long enough for me to get flashback attack of the last two years before my work finally landed on a pile of files already rested inside and put a period to my two-year study here in CUHK.

Over the last two years, the campus emblazoned into my mind as a brownish picture as it was bathing in fluorescent light at night. I zipped through the ever-transforming campus in endless nights without lingering for a moment to look around or to enjoy the atmosphere. My old days in CUHK, once familiarity of the campus and the teacher dress code seemed to have made me an outsider among crowds of young, hippy undergraduates and Mandarin speaking students. Everything I once knew so well suddenly looked novice to me in the moon-lit campus.

Such an alienation woven with my loathing of what I studied made the past two years of part-time study a painful experience. Not even the sensation course in my undergraduate studies has brought me so much confusion as the Linguistics classes. I didn't get a clue of what's going on in my conscious hours, let alone I dozed away half of the lectures.

Yet I muddled through it and now everything is history.

When this long-awaited moment finally came, I didn't really feel as ecstatic or relieved as I expected. Instead I feel kinda lost and unsettled as I am now left in the wilderness and am unattached to anything--neither study or a job-- but at the same time excited about the uncertainty and possibilities in the future--there's a world for me to grasp out there.

After that life-defining moment at the collection box, I took a casual walk from the sun-drenched main campus to the train station. I could finally enjoy the campus sparkling in sunlight--the refreshing breeze, the scent, the bridge and the river next to the chapel, the greenness, the pond, the calmness, and the newly paved grassland outside the train station. Once again, I could feel my long-lost love for this beautiful campus and felt proud of having spent a total of six years studying here. After all, I have left part of myself here and the campus part of itself in me.

It's time for me to start a new journey.

Life itself is a never ending story.

Que Sera Sera. What will be will be.

2007-04-10T13:14:00.000+08:00

Mr. Clown made us each a flower bracelet.

It has been almost 8 months since we last met and 16 years since we first met.

Although we are now on different tracks, each nursing a different dream within, leading us into different worlds that hardly overlap, we are always bound by our secondary school years during which our lives were deeply woven with each other's. Those distant yet innocent memories still warm our hearts like yesterday.

Tonight (6/4), as the five of us were sharing a cozy evening at a dimly lit restaurant, Jessica announced that she is going to be a bride at the end of the year and, later when she suddenly remembered, would like to invite us to be her bridesmaids. Half expecting the news, all of us were really happy for her and accepted her offer with honour.

Playing the guitar, a Filipino singer started crooning nearby.

When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother: what will I be?
Will I be pretty, will I be rich?
Here's what she said to me.

Our conversation was then steered to wedding planning and marriage life. All of a sudden, we became the teenagers back in those school days thick with public exams, crushes, boyfriends and break-ups.

Que Sera, Sera,
Whatever will be, will be.
The future's not ours to see,
Que Sera, Sera,
What will be, will be

Although the gap between our lives is too large to bridge at times,

When I grew up and fell in love,
I asked my lover: what lies ahead?

and our lives too alienated for each other to understand,

Will we have rainbows day after day,
Here's what my lover said:

we still share the momentous events in life,

Que Sera Sera.
Whatever will be, will be.
The future's not ours to see.
Que Sera Sera. What will be, will be.

like we did in the past, whatever will be, will be.

I know that's my weakness

2007-04-06T12:06:00.000+08:00

Please.

Please don't ask me if I'm available certain time in the coming future before you tell me what you'd like to spare my time for.

If you'd like to ask me out or for my favour, just say so so that I can always come up with some canned excuses like I'm busy with this and that if I don't want to go though I'm not very skillful at delivering them convincingly.

I'm handicapped in responding the question "Are you free this and that?" properly (especially it's from my colleagues). I will automatically blurt out the truth while I should have tactically hold myself back and asked why instead of giving an answer right away.

ok, I could have said I don't wanna substitute you for your own work and I prefer enjoying my own time even though I have no concrete plans for it. That it's my own time after all and being available for myself doesn't mean being available for you. Or I could have simply said I dun wanna do it or I'm not interested.

BUT. I don't want to be mean to the others, that's why I'm mean to myself -- both of which I don't like. Typical of me--try to be good but sometimes hate to be so.

Siiiiiiigh. I fell in the same trap again and again and I hate myself being so easy to be trapped that if I were not myself I would trap myself in the same way.

Why can't I learn to say no in a socially stylish way instead of grumbling every time I'm asked (in my translation: forced) to do something I don't want?

Friends in a package

2007-04-05T13:18:00.000+08:00

Some friends come in a package. They work in an all(or most)-or-nothing mode--either all (or 90% in the most-or-nothing mode) of the members in the package show up or they won't see each other at all.

There are three main advantages of package friends:

1. Time efficient
Common sense quiz: is it cheaper to buy 6 cans of coke in a package or one at a time? It goes without saying that time means money. The same analogy for friends: which makes the best value of time, seeing 6 friends (let's say there are 7 including you in this package) altogether in an hour or seeing just 3 at one time and the other 3 some time later?

2. Sum of parts does not equal the whole
ok, we're not that money-minded, right? So let's look at the quality. Simply put: seeing 3 at one time and the other 3 at the other is just different from seeing all of them in one shot. By the way, can we still define three out of the original six members the same package? You've got your own answer.

3. That's how our brain works
How does our brain encode a person in our mind? A person does not really stand alone as a person in our brain. It is tagged with different labels like college friends, hallmates, childhood friends, things like that. So a name like Ada alone won't ring any bell unless it is tagged with some affiliations like the Ada from your PGDE year or the Ada from your high school. That's why friends come in a package because that's how they make sense to us. Basically, we don't personally know each individual in a package but we know them as a group. Singling out a few from a group makes a different representation and thus they are more like strangers than friends as represented in our brain. In a word, that's nature.

Because of the all/most-or-nothing nature, meeting a package of friends takes a long time to make arrangements in advance and is getting more and more difficult as time goes by while work, boyfriends/girlfriends and new packages keep cramming into our lives and pushing the old packages down the priority-until they disappear.

Yes, that's the nature. The nature of life. We just can't keep everybody. We are bound to lose someone along the way--losing them in a package.

Fruit Day

2007-04-01T12:08:00.000+08:00

Life in a metropolis is so hectic that sometimes we forget that we have (or had) a mum, a dad or a lover. That's why we have Mum's Day, Dad's Day and Valentine's Day to remind us that we actually have a soul and the capability to love, and that it's important to show our love.

Not only does the hustle and bustle numb our emotions, it also trivializes our physical needs. So the 21st of March marks the World Sleep Day (which is my personal favourite) so as to remind people that you are only flesh and blood and obviously, you need sleep.

Now there is a freshly named Fruit Day coming in April (just caught a glimpse of the ad at the bus stop and didn't pay attention to the exact day) in the hope of encouraging students to eat more fruit. You may think it's just school stuff and students do need reminders. But actually some companies are more proactive that they have already made their own Fruit Day part of the corporate culture.

So what's next? Water Drinking Day or Pee Day?

Living in a city for too long, we have long forgotten what it means to live.

走火入魔

2007-03-25T18:00:00.000+08:00

I was confused about how to translate my jumbled thoughts and feeling into words in this entry. Things were too bizarre for me to take in.

Still remember the discipline camp I mentioned in the last entry? Last week, the other two F.4 classes went to that camp and were back on Friday. Actually their manic behaviours and post-camp ecstasy are nothing new and surprising though it's still unsettling. But what disturbed (and enraged) me most is that students are not the only one who have changed. Someone else has changed too.

Let me start with what happened in the camp which I skipped in the previous entry.

It's sorta of a military camp, so in addition to a varity of leadership training and group building activities, students were trained to obey totally. Whenever they failed to do so or to accomplish the tasks, they would be punished--by being shredded what's left in their dignity; like crawling on the floor, barking, saying aloud "I am a nerd", to name a few. Whenever the camp trainer spoke, students had to stoop down to listen (a hierarchy of authority was reinforced in this way).

There's also a music therapy session in which students were placed in a dimly lit room and asked to contemplate on life and their wrong-doings in the past while listening to songs with positive lyrics. On the other side of the room sat a few teachers (their class teachers, discipline teachers and the principal) to whom students could confess when they felt like to. Students would kneel in front of the teachers with tear-stained faces and beg them for their pardons.

On Friday when all five F.4 classes completed the military training, the principal asked the whole form to gather in the hall for a "debriefing" session.

The principal was overjoyed with the success of the camp (read: students' blind surrender to authority) and on stage, she instigated the crowd to hurl slogans and pushed them to an emotional high. She tried to mimic the camp trainers by devaluating the students' effort in a bid to push them to do better (read: shout more loudly. For what? Who knows).

She sounded possessed--possessed by her own demon within, a self of which she may not be aware. After two students leaders made their speech on stage, not being happy with their performance, she turned to the crowd and asked: "Are you happy with their speech?"

"NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Their reply pierced the air.

In her fumbled excitement, she continued: "What should we do if they fail to do their job?" At the same time she waved her hands to mimic a stir-frying action (in Cantonese, "stir-fry" means to sack somebody). Obviously she was suggesting an answer.

The crowd seemed oblivious to her gesture and shouted: "To encourage them!"

In a flash, the principal was stuck and seemed aware of her dark side. But very quickly, she resumed the camp-trainer role.

Toward the end of the so-called debriefing session, students lifted their class teachers like kings and queens, honouring their affection.

Before dismissing the crowd , the principal said: "I really enjoy watching classes C and D doing the duck jumping (note: it's one of their punishments in the camp)." Upon hearing this, the students stooped down and jumped, quacking like ducks at the same time.

After the debriefing session, I could still hear students chanting their slogans here and there around the school.

I was paralyzed in shock and anger by what happened. The infamous Stanford prison experiment came to my mind.

In the experiment, the assigned guards internalised their roles so profoundly that they had lost themselves and manipulated their power over the prisoners. They enjoyed their roles so much that they were willing to work extra hour without pay. The experiment which were planned to last 2 weeks was terminated after 6 days because of the unexpectedly violent situation getting out of hand.

I could see the guard in the principal.

The principal has imitated and later internalised the camp-leader's role to harness the fresh conformity instilled into the students. She had never wielded such power over them before and such a sudden, long-awaited enpowerment seems to have bewitched her. She didn't torture them or slave them or whatever, but she did enjoy manipulating students with her new found power.

Once you have tasted a piece of chocolate, you desire a bar. The principal has already expressed her interest in placing students from other forms in these military camps. I dread to think about what would happen if the whole school acts like an army of Red Guards.

I couldn't stop pondering over what have happened.

Do we have a free will?

Somehow, I can't deny that we as human beings are weak and impressionable. Sometimes, we can be made to do almost anything by the strength of the situation but not out of our inherent dispositions. Not only our behaviours but also our minds are conditioned by the environment.

I still remember when I was at university, a professor asked the class if we would join the Red Guards during the Cultural Revolution. A friend of mine said she probably would as the revolution was too overwhelming; it took a mighty willpower to get a grip of one's independent mind.

I think she's right.

Well, I do understand that neither nature nor nurture wins the century long debate. But in this case, the environment seems to have advantage over our minds and behaviours.

I may have gone too far as the effect of the 4-day military would not last too long as the reality closes in. But I felt bad enough about the whole scenario.

Anyway, I will wait and see what happens in the coming week.

*****************************************************

Last Thursday, I joked about the discipline camp in the staff room. I said I would kneel in front of the principal with pearls of tear rolling down my face, apologizing for always being late for submitting students' work for book inspections and for not preparing my lessons before I land myself in the classrooms.

We were laughing hard until I spotted the principal standing at the back of the staff room.

Oooooops.

Just been caught.

Bad news or Good news?

2007-03-18T14:35:00.000+08:00

Attention! The following entry is heavily biased.

Deep down every school principal lives a communist or even a dictator dream -- students strictly conforming to dress codes, hairstyle codes and schoolbag codes; erupting greetings to teachers with joy and energy embedded in voice; succumbing to the authority (discipline! discipline! discipline!); forgoing self for group.

Does any of the above ring a bell in your mind?

um...

(Posters from http://www.iisg.nl/~landsberger/)

well...to certain extent, these are the ideas we teachers are instilling in students starting from nursery school, but somehow when I look at the molded smiles on their rosy faces, it is just impossible not to hate them.

If just looking at the posters give me gooseflesh, witnessing it here in modern Hong Kong is definitely an out-of-body experience.

Last Friday, three F.4 classes returned to school after a 4-day-3-night discipline camp. The first class had just landed in the school by the time I walked past the car park. The batch of students in camouflage uniforms stopped while a student at the front roared: 'SAY GOOD AFTERNOON TO MS. QOO!'

Before I was able to comprehend the whole situation, I heard a deafening greeting 'GOOD AFTERNOON MS. QOO!' followed by a triumphant clap.

My jaw fell on the ground.

I quickly fixed my jaw and replied playfully (well... just couldn't help it): 'um...actually I prefer English.' (note: they were greeting me in Cantonese). The whole batch repeated the whole thing in English.

While I was paralysed by the surreal scene on the spot, another batch of students arrived and the same thing happened.

The smiles on their radiant faces looked familiar to me... Yes! That's the smile in those posters.

As if the whole thing was not surreal enough, back in the classrooms, they knelt in front of teachers in a tearful face begging for their pardons for not trying their best, confessing their wrong-doings in the past. As reported by a dumbfounded teacher, the students lifted her and tossed her in the air while hurraying. They even ran around the school doing the confession thing to teachers in tear-laden face after school. Some boys cropped their hair so as to embrace a new self.

You must think I made it up. Well...that is totally understandable as even I myself who witnessed the whole thing found it utterly unbelievable.

All teachers including me were so curious about what happened in the camp that brought such a stunning transformation to students and 'brain-washing' was the most frequently heard adjective from some teachers who did not went to the camp with students.

The principal called a meeting to discuss how to sustain their behaviours at school. Some teachers are happy with the change of course. Somehow I think I should be happy too now that the students are more confident and positive. It is something we are working toward after all.

But the change sort of worries me. Can teenagers cope with such a big change in their perspectives now that they have left the cocoon where they were trained to be obey unconditionally and are back in the reality again? How can they deal with their family and friends with a new self and a new-found guilt?

It is rather irresponsible and to me, immoral to train students with malleable minds like this.

Well... in the mean time, my devilish self is looking forward to the morning assembly and the F.4 lessons on Monday. Somehow I'm expecting something more surreal...

Detoxication

2007-03-10T13:52:00.000+08:00

很喜歡星期六下午啊 ^^

睡飽後呆在家中，喫喫茶、看看垃圾雜誌，很高興喔！

Avoidance hurts

2007-03-06T20:34:00.000+08:00

Caught a glimpse of her in the corridor and tried to turn my way back to the staff room naturally without letting her notice my abrupt change of direction and my gathering pace.

Really hate myself for being so childish and unprofessional but didn't feel right to confront her at that moment.

Bumped into her at the school gate when leaving but couldn't escape coz was with my colleague. My colleague exchanged a few words with her while I tried to plaster a natural smile on my uneasy face.

Just got another SMS from her and felt that couldn't keep avoiding.

Decided to confront her tomorrow morning. Got to be brave and professional.

Maybe should prepare and reherse my speech a little bit tonight.

ai... am still too immature...

Crush

2007-03-04T16:06:00.000+08:00

Felt an icy feeling dripping down my spine when I got a love SMS from a F.2 girl this afternoon. Actually that is the second love SMS from her--the first one being received on Valentine's Day.

At first I just thought it's kinda the girl's intimate way of showing fondness though the wording of the first one was a bit weird. But now, judging from the wording in the second message, I'm quite convinced it's a lesbian crush.

My friend told me not to worry so much as she's too young to distinguish love between lovers from the motherly affection from teachers. ummm, he's right. I will handle it professionally this time, hopefully.

After all, I have to learn how to set a visible boundary between my position as a teacher and students which I failed to do in the past.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

Gosh, just realized that today is Chinese Valentine's Day...

Are you polite?

2007-03-04T13:14:00.000+08:00

Every morning, the assembly kicks off with a funny exchange of greetings between the host teacher and students.

"Good morning students", the teacher would announce, facing an army of well-lined students in the playground. In return, students would echo a barely audible "Goooooooooood mooooorniiiiing Mr/Ms. X". The host teacher would ask the students to repeat it if they find it really unacceptable. But the repeated greeting is usually no better than the first one.

Annoyed by the repeatedly apathetic response from students, the principal decided to give them a lecture on the importance of greeting the teacher loudly in the morning assembly.

So after the hall assembly in the last period on Friday, the principal materialized on the stage.

"Good afternoon," she started.

Dead silence.

One second passed.

Another second passed.

"Goooooood aaaafteeeernoooooon, Priiiiinciiiiipaaaal," erupted in the air.

"What?!" my mind exclaimed. You know, I was actually waiting for her to proceed without expecting such an eerie response. Obviously, the F.1 students could read the principal's intention better than I did.

The principal smiled with satisfaction and proceeded with her greeting-aloud-in-the-morning-assembly-means-being-polite theory.

I was as annoyed by the mechanical response from the F.1 students as the principal by students' mass greeting apathy.

What's more freaky, at the end of her lecture, she asked the crowd: "So now you understand everything I said?" The students had no choice but to return a dreamy, unenergetic "Yeeeeeeeeeessssssss" ("明-----------白-----------" was the actual wording). Again, the principal seemed satisified with it.

I felt like being part of a communist movie.

Does monotone mass greeting/response means courtesy?

I am under the impression that most students in this school are polite. They will greet you with a nod (whether they know you or not) or simply say "Good morning/afternoon" whenever they see you at school (or sometimes outside school). Some students will even give you a bow when they greet you. I was really impressed by their courtesy the first year I taught at this school.

Well, I myself am a polite person but to be frank, if I were one of them standing in the playground, I wouldn't even care to lip-greet, not to mention murmur a word.

So why do polite students refuse to greet the teacher in the morning assembly? Because the whole thing is not about being polite or not; it is just some kind of mindless discipline training through conditioning.

Hidden agenda: total obedience to the authority can free one from troubles.

I agree that discipline training is important in schooling because we live in a society confined by rules and orders. But every rule should be underlined by a legitimate reason. When a behaviour is drilled without a reasonable cause or, worse, with a misleading cause as such, we're molding students into rule-following robots. They stop asking why but only how.

Schooling is really a dangerous concept, especially here in Hong Kong. All those teacher pets are blind rule-followers while those who refuse to conform are labelled as outcasts or rebels.

Sometimes, I just don't know where the line between right and wrong lies after teaching for almost 5 years. Somehow, I feel like being assimilated into the system gradually. Horrible, isn't it?

GGgggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...

2007-02-27T18:21:00.000+08:00

I strongly advise CUHK to offer MA in Linguistics in distant mode to local students (be they part-time or full-time) since I can absolutely see no point in being physically present in the lecture theatre when the lecturers are just PowerPoint or, even worse, PowerParagraph readers or paraphrasing assigned readings and textbooks without appropriate demonstrations or elaboration, giving personal insights or facilitating discussions (with such a large class size).

I can also see no point in having attendance as one of the assessment criteria of Master classes while I, as a student, can't possibly benefit from making a full-house scene or just sitting there given the above situation.

What's worse, having made attendance 10-15% worth of the total mark (while a paper or a presentation, which takes an ample amount of real academic work, accounts for around 20%--only 5% more), some lecturers try to test your patience and physical strength by circulating the attendance sheet in the last 10 minutes or in a randomized pattern so that they can make sure you can tolerate until the last minute.

All the lectures I was so eager to attend when I did my first degree did not take attendance.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Right... enough grumbling. Time to get back to the readings.

Good news & Bad news

2007-02-25T20:03:00.000+08:00

Good news

Got my IELTS result finally (actually only 2 weeks after the exam) and was relieved to see that beautifully shaped 8.0 printed on my report.

I admit that I was a bit disappointed to be unable to get the full 9 marks in the listening and reading parts since they were unbelievably easy. And it is sort of expected that I didn't do well in writing (always my weakest part). For speaking, the grade is fair enough though I believe I would have done better had I not been too nervous that I kept stuttering and self-correcting throughout the whole interaction.

Anyway, I'm grateful enough I don't have to retake it coz it's bloody expensive.

Bad news

I was bouncing on my way to a gathering in a wonderful holiday mood when I received a call from Garfield, my old friend and current classmate of the Master class, and was informed that I'm having a mid-term on Wednesday which I have totally been unaware of. In an instant, my emotion took a U-turn and slumped into a groundless abyss.

I was fully occupied today and have a full-day work plan tomorrow. I will start work officially on Tuesday which leaves me no time to look at my lecture notes and readings. What's worse, I don't understand a thing in lectures. The class discussion has always revolved around 'grounded' and 'ungrounded' (or 'granted' & 'ungranted', God knows) and I don't get a faint idea of what the lecturer's talking about. Usually I would doze off half of the lecture while day-dreaming in the other half. I don't know how I can deal with it.

By the way, I've got a speech to make on Wednesday (sort of teacher sharing stuff in the morning assembly) and of course, I haven't prepared a bit.

Back to the stark reality.

Doomed.

Movie Recommendation: Running with Scissors

2007-02-24T13:48:00.000+08:00

I'm no review type of person coz I'm never expressive enough to translate my good or bad feelings into a lengthy analysis of why I feel that way. The only thing I'm capable of writing about a movie or a book or even a restaurant will be either 'good' or 'bad, or 'so-so' if it falls somewhere in between. Well, words like 'very' and 'quite' will definitely make my comments more sophisticated but stars are most helpful in scaling my likeness.

For this movie, I'll give it 10/10 stars and so far the best one I've watched this year, DVDs included (FYI: I've also watched Little Miss Sunshine and The Lives of Others which was previously my favourite). That's why I try to write about it here despite my review handicap.

Let me feed you the synopsis first like other reviews do. Based on the bestselling personal memoirs of Augusten Burroughs who is now an advertising elite in Manhattan, Running with Scissors depicts how young Augusten was abandoned by his alcoholic dad and his mentally unstable mum who turned into a lesbian after the divorce. Augusten was then left in custody with his mum's therapist, Dr. Finch, whose family was no more normal than the Addams. Yet, he felt the long-lost motherly love in Mrs. Finch. Gay puppy love, school skipping and journal writing have since characterized his childhood. At the age of 15, he walked out of the identity crisis and decided to pursue his life on his own.

Being the director cum screenwriter (also the creator of Nip/Tuck), Ryan Murphy has again proven his talent in handling pathetic plots though this one did not dig deep enough into its roots and wounds. With a bit of psychology knowledge, one will enjoy the hilarious, witty dialogue and the pathetic yet heartrending plot. It's not difficult to find yourself laugh and sob with Augusten. One will be thrilled to know how the teenage Augusten has actually survived the Finches which are psychotic enough to fit in a series of psychological disorders and make a perfect illustrating tool in a psychology lecture. Actually, Augusten has co-authored a book called Abormal Psychology & Running with Scissors following the success of his memoir.

The story is fictional enough to be made an interesting movie but the fact that it was real gives the movie (and the book) a gimmick to market and wow the audience, even though the real Finch family filed a lawsuit against Augusten for fabricating and exaggerating part of the story (but lawsuits like this will only fuel public curiosity and boost the marketing of the movie). Without that touch of reality that backs the story up and the fact that Augusten is now a sought-after advertising agent-turned-writer, the whole movie will be pointless (would the log-the-Cherry-Tree-then-come-clean tale be widely told if Washington the first US President was not that little boy who did it?). After all, the public is after something fictionally real nowadays (look at the success of the pseudo-reality shows).

As for the music, again all I can say is fantastic and the 70s selection goes perfectly well with the mood of the movie.

Movies of this type--no CG-laden action movie, oscar nominated film or money-splashing big production--can never make its way to the theatres here. This one is no exception (correct me if I'm wrong) even though I think it is commercial enough to have Augusten Burroughs the bestselling author's childhood as the plot and Gwyneth Paltrow starred as one of the Finches. Well...if Tsotsi the best Oscar foreign movie and the Live of Others the Oscar foreign movie nominee are only shown in dismally few theatre houses in Hong Kong, it's not surprising to find this one released on DVD only.

I've checked IMDb and rottentomatoes about this movie and the comments are rather polarized--you love it or you hate it--and there's no lukewarm feeling. Those who hate it belong to the book-before-movie group who loves the book but is discontent with the lousy movie adaptation. So I assume if I like the movie, I'll love the book.

You may doubt my taste now that I admit preferring Running with Scissors to the Lives of Others. I like serious movies of course but I always prefer hilarious ones (Thank You for Smoking is another favourite of mine and this one is much better than Running with Scissors).

I'm looking forward to reading this book and Dry which is also written by Augusten about his post-adolescence life but I think I can only do it in the next long holiday at Easter.

P.S. I know my writing is overloaded with brackets, but I just can't help it. Please tolerate them.

I'll get the job done.

2007-02-12T19:15:00.000+08:00

I'm not the influential type of teacher--someone who is experienced, authoritative yet respectable. I'm more like the big-sister type. I would be happy and touched enough when some students tell me that they like English because of me (taken into account that I have no burning passion for the language in the first place).

A few days ago, a F.7 student came up to me and told me that he wanted to become a teacher like me, and thus he decided to study English Studies or Education at university. Actually, he was the student who thought my lesson was crappy 4 years ago when I first taught him (and I never taught him again after that year).

My first reaction is: Gosh... don't be a teacher.
My second reaction: English Studies is damn boring. (no offense...)
My third reaction: A teacher like me?! you kidding?
My forth reaction: Well... thank you. Thank you for letting me know that I didn't waste 5 years here and tragically find that I haven't achieved anything till the day I leave.

I have never thought that I would have such an influence on students. I'm never a prominant figure at school. Actually, I don't think I have done my job well.

I still remember the times I sank into an emotionally low point after being hurled by mean, ungrounded and obviously irrational comments from students (still remember the hate emails? They are just the tip of an iceberg). I wonder why I have to be hurt like this, one time after another. And I wonder why I have to bear their childish yet barbarian behaviours. I think I'm able to detach myself after all these years but actually I can't. For countless times I scrunched miserably in the staff room after a tiring day staring at nothingness, feeling drained, holding back my tears (and sometimes anger), wondering why I couldn't get my job done like others. I have never stopped asking myself why I still go on.

But when the gloom fades, I know the blessings keep me here--the little something students made me, their cards, their thank-yous, their affection and most important of all, their change of attitudes and perspectives. The feeling that I did change somebody's life here-in a positive way I believe-makes me this far.

I know that the hurt and tumble I've felt here will one day become blessings which nestle into my memories forever and offer me a buffer wherever I go. In the meantime, I'll try my best to get the job done.

燒米餅溫馨小提示：請定期清理負面情緒

2007-01-10T23:23:00.000+08:00

建議方法

第一步：
不須為自己找一個理由，只要不顧一切大哭一場就好了。如果怕哭得不夠暢快，可大聲播放悲慘情歌，效果會好一點。

第二步：
哭完了就要好好睡一睡。甚麼也不要想。

注意事項

醒來時雙眼會腫了起來。不用擔心，這是排放負面情緒後的自然情況。腫脹的情況跟悲傷一樣，會隨著時間流逝而消退。眼睛跟心終會回復最初的潔淨明亮。

New Year Resolution 2007

2007-01-01T14:30:00.000+08:00

With the irrationally ballooning stock market, 2006 has extinguished itself in the long-awaited economic upbeat--whether it is a bubble or a reality (who cares!). Newspaper headlines were overflowing by happier, richer crowds whose shopaholism works wonder for the economy. For a moment, we can convince ourselves that we have risen like a phoenix from the ashes of SARS and economic doldrum and the coming 2007 looks rosier than ever before (come on, it is the New Year Day).

For me, time seems to run faster every year. I just can't believe how fast I have to write a new year resolution again. But what I really can't believe is, I have no resolutions to write about this year (you know, normally I've got a few bullet points to list).

Well...I've got a recycled one, actually. But I'll get back to it later. Now, let's first have a review of last year, as we always do before having a preview of next year.

With a quick rewind, I'm a bit terrified to find that last year was more or less the same as the year before. Chained to the same job which job duties are more or less the same and the same Master programme which coursework chokes you, if not bores you, to death, you just can't expect any dynamics or surprises in life. At work, I can feel that I'm being marginalized which may actually be good as it gives me some determination I need to make changes.

Same as the year before, I muddled everything through. My performance at work and study was just equally crappy.

If you're under the impression that I don't like my job, you're just partially right. The job still gives meaning to my life. It's just that, enough is enough. Anyway, it's good to leave with some good memories.

Despite the gloom cast by my work and study, there's still light last year. One of the experiences that helped me regain my equilibrium is my solo travel to Japan in summer. Not only was it an outward journey to a land I've never been, it's also an inward journey to a self I've never known.

The books Many Lives, Many Masters and The Tibetan Book of Life and Death (for this, I could only go through half of it) have somewhat adjusted my life perspectives. I felt like discovering myself as a homosexual while I used to think I was a hardcore heterosexual--literally speaking, of course.

As for the preview of next year, it has put my life on alarm as it is as gloomy as the review.

I would expect the same as last year in the first half of 2007. For the second half, it remains a question mark. Actually, I'm rather lost in confusion these days as I don't know what to do with my future. I would probably quit my current job but what's next? That's my problem.

I want to make change but I'm not confident enough. And, I'm afraid to take a risk that big.

Anyway, this is my new year resolution--to settle a full-time study plan for 2008. I've got a Plan B and a Plan C but I'm not sure whether I really want to go for them.

I know it's time for me to actually do something in order to make things work.

I hope things do work accordingly eventually.

In the meantime, happy new year, everyone.

Someone special

2006-11-12T17:46:00.000+08:00

It has been some time (actually almost 2 months) since my last update. Being busy has always been my excuse while being lazy is the real reason.

Have you ever met anyone with the same personalities and thoughts just like yours? I have met one before. The feeling is quite strange. I can see my own self in him and somehow, I feel a bit down when he's depressed as if I myself am feeling what he feels; and I feel relieved when he's happy. He is someone really special; yet if you think I had a crush on him, you're wrong. Frankly speaking, I can't tolerate being with anybody who behaves just like myself.

I don't think I will see him again as he has left Hong Kong for his studies and didn't expect to come back. And, we don't keep in touch.

These days I have been haunted by dreams loaded by the images of his. Actually his image or his name didn't consiously cross my mind during the daytime before the first dream of such. And since the first one, his name would sometimes pop up in my mind but still I don't think I'm obsessed with it. Anyway, now that I am more consicous of his 'poping-up' in my mind, I have had more dreams about him--a vicious cycle.

I don't like the feeling. I felt empty the first instant I woke up and it seems that there is a hole in my life I can never mend.

I hope he's doing fine now coz I'm not doing fine here.

一個好人

2006-09-17T18:28:00.000+08:00

今天一早醒來，突然有一種強烈感覺很想去做一個好人。

Have you felt the same way before?

2006-08-29T13:04:00.000+08:00

You are among the few lucky ones in your generation who enjoy an undisturbed childhood blessed with precious friendship and free of love troubles. You may have dated a few girls at times, but love is something you have always dreamt of but too noble to understand.

As time goes by, you and your circle of friends have grown up so quickly yet quietly without your noticing. Witnessing your friends settling in relationship one by one and starting their own little families, you also feel like getting a girlfriend yourself. It is not long before you meet a nice girl that you like. She's got every quality you dream of and you can't believe how lucky you are to win the love from a girl like her.

However, you find something missing in the relationship that stops you from going further. However hard you try, you just can't commit yourself. Even though people around you keep telling you you two are a perfect match, for some reason, you don't feel right.

You leave the girl who loves you and go from one girl to another to search for that missing something. Yet, you can't find it. You feel lost.

Until one day you meet a boy. A very special boy.

He is different from your childhood friends and the girls that you dated. He is just... different. His smile can erase your worries and his words can sooth your emotions. You find it easy to unfold yourself to him. You don't want to put on any mask or armor yourself because you feel safe to be just yourself in front of him. You are so surprised that he can actually fill up the emptiness inside you that others can't. And when he looks deep into your eyes, you can feel warmth and... and a flicker of something that enchants you. You know that something mystical and unusual is going on between you two. And you are puzzled. You are not supposed to feel this way towards a boy.

Deep down the whole world of yours gravitates towards his but your rational mind tells you to resist. The two opposing forces within yourself are tearing your mind and heart apart. You have never felt so much anguish in your life.

That afternoon when you two chat at a cafe as usual, he puts his hands on yours accidentially on purpose. All of a sudden, you feel an electrifying rush of excitement and a bump of heartbeat. That nearly takes your breath away. Time seems to stand still for you two while the rest of the world is flowing. But your rational mind wins. When you finally manage to withdraw your hand, you believe you notice disappointment flash his face.

Yet, the magical feeling has been haunting you since then.

You try to escape from him but the more you want to hide from him, the more your thoughts are occupied by him and the stronger your desire to be with him.

After a week of hide-and-seek, destiny brings him in front of you. This time, your feet feel rooted and you know you can't hide anymore. He looks at you in an expression you can't read. Without saying a word, he pulls you towards him and press his hot, moist lips on yours. For an instant, your whole self melts in an anonymous wave of passion. And at this particular moment, your clouds of confusion clear and a sense of acceptance rushes in. You have finally found the answer.

This is love.

Have you felt this way before? I have.

This is how I feel about my religious beliefs these days.

Who is the queen of the classroom?

2006-08-27T14:27:00.000+08:00

The Japanese drama Queen of the Classroom has stirred quite a controversy when it was launched in Japan and Hong Kong. The story is about an elementary school teacher, Maya Akutsu, who talks and moves as gracefully and magnificently as a queen, so to speak, but treats her students in a devilish way.

Akutsu has her own unique teaching philosophy. She wants to show students the stark realities of life before they enter the society, which are slavery for low-achievers and disobedient students, betrayal of friends when it comes to comflicts of personal interests and insatiable demand of hard work.

Despite waves of complaints among teachers and parents, the drama has topped the TV ratings chart. And it's not surprising to find that many Gen-Xers do identify with Akutsu's debatable teaching philosophy.

Being a Gen-Xer myself, I still remember the old school days when teachers were really kings and queens in the classroom and absolute obedience was a must. I still remember my swollen, redden hands when they were slashed by plastic rulers because of my poor handwriting (corporal punishment was not yet banned during my first few years of elementary school. Of course that was unjust as I was sure my handwriting was easily comprehensible), the numerous recesses I spent standing in the playground or outside the staff room because of failures to hand in homework or bring back textbooks, the copying punishment given to the whole class because a few students chat in lessons, the loads of homework having to finish within a short period of time and the sky-high demands of work from my high school English teacher.

I'm sure my experience does not sound novice to other Gen-Xers and I'm sure they have more exciting stories to tell. Those school days thick with strict school rules and demanding teachers have formed our collective memories.

Deep down each of us lies our own version of Ms. Akutsu--be her the OCD-ish discipline teacher who couldn't even accept a dress 1 mm shorter than the standard, the strict English teacher who kept hurling reading and writing assignments at you, the poker-faced principal who wouldn't talk with students, the demanding PE teacher who required students to run miles in sweltering heat or the finger-snapping class teacher who couldn't tolerate a tiny buzz of noise.

Yet, when we look back, we have no more hard feelings and some do feel blessed about the tough training we received. We were trained to deal with harsh situations and were shown the standard necessary to reach if we wanted to excel. I'm not an advocate of corporal punishment or even corporal mortification. And I don't believe in the extreme practice as Akutsu does in the drama. But I do believe in tough training and the value of hardship. I do believe, to certain extent, pain is good. (Of course, I also believe in positive reinforcement. I'm not an extremist.)

Every one of us knows how a vaccine works--a weakened strain of viruses or bacteria is injected in our bodies so as to provoke the production of antibiotics. The same mechanism applies to the development of qualities like strength, determination and endurance--they are nurtured in hardship or even mildly painful experiences.

But now, the tide has turned. Teachers are no longer the kings or the queens in the classroom. Students are.

A couple of days ago, a small piece of news caught my attention. Some parents complained that a school imposed 'corporal punishment' on their Form one children during the orientation camp as their dear sons and daughters have to do 10 push-ups if they fail to observe the rules.

With free-falling population and schools struggling to survive in a competitive market, schools cling to life on parents' and students' comment. That's why school principals have a hopeless fear of complaints from parents and negative publicity.

In an era during which corporal punishment is defined as 10 push-ups and mental torture as having been told to produce a piece of English writing every week, it's not surprising to find the next generation more and more fragile.

Standing in class because students fail to bring the necessary textbooks?
'Oh no, that's definitely a torture to my boys and girls as they will probably break their legs after standing long time.'

Copying school rules because students fail to observe them?
'That's outrageous! Copying is meaningless and harm the vulnerable hands of my child!'

Poor academic results because the students don't work hard enough?
'You should have told me earlier that my kids are not doing well at school! It's your responsibility to get me informed of my kids' every single movement at school.'

Conduct mark deduction because students instigate a verbal fight with others?
'My kids are angels. They would never do such things.'
'It is your responsibility to teach my own sons and daughters. They are your students.'

Ok, parents don't really say these things, but they mean it. Believe me, these are what is happening at school. Many children of this generation are over protected and leading sedentary lives. Do you believe that some don't even know how to peel a banana?

When I was still a secondary student, I was always told my generation was slacker than the previous one. I thought it was crappy as we were doing well. Things have been changing after all.

Now at my mid-twenties, when people say the next generation is getting slacker, I can't agree more.

Well... the older one gets, the more grumbles one has over the youngsters.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Had 12 hours of sleep and an hour of afternoon nap today.

Feeling fully energized and gratified when I woke up ^u^

I'm the kind of person who needs lots of sleep to fuel my days and would spend half of my life in sleep if I'm allowed to. Just can't imagine how I survive the 5-hour-of-sleep days when school starts a week later...

I'm back

2006-08-11T15:16:00.000+08:00

北海道 + 東京 15 日 travel log 「一個人在途上」連載中

http://adakuku.blogspot.com/

* * * * * * * * *

I was still in post-travelling ecstasy and vacation laze in the past couple of weeks, that's why I didn't update my blog until now. I have started my Japan travel blog and hopefully I could have it finished in a week as I have to formally start my work after that.

I tried to personalize the travel blog a bit--adding some background images and modifying the layout, things like that, but it took me a large amount of time and mighty effort with my limited java/html knowledge. So after nights of trials and errors, I lost my patience and ended up using one of the blogger templates.

No matter how much I love a foregin place, I always feel excited about returning to Hong Kong. I know from the deepest part of my heart that I love this place. Even though I was just away for 15 days, I could sense that Hong Kong has changed a lot and it is another journey for me to catch up with what's been going on here--and I pretty much enjoyed that :)

One thing I enjoyed most in my trip is, I could free my soul from the world that knows me. I was completely free of mobile phone calls and SMS and had no obligation to return any emails or icq messages or things like that. Technically speaking, I have disappeared for 15 days on the surface of the earth.

And now I'm back home, even though I am still on vacation, I could feel the tingle of stress with phone calls from students, colleagues and my financial planner. Actually, my students just wanted to have casual chats on phone or ask me out, but I could feel some kind of pressure. And I'm always alert when my phone rings (or when I think that's my phone ringing but actually it's not) and will check whether there's a missed call or a message for me at times.

A friend of mine always turns off his phone during day-offs. At first I thought it's a bit weird as even his friends can't reach him, but now I can understand how free it is--you can truly relax yourself.

Sometimes, it's not so bad to become an invisible man.

Live from Hokkaido

2006-07-17T17:53:00.000+08:00

Currently blogging at a youth hostel in Biei. Everything has been going fine so far. I can't go into details of my trip right now coz I've got lots and lots and lots to write ^^ and it's a public computer so I can't occupy that for too long. I'll open a new blog for this particular trip when I come back to HK.

But so far, I quite enjoy travelling alone ^.~

Blog later!

A brief update

2006-07-12T09:06:00.000+08:00

Update

It has been more than a month since I last wrote my journal here. In fact, my quality of life has greatly improved after mid-June when the final exam started and I could finally enjoy some kind of leisure.

There were a few things I wanted to write about here but whenever I set my fingers on the keyboard, I was overcome by tiredness or distracted by TV. Maybe I had been living under backbreaking stress for too long that once when I was released from it, I acted like a loose rubber band after having stretched tight for too long--I can't get back in my shape again. I even feel blessed lazing my time away.

Today is the last school day before the summer vacation. I'm not wanted at the moment--not until an hour later when the graduation ceremony begins--so I decided to put my travel books and newsgroup chat aside and write my journal.

* * * * * * *
The Pig

um... let me talk about the pig first--the one that I mentioned in my last entry. I think that pig is evolving into a human being...

About seven weeks ago, I received a series of emails allegedly sent by one of my Form one students harbouring a grudge against me. The emails were full of foul language and personal attacks. At the same time, I received some hate icq messages from a stranger who had tried to coax my personal information out of me before.

Obviously, that person was trying to provoke me into a verbal fight in cyberspace. At first, I felt discouraged and angry. But on second thought, I asked myself: why should I care about what other students say? I did think carefully about why that person had such a disgust for me but none of the possible reasons could remotely jusify his/her doings.

I wouldn't fall into the trap of course. Luckily I had a higher EQ than Zidane.

With some traces in the emails, I tracked down a trio of girls in 1A (which was supposed to be the brightest class in the form) who used their classmate's identity to send the hate emails and messages. They came clean about the whole thing (luckily they did so coz I could do nothing if they denied. After all, I didn't have any hard evidence to show).

I didn't tell the discipline teachers as I felt obliged to solve it by myself. I told them my feeling about the whole thing and asked them why they did so. They said it's just for fun. (Excuse me? Sending hate emails and speaking foul language is fun? No wonder some teenagers find killing fun. The new generation is getting sicker than ever.)

Anyway, the girls were very nice to me after I discovered they were behind all these--which made me a bit uncomfortable. One of them later emailed me (with her real identity shown this time) and talked about her primary school life with me--how her hatred towards teachers was nursed and how sorry she was after sending all those hate emails. She started to share her feelings and secrets about her class with me through the emails. She even sent me a message board which was frequently visited by her classmates and was filled with foul language.

After all, they are just young girls.

So now, she treats me as her friend. But to be frank, I still could not fully trust her. Not yet. It's hard to give and love a person who hurt you before as if you have never been hurt.

By the way, I should learn to keep a distance from my students. Sometimes I think I was too close to them that they think I'm one of them but in fact I'm not and I don't want to be.

Anyway, when I look back my teaching career one day, that would be something interesting--and maybe heart-warming--to talk about.

*******
The Vacation

I will leave for Hokkaido and start my first 15-day solo trip to Japan this Friday. I will spend 10 and a half days in Hokkaido and the last 4 and a half days in Toyko.

As the day is looming, I found myself having a funny feeling these days. I've got a mix of anxious, empty and excited feelings. By the way, though I have booked all the lodgings, I have not yet planned the details--how I can get from one place to another (I always feel confused when I look at the train/metro schedule), where I can visit... things like that. Somehow, I don't want to think about that.

Many people were surprised at my idea of having a solo trip (That's a bit out of my expectation coz I think many people travel alone). But I think it's another kind of travel experience. For me, travelling is a chance for personal growth. I'm looking forward to a more mature self after the trip :)

*******
To the readers of this blog:

Thanks for not giving this blog up.
Thanks for not giving me up.

我是一個人，不是一頭豬。

2006-05-21T20:52:00.000+08:00

今天終於明白這麼一個道理：「不要跟豬打架。因為你只會弄得一身泥，而豬卻會很高興。」

* * * * * *

跟 Cath 談了一會，心情好了點。

Just got mad...

2006-05-11T13:48:00.000+08:00

I really, really have had enough!

Why do I always act somebody I'm not?

You may be enjoying yourself but I definitely hate that!

And I hate myself being unable to show my hatred. I also hate that I have to act Ms. Nice and persuade myself to do so just because I am your teacher and I am supposed to help you with your studies and be nice to you and to reply you when you speak to me and to listen to you and to counsel you!

Why do I have to act like I'm professional? I'm not!

A joke

2006-05-07T11:26:00.000+08:00

Whenever I shared with my friends my frustrations towards a student having a crush on me, there were generally three reactions:

1. "You must be happy about that!"
Am I pathetic enough to feel blessed or excited or thank-God-I-am-still-attractive or whatever because a teenage student has a crush on me who is almost a decade older? You must have watched too much of Piano Teacher. That is not something to boast of.

2. "Is he handsome?"
Does it make a difference? If he's handsome I should go ahead because I'm man-thirsty?

3. "Hahahaha... (echoing) that's funny."
Is that my problem? I must have talked about my worry like telling a joke.

The whole thing has been going on for almost a year. He sent me poems and kept asking me (seriously) if he stood a chance. He addressed me Goddess in his emails to me and told me how much he missed me. He even called me for trivial questions which he could ask on normal school days. These are just part of it.

To be frank, all these gave me gooseflesh. I really felt annoyed not just because of what he did but my role as his teacher. I'm not supposed to turn away when I meet him in the corridor (though I really want to) or decline him when he seeks academic help from me. He is a helpful, nice student after all and I don't want to hurt him.

I've been trying my best to settle it myself. I tried to keep a distance from him. I made my stance crystal clear (more than once) and even took a counsellor role to analyse with him his psychological path objectively (well... I may have overdone a little bit). He said he understood what I told him. But still, he will slip a sentence or so expressing his admiration to me when he talks with me and tries to protect me as if I'm a little girl.

I really have had enough. Did I take it too seriously? Should I laugh at the whole thing and let him do whatever he likes thinking that one day he will realise how silly he is?

Maybe the problem lies with me, not him or my friends.

Maybe it's really a joke.

Sorry, I failed you. And I failed myself.

2006-04-28T22:41:00.000+08:00

It was a normal, desperate afternoon-fading-into-the-dark while I was busy marking students' writing assignments in the staff room.

To be frank, I have long been conditioned to give assignments for the sake of giving assignments and mark them for the sake of fulfilling the requirement of book inspection. Now that the book inspection for the second term was around the corner, I had to glue myself to the desk and force myself to clear the dust-coated piles of journal writing resting in my bookshelf for ages.

I had been scanning and marking the writing mechanically. All the words flashed in my sensory memory like a photocopying machine--everything was gone once I scanned another piece of work until I read a piece of writing filled with Chinese expressions.

His words didn't make sense to me at first but then I found out that was not something usual--that was not what I expected from students' writing homework.

A F.1 student shared with me his worry about his divorced mum and her new boyfriend (which was quite serious in fact) and he said he wanted to commit suicide because of that. He wanted to talk with me about that because I was a reliable person.

My blood ran icy cold.

I quickly checked the date of writing. It was written in January--a few months ago!

A warning bell went off in my head. The image of the student who has committed suicide popped up in my mind. He ended his life partly because nobody was around him in times of desperation. He always had an air of loneliness.

With wobbly hands, I pressed the number of his class teacher's on the cell phone. As expected, his class teacher knew nothing about that--which was more worrying--and he advised me to talk with the social worker the other day.

I was so regretful that I broke into tears amid the conversation. I should have read his writing long long time ago and because I didn't have my work done properly, the student may have felt hopeless and committed suicide.

I am no reliable person indeed.

I have already lost in the overwhelming work and desperation. I lost my orientation at work. And I lost the mission and enthusiasm that a teacher should have--though there's not much to start with in the first place.

I failed him. I also failed myself.

I couldn't fall asleep that night and kept thinking about that boy. My mind was overloaded with guilt and thoughts. Maybe it's really time for me to leave and refresh myself. I've been here for too long that I worked like a Pavlovian dog. Holidays can no longer re-energize me except a new experience and a new environment.

One more year, I kept telling myself. One more year, then that's it.

I don't have any concrete plans after I finish my study overseas (if I can do so). But if I really return to this field, it tells something.

Luckily this little boy has a circle of friends and he is quite positive most of the time. He looked fine in class but people masked their inmost feeling when facing someone they don't trust.

I know deep down that he has lost his trust in me. I have also lost faith in myself.

多好玩的東西　早晚會放低

2006-03-12T09:48:00.000+08:00

打從他突如其來致電跟我訴說失戀苦況的那一刻開始，我就知道上天其實對我很不俗。

不俗並非因為他要受失戀之苦（對不起，雖然你以為自己很痛苦，但你所受的少少苦頭還未足以讓我感到心涼），而是因為我沒想過在我有生之年會解開這個心結。

「心結」一詞也許有點重，畢竟我現在過著感恩的生活，也沒有變成甚麼怨婦或同性戀者。只是當日他突然無聲無息地在大氣中消失，一直以為這個就是結局。怎料好戲在後頭，不得不讚嘆命運的奇妙。

那天這麼一個通話，我們把對方故事的空白都填滿了。

前一晚，他又再跟我訴說舊事，說甚麼很抱歉，又說自己當日結識了別的女孩，所以才這樣子。現在想起這些事，有點內疚，睡不著云云。

那一刻，我只感到很睏（經歷了連續兩晚共六小時的沈悶課堂及令人窒息的工作，我已跟喪屍沒甚分別），跟他說了數句安慰的說話就抱頭大睡。

其實故事在跟他再次聯繫的一刻已經完結，我的心也已經填滿。再多的答案也不會有甚麼分別。

原來再喜歡的東西，也會有忘記的一天；再想知道的答案，再想得到的道歉，當真的得到時，也只不過是如此。

對我來說，這個也算是 happy ending。至於會否跟他成為朋友，這是另一個故事。

Leave me alone please

2006-02-04T22:54:00.000+08:00

If getting married goes beyond the issue of two individuals and involves two families, then being single is not quite a personal issue but involves at least one's whole family.

In my case, my singlehood somehow concerns my mum (unfortunately) and anything that concerns my mums concerns my whole family, plus a bunch of relatives from both of my mum's and dad's sides.

Sounds like an catastrophe? Indeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed.

Chinese New Year is a perfect occasion for relatives to gather and exchange bits and pieces about this and that (and for my mum to talk about bits and pieces about me). Being the eldest girl in the family with one married younger sister and dating younger sisters, I have just committed a sin by remaining single at my age.

Despite repeated clarification, my mum somehow hooked my singlehood to my desicion to quit my job and study overseas and half-jokingly asserted that further education lazed my youth away and killed my dismal chance of getting a boyfriend. My mum also grumbled that I said I would never get married though I can't remember saying anything alike, let alone that's not what I think.

Is that all they are concerned about? Getting married and having babies?

So suddenly I become a desperate-aging-highly-educated-but-about-to-go-jobless-girl-turning-spinster.

The more I want to explain myself, the more they think I am desperate. The fact is, I am made desperate instead of genuinely feeling desperate in the first place.

But maybe I should be glad about one thing: if becoming a spinster is my family's only concern over my decision to quit my job and study, then it's not really a concern at all. Anyway, I may end up the same keeping my job here.

You may be rich, but you're not cultured--enough

2006-02-03T12:15:00.000+08:00

I was frozen in awe with my mouth falling agape when I watched from the TV news what was happening at the entrance of the HK Disneyland after crowds of visitors with valid tickets were locked out because it was overbooked. It's not another WTO protest staged by Korean peasants but a Disneyland protest staged by our Mainland counterparts.

I believe kind of Chinese-red-guard type of revolutionary spirit runs in their blood. After being informed the Disneyland was full and declined entrance, some visitors were so discontented that they crawled over the gate and successfully landed in the territory of the Magic Kingdom in the roaring triumphant chant; whilst some sobbed in disappointment.

Luckily, it happened in Hong Kong but not other tourist attractions spotting all over the world (partly because only HK Disneyland can be so crappy in administration).

Thanks to the economic advancement in recent years, an unprecedented number of Mainlanders are now able to travel to other parts of the world. However, the kind of social development which allows them to act in harmony with others' culture seems to be lagging far behind. They act in the big-bossy way back in their homeland where the rich and big spenders are the kings and are bound to do whatever they like.

I'm not a racist who look down on our own people but I'm highly aware of our reputation as a race. There were reports that some restaurants in other countries refused to entertain Chinese travel groups because of their I-am-the-King attitude and embarrassing table manners (well...it was reported that they flushed their nose with the expensive table cloth in a classy restaurant).

Like Japanese tourists in the 60s, it takes some time for the social development to catch up with the booming economy and for us to learn the right tourist attitude (though I believe HK tourists can also be embarrassing in other cities).

Back in town, it takes some time for the HK Disneyland to learn that the kind of American arrogance does not work here and to realize that they may be a prestigious brand name, but they're not respectful to visitors--enough.

I dream therefore I am

2006-01-16T22:56:00.000+08:00

Dreaming formed an integral part of my life when I was young.

I still remember the numerous sleepless nights during when I felt imprisoned in the reality, my mind would whirl off into the distant future where I was somebody completely different. That was when I felt liberated and hopeful.

As time went by and the reality zoomed in, I came to compromise with the reality and took whatever I was offered. I seemed to have a choice but actually I felt like a taker rather than a maker of it. And my dream remains a dream.

I did the Psychology degree in CUHK though I wasn't sure that was what I wanted at the beginning. I could have chosen law or journalism or accounting which could give me a more promising career prospect. But somehow, I have to admit, I may have sort of followed the tide. But I didn't hate it anyway.

After that, I did PGDE. Those who have been reading my blog should know why I applied for it and accepted the offer. Again, being a teacher doesn't sound disgusting to me.

Upon graduation, I was offered an GM post from a secondary school towards which I don't have a strong opinion. I was given chance to teach up to F.7 and my contract is renewed one year after another.

Everything looks fine and smooth enough, though not perfect, to a mediocre girl like me. I'm not a risk-taker indeed and I learn to love my choice rather than choose what I love. I could have gone on with my life like this until the day I die.

But when I think of it, I feel scared.

After being in this field for nearly four years, I think it's time for me to seriously think about what I should do with my life. And after all these years having witnessed death and ex-colleagues leaving for their dreams, I'm willing to take risk. It may be a bit late but better late than never.

In fact, what I want to do is simple: I want to pursue my studies overseas. That's what I want to do since I was young.

By the time I finish my master degree, I will have taught in this school for five years and I think it's time for me to take a break and refresh myself. To be frank, I haven't got a concrete plan of what to do after studying overseas. Maybe I will teach again. Who knows. But at this moment, I'm quite determined I will quit next year and do what I have been dreaming of.

When I revealed my plan to my friends, they sort of think that I'm too implusive and should have planned more carefully. After all, I'm not young and it's getting more and more costly for me to start over again.

I have been thinking about that over and over again. I did feel hesitant at times but then I think I don't want to have any more regrets in my life.

I feel like being that little girl lost in thoughts in the dead of the night again except that this time, I'm going to make my dream come true.

草日--非人生活

2006-01-15T12:29:00.000+08:00

Let's face it, Fanny.

2006-01-15T00:10:00.000+08:00

My parents used to think as a teacher-with relatively stable income and lots of holidays-I am having a comfortable, easy work life. That's why they find my plan of quitting my job unbelievable (and rather unacceptable).

So if even my parents who see me work myself to exhaustion every day think I'm under no stress or experiencing any form of stress-induced malfunctioning, how can I expect the public who base their impression of teachers on their good old school days or the government officials who hide themselves in an ivory tower to understand our situation?

Tragically, understanding comes at a high cost. Despite repeated comments from teachers, not until two teachers committed suicide within a week did the government suddenly realise we are facing backbreaking stress. And more tragically, not until Fanny Law, permanent secretary of EMB and obviously deprived of political wisdom, raised an offensive question (if the education reform is the real cause pushing the two teachers over the edge, why only two of them committed suicide?) did the government allocate billions of dollars overnight on alleviating teacher stress in order to pacify the angry teachers.

And now, even Bishop Zen expressed his concern over this problem; one can see how politically fashionable the issue is.

So, why were there only two teachers committing suicide if the education reform is the real cause?

The fact is different people react to stress in different ways. Some have insomnia, some have depression, some have gastrointestinal disorders, some have suicidal thoughts and among whom some turn those thoughts into action.

If we put all the negative effects of over-stress into a teacher population pyramid, suicide would be placed at the top as it is the most salient, attention-drawing and serious. So now, this very tip of the pyramid came into the spotlight, but Fanny Law was too ignorant to question whether such a small tip is strong enough to conclude that we teachers are really under unbearable stress and failed to notice the rest of the pyramid beneath that very tip.

I don't want to jump to the conclusion that the two teachers committed suicide solely because of work stress or to question whether two teachers are statistically significant enough to prove that education reform was killing them. In fact, the real cause is not important (Can't Fanny Law realise that?). What's more important is, we are really facing debilitating stress and having ever-mounting workload because of ever-changing education policy and that the government should do something about it.

If we are to believe teachers exert life-altering influence on students, how can we teach students to face life positively if we ourselves cannot maintain a healthy mental status?

最痛的地方要用最美麗的方式包紮

2006-01-14T11:58:00.000+08:00

叉叉熊躲在暗處哭泣，他的聲音非常微弱，一陣風吹來，就再也聽不見他的傷心了……

叉叉熊從小就是個受虐兒，他渾身是傷，
如果你問他哪裡最痛，他會輕輕摸摸他的心。
但世界上誰沒有受過傷呢？
他堅持最痛的地方要用最美麗的方式包紮。

叉叉熊受傷的時候會躲在最美麗的地方，
想像曾經美好的時光，
頂多流下幾滴晶瑩剔透的淚珠……
然後他會輕輕摸摸他的心。

叉叉熊每天都要寫一封信，
告訴天上的媽媽，他過得有多快樂。
他相信他寫下的快樂，終有一天成真。

叉叉熊在林間散步，
風輕輕吹過，花香四溢，
小鳥在身邊唱歌，他慢慢跳起舞來。
你問他哪裡感到最幸福，
他會輕輕摸摸他的心。

叉叉熊心情沮喪時，喜歡爬到高高的樹上，
對著天空大喊三聲：
「叉叉熊加油！心情加油！宇宙加油！」
當他再低頭時，
他所見的世界的確在一瞬間光明燦爛了起來！

叉叉熊感到難過時，
他會走進森林裡，用力擁抱一棵大樹，
叉叉熊說不出口的哀傷，理不清楚的委屈，
大樹一下子全都懂了。
因為他們的心緊緊貼在一起……

叉叉熊雖然受盡苦難，
他仍相信世界上有真正的幸福，
不管眼前多麼暴烈殘酷，
他總會看到隱藏在背後的祥和與美麗。

叉叉熊的童年佈滿灰暗的恐懼，忘都忘不掉。
繃帶馬卻努力地找尋失落的童年，找都找不回。
有人丟棄，有人珍藏。
有人遺忘，有人難忘。
世界就是這樣……

黑面娃娃也有慘痛的過往，
可是他選擇遺忘。
黑面娃娃嚴肅地對叉叉熊說：
「永遠不要記住悲慘的那一面，
否則悲慘就會一直跟著你。」

球兒寶說：「乖，別哭，我們來跳舞吧！」
叉叉熊舞動著笨拙的身軀，慢慢地搖晃起來。
他那受傷的心也跟著砰砰砰砰地快樂起舞。
他們一起對著星空大聲呼喊：
「虐待小孩的大人去死吧！」
「虐待動物的人去死吧！」
「虐待自己的人也去死吧！」

黃秋秋問叉叉熊：
「你知道哪裡有稍縱即逝的美麗嗎？」
叉叉熊困惑地搖搖頭，又困惑地點點頭，
然後他慢慢地輕撫自己的心……

叉叉熊跟著黃秋秋去找尋轉眼消逝的美麗。
他閉上眼睛努力地回想
曾經短暫出現在他身邊的幸福
想著想著他睡著了，
夢裡的幸福像大雨般地落下，
讓他感到好安全好溫暖……

叉叉熊為自己的受虐感到自責。
微風吹過，對他說：「這不是你的錯。」
玫瑰花開，對他說：「這不是你的錯。」
大樹人溫柔地將他抱起來，認真地對他說：
「不管這世界如何殘酷卑劣地對待你，都不是你的錯。
請你相信，黑暗的背面一定有光……」

叉叉熊溫柔的心輕輕地跳，緩緩地安慰他：
「別怕別怕，為了你，我一定會堅強勇敢規律地跳跳跳。」
叉叉熊的心每天快樂地跳動著……

* * * * * * *

我的心也在告訴我：「我一定會堅強勇敢規律地跳跳跳。」

This is my choice

2006-01-03T22:20:00.000+08:00

Christmas holiday is a season of holding supplementary classes. However unwilling I am to go back to school, out of responsibility and tradition, I did have arranged some classes during the holiday.

I had a supplementary class with 7A today. I was really, really disappointed by and angry with their learning attitude. I don't expect a Form 7 class to be that irresponsible and disrespectful. 8 out of 26 of them didn't show up (not to mention a number of those who were late to class) and when I called them to ask why, they gave me crappy reasons like headache, stomachache, diarrhoea... (8 of them got sick at the same time? Don't pull my legs.) And those who turned up thought they were cheated by their 'sick' friends and that they shouldn't have come back to school.

Normally, I would have given them a lecture on appropriate learning attutides, respect and responsibility, and showed them a poker face. And I would have burnt myself in anger as I did last year. But today, when I was about to set myself on fire, my promise of being a happy person popped up on my mind. And at that time, I held back.

It is my own choice whether to make myself happy or not. I told myself to detach from the whole thing and not to spoil my pleasant mood. And I did :)

I know it's just something trivial and when it comes to something big, things would be different. But I think it's a good omen, esp. at the beginning of the year. I am able to keep the promise to myself (that's the most important part^^).

I love myself ^U^.

Look back so as to look forward

2005-12-31T01:07:00.000+08:00

Life should be understood backwards.

As 2006 is less than 24 hours away, it's time for me to review my pathetic life in 2005 before I make a new year resolution which I always feel obliged to do at the beginning of each year.

Review 1: Myself
For me, 2005 is a year of darkness. I was constantly plagued by depression and low self image, in particular, hatred for myself. well...I have to admit that I've got a genetic inclination towards depression. It seems that I have always had an air of gloominess since my birth. And I'm never a cheerful, positive girl deep down. Nevertheless, I used to be a strong girl who loves herself.

Experience combined with personality trait becomes destiny. It seems that although I was always occupied with work and deprived of sleep, I could not do reasonably well at work or in my study. I couldn't even take good care of my own emotions. I felt vulnerable than ever; I hate myself.

My appetite is a good indicator of my emotion and it went on a rollar coaster in the past year. In the first half of the year, I tended to overeat; in the second half, I just pecked at my meal for most of the time.

I lost the balance of life.

When I re-read my journal, I was really fed up with this kind of life and the feeling of losing control. I've got to change that. I have to change the destiny. (though I'm clueless of how to do so)

well, despite the depression thing, life goes on as usual. People around me passed away, got married, had babies...

Review 2: Work
To certain extent, I still enjoy my job. It's meaningful and heart-warming to teach. But the work environment is getting hostile.

The wall of trust between the principal and English teachers is cracking. We blame each other for the poor public exam result. Even within the department, there is a deep chasm between English teachers which impedes the launch of new policies and further development. Moreover, the amount of work has never thinned. And I am less tolerate of stupid rules and policies.

Anyway, I know I have to leave the field in the foreseeable future. I just have to wait for the right time-with clear goals and determination-to move on.

Review 3: Study
I don't think I did well in the last semester. To be frank, it's a disaster! I always slept for half a lecture and most importantly, I hate what I studied.

In the coming year, I will try my very best to develop some interest in that discipline.

Review 4: Resolution 2005
ok, let's see how well I accomplished the goals I set last year:

1. Enrol in a Master programme
Done
2. Set foot in Europe
Done ^^
3. Save enough money for overseas study
It seems that I spent more $$$ than the year before... where did my $$$ go???
4. Sit the PSC test of the State Language Commission of China
Can't accomplish that this year and I don't think I can do that in the coming year. My Putonghua sucks.
5. Join the 10km Standard Chartered Marathon
Same as #4. I don't even have time or energy to jog for half an hour every week.

Resolution 2006
It's better to make things simple and accomplish-able this year:

1. Travel to Tibet (if I've got a tripmate) or travel to Japan by myself or both (only if I can assure the contract next year).

2. Fill my blog with more positive thoughts and happy memory no matter how trivial they may seem.

3. Work out at least once a week (no more excuse! ok... except really cold weather :P) .

4. GPA > 3.0

5. Make myself a lovable, caring person (it sounds too general but I decide to keep it on the list so as to remind myself not to get bitchy or edgy as I always do when I don't have enough sleep or when I have periodic emotional upheavel).

In fact, I still have no.6, no.7, no.8... on my mind, but I think it's better for me to stop here. After all, new plans keep springing up throughout the years. But the above are the core ones in 2006.

Borderline depression

2005-12-28T01:51:00.000+08:00

I'm still fighting with the demon within myself but I think I'm losing the battle.

I feel fragile.

I can't control myself from crying for no reason.

I know my problems but I can't help myself.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Thank you so much, Mic!!!!! I have been looking for this book for a long time.

It's nice to re-read the book. It reminds me of something I have forgotten.

第三個葬禮

2005-11-28T23:08:00.000+08:00

差不多兩個月沒有寫手記了。

繼續討厭自己。

　　　　　　　　　　＊　　　＊　　　＊　　　＊　　　＊　　　＊

想不到分開後首次見到他，是在他婆婆的葬禮上。

不經不覺，我倆已分開了三年。他外表看來沒甚改變，仍舊是我記憶中的那個他。我也是老樣子吧。可是，我倆都很清楚，一切都跟以前不同了。

老實說，我著實不想再見他。沒甚麼特別原因，就是不喜歡罷了。我用不著勉強自己扮作大方得體。可是，他的婆婆待我真的很好。當我聽到她離世的消息，我的心也沉了下來。

我不太願意出席葬禮。我不喜歡那悲哀的場面把我的情緒迫到死角。但當人家語帶傷感地問你：會否出席他婆婆的葬禮，你忍心拒絕嗎？

今天一放學我便放下所有工作，跑到位於則魚涌的香港殯儀館參加葬禮。

這是我人生中的第三個葬禮。

　　　　　　＊　　　　＊　　　　＊　　　　＊　　　　＊　　　　＊

第一個葬禮是屬於我爺爺的。

那年爺爺病逝，等待中五會考放榜的我跟著家人回鄉出席葬禮。其實我跟爺爺很疏離，所以感受不太深。而且家族重男輕女，所以沒有太多禮儀要守。當時我年紀尚輕，看著躺在長桌上的爺爺時，心裡不禁百感交集。

那次可算是第一次這麼近去感受死亡。

第二個葬禮是屬於讀大學時指導我論文的教授。

還記得大學三年級時，教授經常失蹤。初時還覺得他人沒有責任心，後來得悉他患了癌症，感覺很震驚。他的病情惡化得很快，他在我讀教育文憑的那年離世。

出席葬禮的那天天氣很寒冷。我穿上厚厚的大褸跟其他的教授及同學在中大出發前往寶福山。

我跟教授不太稔熟（我可是一個懶惰的學生，很少找他商討論文的進度）。在追思會上聽著他的同僚訴說他的往事，心裡不禁傷感起來。原來待他逝世之後，我才開始認識他。

記得讀教育文憑那年，我曾想過約他吃飯，最後不了了之。當年對於某些人、某些事，我還不懂去珍惜。

現在我偶爾也會想起他。

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當我遠遠看見香港殯儀館時，已感到有點戚戚然。

這是我第一次獨自出席別人的葬禮。

當我踏入殯儀館時，心裡已經不寒而憟。我努力地在牆上偌大的告示版上尋找熟悉的名字。陰暗的光線加上一百二十度的近視使我好不容易才找到設靈的位置。

穿過黑暗的大堂，走入鐵皮包的舊式電梯。那位穿白衣的電梯控制員（我不大清楚那職位的正確名稱，姑且這樣稱呼她吧）機械地問我要到哪一層去。那建築物其實只有三、四層。

走出電梯後，經過不少花牌及紙紮品，終於走到設靈的房間前。

進入靈堂前的一刻，我有一點猶豫。最後還是硬著頭皮走進去。想不到他們還記得我的名字。我恭敬地向靈堂前的相片鞠躬後便速速地離開；我還要趕往中大上課呢。

離開時他剛剛到達靈堂，我說了幾句安慰的說話便走了。

想不到最後還是碰上他。

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走出殯儀館後，我失控地哭。

沒有甚麼特別原因，我只是有點害怕。那裡的環境實在太嚇人，而我神經也有點衰弱。

我太沒用了。

最後也得帶著紅腫的眼睛上課。

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後記：

那晚，日記只是完成了一半便睡著了。之後一直都活在黑暗中，沒有時間整理自己的思緒。要到今晚才有時間完成。

28.12.2005 0026

Unfinished work

2005-11-22T23:30:00.000+08:00

Waiting for the train after the evening lecture at the KCR station, I suddenly felt an anonymous urge to write. So I took out my notebook and my pen started to dance vigorously on the paper...

It has been a month already. I know I must write something.

Anything.

In fact, I did have something to write about. But whenever I sat in front of the computer, I lost the drive to go further.

My life continues to spiral downward with the schoolwork and coursework trying to choke me to death. And the feeling of detachment from my own self is eating me up bit by bit.

I hate myself. I don't feel like being myself.

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Note on 27/12:
I was too tired to go on writing that night and thus I could never finish this entry--not only that I lost my page of note, but also that I could never feel the same way again.

Anyway, I feel like publishing that part of unfinished work so as to keep a record of my life.

Happy Halloween

2005-10-23T22:51:00.000+08:00

Imagine a girl looking older than her age slouches around with drooping eyes, swelled eyebags, a body owing its chubbiness to stress-driven binging, and a lifeless face ever gravitating to the ground.

You are not imagining any Halloween ghost. You are imagining me.

Obviously I'm well-prepared for the upcoming Halloween and scary enough without any make-up.

What's more, I have developed Didaskaleinophobia (don't ask me how to pronounce it...). To put it simply, I've got a hopeless fear to go to school.

The thought of returning to work plunged me into darkest despair. Luckily, the sense of responsibility and the remaining bit of willpower pull me away from the thought of calling the school every morning and begging for a day of sick leave.

How long can one sustain without a soul?

I will put myself on experiment and tell you the answer later.

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Does the above entry sound familiar? It's because my life is re-running the same scene over and over again...

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These days, I strongly feel that I am an uncultured person. My mind is drying up.....

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Amazing Trip

Two Saturdays ago, my sister and her husband held a belated wedding banquet in Hong Kong and the day after that, they (to be correct, my father) held one in Mainland--our Mainland root.

My father said, it's the tradition. I said, it's his face. XD

Anyway, it's an interesting experience to have a wedding banquet in my father's childhood home as our line of blood begins there. What's more, we're holding the banquet in an age-old family shrine.

祖屋 Grand Old House

This's where my father grew up. My grandma and my aunts and uncles still live there.

古氏大宗祠 The Kus Shrine
This is the family shrine where the banquet was held. Can you see the words hanging above?

Here is the close-up.

古府鳳宴 The Kus Banquet

My family is rather prestigious there, haha...

So this is the courtyard of the shrine..

龍舟頭 Dragon Boat Head

This is the dragon head housed in the shrine. Every Dragon Boat Festival, it heads the boat the villagers ride. My father is one of them.

Strangers, to me
A line of villagers were coming to our banquet. My father was on top of the world as people kept hurling congratulations at him (mind you, not my sister and brother-in-law). I think my dad knows half of the population in the village.

For me, I just smiled mechanically beside my dad.

天字一號 Tian-zi No.1
A bottle of rice wine, a bottle of Tian-zi no. 1 (a vinegar drink) and a pack of double-happiness cigarette were already placed on each table.

The food

These were the dishes at the banquet. Instead of delivering the dishes one by one as in Hong Kong, they will deliver all the dishes at once. In fact, I prefer this way as I can eat whatever I like in whatever sequence. And it really looked like a feast, didn't it?

Fire-crackers

A long string of fire crackers to be blasted at the end of the banquet.

It's nearly mid-night when I got home that night. I had two days of wedding banquet but had no work done (not even the homework for my master course due on Monday) nor enough sleep over those 2 days.

Anyway, there's only one wedding banquet for this particular sister of mine in my life (hopefully), so I think it's worth my time. By the way, I have already got used to the sleep-deprived way of life.